Heavily pregnant and worried about DH’s behaviour

[Worriedmumtobe8]

I’m 28 and currently 38 wks pg. DH is 45 and when we first got together he said he didn’t want DC. I agreed as I was 24 and thought I’d never want children. I later told him my feelings had changed and I’d like a family. DH agreed as said he wanted me to be happy.

We got engaged and after the wedding agreed to stop ‘not trying’ and within only a couple of weeks I got a BFP. Throughout the pregnancy DH has not shown any signs of being happy or excited, which I put down to shock it happened so quickly. I’ve had to beg him to attend scans and appointments as he says he’s too busy, I’ve paid for everything we’ve needed in preparation for the baby as he hasn’t wanted to - despite being the significantly higher earner. DH has labelled me as boring as I’m exhausted and haven’t want to have sex regularly or socialise much. I’m still working 10hr days (as encouraged by DH to fund my time off when baby arrives) which doesn’t help.

He’s made hurtful comments... I’m boring since being pg, I wanted the baby so I better be prepared to look after it, he won’t be changing any dirty nappies, I better say goodbye to my social life as he’s not ruining his over it etc. I’ve been very down and tearful over this and all DH can say is that it’s my hormones and I’m taking myself too seriously.

I’m too embarrassed to discuss this with family in RL but have told a couple of close friends who say many men can be like this before the baby arrives, but when she’s here, he will change totally, step up and be a wonderful father. Having never been through this before, I’ve no idea how men normally react but I know this doesn’t feel right. I’d love to be corrected but AIBU in thinking he’s not going to change and suddenly become interested when she’s here? :( advice appreciated

My husband didn't like children and didn't want children. I MC about 5 babies and he was very unsupportive. When I became pregnant with our son, now 30 years old, he didn't give one shit. He even suggested I abort early on because his birth coincided with a big trip we were booked on. He had no interest in feeling the baby kicking either.

He continued to not give a shit when I was in labor to the point I told him to bugger off. 'Go to the cafeteria or something'....I told him and he did.

When our baby was born by emergency c section his life changed forever. He cried like a baby and then became a doting dad. He told me he wanted more babies, but I couldn't have anymore.

He had no idea he could feel differently about his own child. He believed he'd feel the same way about his son as he did about his horribly spoilt know-it-all niece or the pain-in-the-arse brat his friend was raising.

OP, you'll soon know what he's made of,

Oh op I hope he does sort himself out but do get as much on him about finances now ... as newborns are time consuming and you won’t have to will to do anything but attend your babies needs for the first few months.

At least you are armed with what you need should you have to get out of the situation.

Next time he says that , I would remind him he agreed ... and no one made him have sex perhaps to start taking his responsibilities a little more seriously.

I honestly want to throttle the insensitive arse.

X x

@AmeriAnn I'm amazed you stayed with him! Doting dad or not I'd find it hard to forgive his previous behaviour.

You can do this without that horrible twat dragging you down. Please confide in your family. The friends you've told are either being very naive or they're telling you what they think you want to hear

OP, I must agree with everyone else - it's fairly obvious your dh never actually wanted the baby. He is clearly in the wrong - you were upfront about your wants/needs and he was not.

But what you need to do is deal with the situation as it is. You need to put yourself in a position where you don't need to depend on him. My son is only 8 months old and I had him as a single parent (on purpose). So I know how hard it can be. Here are my suggestions :

• make sure you have everything you need for the baby before the birth
• talk to a couple of good friends. Can one of them stay with you in the hospital ? You're going to be in pain after the birth and even walking three steps might be painful, so you'll need someone who can fetch things /help you. I wouldn't trust your dh to step up. If he does, great, but don't rely on it.
• can you plan to stay at your parents' place, or with other supportive family ? It's exhausting to take care of a newborn and it would help a lot to be able to catch a break for a few hours to sleep.

I also think you should have a talk with your dh. Tell him you don't feel like he's being supportive ; remind him he agreed to have this child, and it's his as much as it is yours. So is he willing to work on it, or not?

If yes, give him a list of what you need from him :

• support (moral and financial - don't be afraid to be specific about how much you need)
• help (with house chores, with the baby, with groceries)
• anything else you feel might be helpful

Sorry you have to deal with this, OP... But remember you will soon have a beautiful daughter and she will make it all worth it !

This kind of story makes me glad to be single by choice, I must say.

I’m still working 10hr days (as encouraged by DH to fund my time off when baby arrives)

This is awful he should be letting you rest and helping you, sharing money as a partnership not moaning about a lack of sex

I would say no its not going to get better and I would go now

OP there are some good threads on here about preparing to leave someone - even if you dont do so, it would be best to sort out everything now so you know where you stand - trust everyone when they say it would be so much harder to do this when you've got a newborn

Take passport and birth certificate etc and keep at your parents
Copied of wage slips and any other finances, pensions, house and mortgage stuff for example
Protect yourself incase he clears out joint account or investments etc
Go and see a solicitor now and look into alternative places to live and what benefits you'd be entitled to
Even if it comes to nothing and you do t need it you might feel a lot better knowing you have a safety net

Op, please just take your bag and go to your mums, leave him. Be around people who love you are will help you are for your baby.

I’m sure your mum will welcome you with open arms, often families are aware of things not being quite right but don’t want to alienate you.
He won’t change

What a bastard.

The thing is, it's not just that he isn't interested in the baby and the pregnancy - he is actually being a nasty bastard.

Does he think he would get away without paying anything if you split....geez

Even if you stay with him you will effectively be like a single parent anyway without the maintenance and living with a horrible atmosphere and putting you at high risk of post natal depression. How dare he be so nasty as to spoil what should be one if not thee most special moments of your life.

I'm glad you have your family close by, please try and talk to them and your friends, you must be feeling so alone right now. Speak to the health visitor when they come round after the birth, they will be able to give you extra support.

and hugs xx

I didn't want to read and run... i'm so sorry you are in this situation. I would follow @malyshek advice. She obviously has had a similar experience.
I have a supportive partner but i really applaud you women that go it alone. Having a child is so hard, and you definitely need to protect yourself during pregnancy as much as you can. When you have the baby, emotions will be all over the place and you really should be focusing on the baby at that time. Follow @malyshek advice and try to get out prior to having your baby if after your talk you still get no support from your DH.

@Worriedmumtobe8 - please listen and take seriously what people are saying on this thread- your 'd'H is a grade-A f*cker. No one should be treated like you've been treated by the father of your child at 38 weeks pregnant or at any point. The fact that he's been making you work extra to find your maternity leave makes me furious on your behalf- how dare he?!. Please start gathering evidence and planning an escape route away from this nasty man. I've got an amazing husband but post baby, we both felt like we'd been hit by a bus and there were so many times we both felt we'd be better off separating- having a baby pushes you to your limits in the most extreme of ways. Please confide in your family/friends as you need as much social and emotional support as you can get once the baby is here.

There are two problems, one that he has and is unlikely to develop any interest in being a father and two that he’s turned out to be a complete arsehole.

I’m really sorry OP, it’s a shit situation to be in. I’d start mentally preparing for single motherhood.

The man I know was like this never changed, in fact he got worse, and now they’re getting divorced.

He’s being an arse but he quite clearly didn’t want a child. This is why it is vital one partner doesn’t compromise for the other.

You would be better off without him. I say this at 38+3 weeks pregnant and single.

I am very lucky that my mum is letting me stay with her so I can afford to stay off work longer, but I'd even rather cut that precious time short than be with a man who makes me miserable! Tell those you are close to, talking about your options irl will make things clearer X

Not necessarily, sometimes a partner compromises and is happy with the result. I don’t see that happening in this case. And even if he warms to fatherhood somewhat he’s still an arsehole.

Uncaring men who improve after the baby is born tend to be young men. A man of 45 is not going to have a personality transplant just because a baby is born.

Thank you so much for all of your kind comments and very wise advise, it means a lot. I was so nervous about posting here but I’m glad I did. I’m going to take the afternoon off tomorrow whilst DH is still at work and go and talk to family.

Your situation is terribly sad OP. You really should talk to your family about this. I can't believe he could be so bloody horrible to 'encourage' you to work 10 hour days while pregnant. Are you intimidated by him somewhat because I know I would have told him where to get off if he was my husband.
You may need a family member or friend with you at the birth as it doesn't sound as if he will be supporting you through that. Best get it out in the open now and get your support network up and running.
Wishing you the best of luck with the birth of your baby girl.

Leave now. You can do it honestly. I left my ‘d’p at 38 weeks due to his horrendous behaviour. He basically did to me what your husband is doing now. And he’s never got better. He takes very little interest in dd.

However, I am incredibly happy because I’m single and I have dd and we have a lovely life now. I’m not being belittled or called names constantly, and not living with an arsehole partner is so so much better than trying to make something work.

I was heartbroken, especially for the ‘ideal family’ picture I had in my head. I didn’t want to tell my family what had happened. But they supported me more than I could have wished for. It’s honestly the best thing I’ve ever done.

I hope you find the same happiness with your baby and without your prick of a husband.

I'm glad you are going to see family.

If I were your mum you'd be back home in a heartbeat and I'd be funding the solicitor's fees.

Good luck, how are your family, are they generally very caring and supportive to you?

Been here got the t-shirt. We stopped contraception as agreed, except in reality he wanted contraception to be my doing.

Then accused me of trapping/tricking him when I got pregnant. Told me I was physically repugnant.

Was actually pretty good with DC1 (except for screwing his ex as soon as we found I was pregnant).

DC2 came along v fast again due to his withdrawal contraception. And he was completely disengaged (while still screwing ex).

Aged 2&3 we got divorced. Happily house was mine and I'd not stopped working. He tried to take it all. Never paid child support and took me to court endlessly.

Aged 8&9 the DC took him to court. He has now lost parental responsibility.

Take heed of what he's saying and protect yourself.

I'd be very worried about his lack of financial support. He agreed to have a baby that means he pays towards equipment, he helps support your maternity leave and he pays towards childcare when you are both at work. As it stands he's being an arse and controlling, you need some couples counselling asap.

Had two DCs very welcome, then many years later OH was 50 found myself pregnant again. He did not want it, no help buying things etc. until I phoned a friend late one night in tears when he was in bed she was so worried she came round which woke him up. She told him to step up. He was quite shocked that others might find out. Once baby was born he adored him. Seventeen years later OH is bereft that he is going to go off to uni. in three months.

I just feel very sad for you. However, you still have the most wonderful relationship yet to come x