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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heavily pregnant and worried about DH’s behaviour

185 replies

Worriedmumtobe8 · 18/06/2019 17:16

I’m 28 and currently 38 wks pg. DH is 45 and when we first got together he said he didn’t want DC. I agreed as I was 24 and thought I’d never want children. I later told him my feelings had changed and I’d like a family. DH agreed as said he wanted me to be happy.

We got engaged and after the wedding agreed to stop ‘not trying’ and within only a couple of weeks I got a BFP. Throughout the pregnancy DH has not shown any signs of being happy or excited, which I put down to shock it happened so quickly. I’ve had to beg him to attend scans and appointments as he says he’s too busy, I’ve paid for everything we’ve needed in preparation for the baby as he hasn’t wanted to - despite being the significantly higher earner. DH has labelled me as boring as I’m exhausted and haven’t want to have sex regularly or socialise much. I’m still working 10hr days (as encouraged by DH to fund my time off when baby arrives) which doesn’t help.

He’s made hurtful comments... I’m boring since being pg, I wanted the baby so I better be prepared to look after it, he won’t be changing any dirty nappies, I better say goodbye to my social life as he’s not ruining his over it etc. I’ve been very down and tearful over this and all DH can say is that it’s my hormones and I’m taking myself too seriously.

I’m too embarrassed to discuss this with family in RL but have told a couple of close friends who say many men can be like this before the baby arrives, but when she’s here, he will change totally, step up and be a wonderful father. Having never been through this before, I’ve no idea how men normally react but I know this doesn’t feel right. I’d love to be corrected but AIBU in thinking he’s not going to change and suddenly become interested when she’s here? :( advice appreciated

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 18/06/2019 18:14

Well, I'm guessing they didn't discuss finances.

Have you talked about childcare costs? Have you talked about finances during maternity leave? Did you discuss the costs of the child?

Before anyone has a child, those things should be discussed. But it sounds like they weren't. That isn't exactly smart. And this is what happens when you don't iron out the financial details and decide if you're going to merge finances, or split percentage wise etc. Now she's left with paying for everything and that will continue. If she can't find childcare then she won't be able to work. If she can't work, it sounds like all she will have to herself is the child benefit. He won't put his hand in his pocket for her or the kid.

Leave now. Get yourself set up before the baby comes.

eddielizzard · 18/06/2019 18:15

I agree with others: start talking to your family and be open about his behaviour. You need to have support and help now. I also don't think he will magically change sadly.

PhillipeFellope · 18/06/2019 18:16

Leave. Babies grow into toddlers, toddlers grow into children, he's unlikely to become a devoted loving father to a child he considers an unwanted burden, it's not fair for a child to grow up in that environment.

You and your baby deserve far better. Tell your family, garner your strength, get your ducks in a row and leave.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/06/2019 18:17

close friends who say many men can be like this before the baby arrives, but when she’s here, he will change totally, step up and be a wonderful father.

Men don't get the reality of a baby forced on them the way women do during pregnancy, so I do thinkthere are lots of men who are pretty disinterested and unprepared before the baby arrives who step up when the reality hits them. But this isn't what you're describing. Your DH isn't just disinterested, he's actively hostile to you. I've never seen someone who's actively hostile to their pregnant wife become a good father or partner.

As others are saying, start working out a way forward that won't leave you (or your child) emotionally battered by a selfish manchild.

ElspethFlashman · 18/06/2019 18:20

By get your ducks in a row we mean get viability of any and all Bank accounts, investments or deeds.

I sincerely hope you won't need any of it. But only a fool would not put on a practical hard hat with all this. He's practically warning you you'll be a single parent, even if you are living in the same house.

So arm yourself with knowledge and you may feel stronger for whatever life throws at you. You are married, which is good from a legal standpoint. But you have to find out what his salary is and what his savings and assets are.

And copy everything. If you don't have access to a copier, then download a scanner onto your phone. It's just an app that turns photos into documents.

MegaClutterSlut · 18/06/2019 18:21

I'm another one saying get your ducks in a row. How he is being is really shitty. If he continues to be a dick when baby is here you need to honestly leave him. He will end up damaging you and baby in the long run as he blatantly doesn't want her.

You deserve someone who is just excited as you are Flowers

QforCucumber · 18/06/2019 18:22

Have you discussed your return to work? Will he expect you to cover all nursery fees too?

Original poster
Worriedmumtobe8 · 18/06/2019 18:24

To those asking, we had a great relationship before the pregnancy so I never saw this coming. The way he is behaving is unrecognisable from the man I met and married, that’s why it’s so hard to comprehend how I’ve ended up in this situation.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 18/06/2019 18:25

I would make sure you leave now. He isn't going to improve. It will be much harder to leave once the baby is here.

Original poster
Worriedmumtobe8 · 18/06/2019 18:27

@QforCucumber originally we agreed that we would joint fund the child care fees. Now he’s no longer happy to pay. I work from home and thinks I should juggle both which is ridiculous. He doesn’t want me to cut my hours either. I’ve been in tears for weeks over all of this and as it’s getting closer the realisation of all of this has really hit me

OP posts:
Shelbybear · 18/06/2019 18:30

It's not normal, no wonder you are upset and very concerned.

He shld be excited and he should be happy to help out with the baby. He's basically telling you that the baby is all your responsibility and will not change his life. You'll be getting divorced before the baby turns 1 if he doesn't change that attitude pronto!

I'd sit him down and talk this through with him. A baby puts a big strain on a very strong relationship, if he wasn't up for it he shld have told u and u would have had the chance to walk away and have a family with someone that actually wanted kids. I really hope he comes round when the baby is born, good luck!

Raver84 · 18/06/2019 18:31

I'm sorry op. You need to leave this man. He won't change.

TheInvestigator · 18/06/2019 18:31

Start getting things in writing. Text him one day saying that you're looking at nurseries because some have waiting lists, and tell him the fees. Then say so it will be X amount each. See if he agrees in writing or if he sends you a message refusing to contribute financially. It you get things like that in writing then it will help you.

DoulaDaisy · 18/06/2019 18:31

Not blaming you at all OP in this but you should never get pregnant by a man who agrees to have a baby because it will make YOU happy. That should have set your alarm bells ringing from the get go.

He sounds like an absolute cretin and I would be leaving him and taking him the cleaners maintenance wise.

Echobelly · 18/06/2019 18:32

Don't be proud, let your family help you walk away from this manchild, it sounds like you would expect them to be sympathetic and not judge.

I don't think it's common for a man to be cold on partner conceiving, it's generally a sign he's not suited to fatherhood and doesn't want it.

Hellmistress · 18/06/2019 18:32

Please, please, please confide in your family! Once they've got over the shock and disappointment they will want to help you. You need their help to leave. This man is no good as a husband and he'll be crap as a Dad. You know this to be true, so get your planning-head on. "He wanted you to be happy"? He's not making you happy now, he's being a Grade A arsehole and he won't get any better. Leave soon before he gets really abusive.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/06/2019 18:34

I think you need to brace yourself. Confide in some trustworthy and supportive friends and family and equip yourself as much as you can emotionally and mentally before your baby arrives.

With all the best will in the world. He told you who he was before all of this and now he's doubling down on it. You never know - it might all change but you can't live in limbo waiting for the perfect husband/father side of him to emerge. It actually appears as though he's setting the stage now for later on when everyone's knackered at 4am in the morning and you're the one who has to get up with the baby or on those dreary wet Sunday evenings when the shops are closed but you're the one who's going to figure out how to get more nappies.

I wish you all the best.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/06/2019 18:35

If you are doing everything why have this albatross hanging round your neck dragging you down.

If you split he will more than likely be forced to pay more out than the big fat £0 he is intending to pay out if you stay together.

Get rid now and have s happy life with your dbaby.

Could the reason there is such a big age gap between you because he doesn’t want children and the women he has been involved with in the past have at some point grown up and decided like you they do want children and he in the past has said no and that is the reason they split.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 18/06/2019 18:36

It does sound like he only went along with it to make you happy but now really resents you for it. Maybe he sees it as you putting your wants before his. But all that doesn't matter now because the baby is on it's way.

He either needs to accept it and get on board, or you're going to have to accept you'll be doing it on your own. Talk to your family. You'll need their support.

HollowTalk · 18/06/2019 18:37

Let's be practical.

Do you have somewhere to stay, where you could also work? Who is the most supportive person amongst your family and friends?

If he was very different in the past, how could you have known he'd turn into a dick like this?

Bluetrews25 · 18/06/2019 18:37

So sorry you are going through this, OP.
I don't think he agreed to have a child with you. I think he agreed to let you have a child. And is going to make sure you do all the work and fund this all by yourself.
Please do speak fully and frankly to your family. And don't hide his horrific behaviour from his family and friends if the subject comes up.
Would it be easier to leave now rather than after DC has arrived?
Don't let him beat you down.

cansu · 18/06/2019 18:39

I think you should call this behaviour out by being open with family about his comments. I would also think hard about leaving at least temporarily. Could you stay with your family and tell him that his attitude is unacceptable and you would prefer to parent alone? This may give him the kick up the arse he needs. If this doesn't change his behaviour then at least you would know now.

LordNibbler · 18/06/2019 18:39

I'd be telling family and friends exactly what's going on here. He's a high earner, and not only have you funded everything for the baby so far, he's making you work 10 hr days. See what everyone thinks of that. There's no way you should be the one embarrassed about all this. He's behaving shamefully and shamelessly. Men like this flourish behind the scenes because their partners cover up for them. Why should you? He's not cherishing you and looking after you and your unborn child as he should. He's a disgrace. Find your voice OP and don't let all this go unchallenged.

HollowTalk · 18/06/2019 18:40

Given how heavily pregnant you are, I think it's really important that you go to stay with family who are supportive. The very last person you need hanging around when there's a new baby there is someone who doesn't want the child there and who isn't prepared to change their lifestyle at all.

simplekindoflife · 18/06/2019 18:40

Regardless of whether he wants the baby or not, you are growing a human and you are understandably exhausted but he doesn't give a shit and is more worried about money, sex and his social life than your wellbeing. This is inexcusable as a husband. He should care about you and be looking after you?!

As for being a good father? And a supportive husband when the baby comes? It doesn't look good, does it... Sad he sounds like a selfish git and I think a baby will just magnify the issues.

Think of a plan B OP make sure you can be alright financially without him. Thanks