Heavily pregnant and worried about DH’s behaviour

[Worriedmumtobe8]

I’m 28 and currently 38 wks pg. DH is 45 and when we first got together he said he didn’t want DC. I agreed as I was 24 and thought I’d never want children. I later told him my feelings had changed and I’d like a family. DH agreed as said he wanted me to be happy.

We got engaged and after the wedding agreed to stop ‘not trying’ and within only a couple of weeks I got a BFP. Throughout the pregnancy DH has not shown any signs of being happy or excited, which I put down to shock it happened so quickly. I’ve had to beg him to attend scans and appointments as he says he’s too busy, I’ve paid for everything we’ve needed in preparation for the baby as he hasn’t wanted to - despite being the significantly higher earner. DH has labelled me as boring as I’m exhausted and haven’t want to have sex regularly or socialise much. I’m still working 10hr days (as encouraged by DH to fund my time off when baby arrives) which doesn’t help.

He’s made hurtful comments... I’m boring since being pg, I wanted the baby so I better be prepared to look after it, he won’t be changing any dirty nappies, I better say goodbye to my social life as he’s not ruining his over it etc. I’ve been very down and tearful over this and all DH can say is that it’s my hormones and I’m taking myself too seriously.

I’m too embarrassed to discuss this with family in RL but have told a couple of close friends who say many men can be like this before the baby arrives, but when she’s here, he will change totally, step up and be a wonderful father. Having never been through this before, I’ve no idea how men normally react but I know this doesn’t feel right. I’d love to be corrected but AIBU in thinking he’s not going to change and suddenly become interested when she’s here? :( advice appreciated

I think there is a difference between a guy being slightly off, distant and nervous. And aguy that didn't want kids, but agreed. Refuses to attend scans, makes his wife work hard so that she can fund the child and basically saying that the child is her responsibility.

The first guy can step up after the birth. The second one will become even shittier person.

It certainly doesn’t sound like a partnership- he may come round to love the baby and being a family but it sounds like he has yet to realise that he is not single anymore.

Does he want to be a family with all the shared responsibility including for financing maternity leave and all family related expense and tasks or single and responsible only for himself.

Now there is a baby (and there’s is as she has already impacted your health, relationship and finances) it doesn’t work for him to behave as though single.

He must choose for himself though you can’t choose for him.

But you can choose for you.

I’m too embarrassed to discuss this with family in RL but have told a couple of close friends who say many men can be like this before the baby arrives, but when she’s here, he will change totally, step up and be a wonderful father

yeah that’s bullshit and it also doesn’t excuse his hurtful detached behaviour one iota. Men are supposed to care for their partners more in pregnancy, not less. It’s not a hard concept.

Personally I’d get your family told pronto as on balance if sounds like you’ll be doing this solo in no time as he’s likely to resent the baby and your new role as mum.

Ohh I'm sorry your having a hard time but I really don't want to upset you but it's harder once the baby has arrived it can destroy even the best relationships when your sleep deprived fed up you can take it out on one another
My DH bless has put up with enough of me snapping at him when I've been tired or when the children have worn me down all day but from the get go of me being pregnant both times he's been super supportive always attended every appointment which was important like scans consultant meetings etc and I didn't have an easy pregnancy with my second so there were a few more appointments to attend than when I was pregnant with my first
He sounds horrible and the fact he's making you buy everything for his and your child and not wanting to contribute doesn't bode well that and the fact he's already told you he ain't willing to stop going out and doing what he wants proves how selfish he is I'm not saying when you have kids your life finishes but you do sacrifice a lot when they are little I would suggest reaching out to someone you trust IRL see what they say

The responsibility can be nerve wracking you can acknowledge this but it is time for him to step up (you are doing)

Get your ducks in a row now, OP. Have a plan in place, save it on a private hidden file in your phone so you always have it and wont forget bits post birth.

This man is likely going to be a massive c*nt post birth. And even if he does 'step-up' he is still a massive cunt anyway. Who the fuck speaks to their pregnant wife like that and makes her work extra for her maternity leave and pay for all the baby things.

Why aren't your finances pooled? You are married. Did you not realise he was a prick beforehand? Or did you and just hoped he'd change?

Please talk to your family. You're about to become a mum, imagine if your baby was having this issue and didn't tell you. Your mum will just want to help, let her. Sorry he's being a shit, and I don't think it's normal of loving fathers to behave like that, no.

He's a dick, but to be honest him saying he would have kids because he wanted YOU to be happy should have been a bit of a red flag. You obviously took from this what you wanted to hear. Maybe he'll change once the baby comes but, if anything, you'll have even less time to give him. I would start thinking long term here without him.

My DH was totally freaked out when I told him I was pregnant I could see it on his face. If he could have changed his mind at that point he would have done. But, he never voiced it. He never made me feel that he was anything other fully supportive. He made sure he was at appointments he needed to be at and that everything me and the baby needed was bought. All with a terrified look in his eyes.

This was because he isn't a dick. He was just frightened of what was coming. He was smitten as soon as DS was put in his arms and has been the totally devoted dad I knew he would be.

I'm sorry that your DH is treating you like shit. Because that's what he doing. :(

I have family nearby but they are unaware of any of this at the moment as I know they’d be awfully worried and probably upset I’ve got myself in this position.

I am confident they'd be far more worried and upset to know you were going through this alone instead of letting them help and support you.

I think you may also find this helpful: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Sounds like coercive control.

Please leave now and get yourself back to parents if possible. File for divorce on the grounds of irretrievably broken down marriage - you will be entitled to far more single than with him (benefit wise) please leave - if it does shock him into counselling etc fine but do not tolerate this or minimise this - enough is enough - leave now and see what happens but it’s far better alone that with a twat

If he can't attend appointments to check on the health of your child then you would really be better off without him. It's such a callous attitude towards both you and the baby.

He didn’t want a baby and is making damn sure you don’t forget it. Get used to being a single parent I’d say

Can't be bothered to attend, I mean.

Maybe he'll change, maybe he wont, but it doesn't look good for the newborn stage full of vomit, poo and sleep deprivation. DH became an absolute twat when i was pregnant, pretty much refusing to help for the first 8 months. It was hellish but I got through it. Now he had a better bond with DD but only with a lot of pestering from me, and me doing the hard bits. Only you can decide what to do but be aware of what he's like and dont just let him breeze over it.

Did you not realise he was a prick beforehand? Or did you and just hoped he'd change?

Or more likely, he waited until after they were married and the op was pregnant - and therefore in his view trapped - before escalating his behaviour.

Sorry op, but there will be no magic 'omg a baby' and he changes. It'll be worse. He will become a millstone around your neck. You would be better off without someone who will make nasty comments, and if he is already saying he won't help you might as well tell him to get stuffed.

Please talk to your family, you need and deserve support.

I’m so sorry you’re going here. Don’t take any notice of the comments from a few of the nasty women on here.

I’m afraid this is not a good sign - particularly the part where he gaslighted you.

Withdraw from him, start talking to your family - use the money you saved to get away from him.

Try to take it as easy as you can for the last couple of weeks if you've not started mat leave. You'll have a tiring time and ten hours days might have exhausted you unless you have boundless reserves of energy.

It's sad but get your ducks in a row (Now baby's here, wills, life assurance and so on need checking again, DH).

If he's adamant he won't contribute and you're happy to then I'd expect he's in for some shaming from his family and friends (Ideally, I do hope my DS is pulling his weight, MIL and FIL says. Actually, your DS has made it clear.... Why have you worked for ten hour days? Because your OP made it clear he wouldn't pull his weight.).

As some PPs have said, it's possibly reality could encourage him to step up but don't rely on it. Sorry, OP.

Good luck.

First of all Congratulations on your pregnancy.There is a slim chance that DH may step up to the plate when he sees his new baby .However I think you should be prepared for the fact that he may not want children as he is 45 now !.Sometimes middle aged men feel worried about losing their "freedom" ,and may panic at the thought of having a family later in life.See if you can speak to your family at all ,Does he have friends you could speak to?.If your family know the situation they can help you if necessary .Good Luck and see if you could also speak with him again and explain you feel tired and see what he says (Appeal to his better Nature maybe)!

What an awful situation for you, OP.

His mistake was to agree to start trying, sounds like he was hoping it just wouldn't happen. And as for his attitude - that's disgusting.

In the movie version of your life, he'll be an amazing dad as soon as the baby is born and his whole personality and attitude will change.

But in reality...he's half way out the door already, resentful of you and the idea of the baby.

How unsupportive he's been would give me enough reason to want to leave. You're so young, you'll be a fab mum, this is just the start of a new chapter. It may be a much happier chapter without him in it.

Well, yes, some men can be very difficult during their wives/partners' pregnancies.
But, in my experience, they're usually shits in other respects too. I mean, what decent bloke would upset someone they even liked, let alone loved, in such a way?

Without wanting to compound the negativity OP in the most part the pregnancy is the easy bit, when the baby arrives it has a massive effect on everything and if you are feeling this now it is going to be ten times work if he is going to be an even bigger prick when the baby is here. Is he intending to be at the birth?

The OP is not an idiot! She changed her mind about wanting a child, told her then partner and he agreed to have one with her despite his feelings on the matter. He’s then married her, conceived a baby and is now behaving like a nasty bully. It’s quite common for men who are like that (Nasty bullies) to escalate their shitty behaviour after marrying the woman and her being pregnant. If he felt that strongly about not having a child he should have said no. He wasn’t tricked into this he chose this too.

OP I’d do what others have said about getting ducks in rows, establishing your support system and being prepared to do this by yourself without him supporting you- other than financially. This isn’t going to get better, if anything it’ll get worse.