Does a messy home negatively affect a child's upbringing?

[MaryPopppins]

A friend of mine has gone away for the week and as an emergency needed me to feed her cats and let them in and out as her mum is also away and normally does it.

I've only been in her living room and kitchen before. They're both very cluttered, no space on sides anywhere. And lots of collections. But I guess I'm used to it and look past it as kids are normally running round playing and we only tend to pop in for an hour or two here and there.

But today saw the bedrooms and bathroom for the first time. And was really quite shocked and saddened.

(It's a bungalow, you have to pass the kids 2 bedrooms and the bathroom to get into the lounge and kitchen, wasn't snooping. Normally the doors are shut.)

The kids bedrooms were covered. I can't quite figure out how they get into and out of bed. And the bath was piled high with dirty washing and towels. Toilet all brown, even the seat, sink full of bath toys. Every windowsill is full of stuff so they wouldn't be able to open/close curtains etc.

If I'd seen photos online I'd assume it was of mentally unwell people or old people who needed help. (I will admit to being a germ phonic person. Quite obsessed.)

But they're smart, and the kids are smart, quite cheeky boisterous children but they're happy enough and doing fine at school.

Am I blinkered and terribly judgemental and that's a fine way to live? Will it effect the kids negatively?

I'm not concerned for their emotional well being. But I suddenly feel really sad for them seeing where they sleep/are supposed to get clean.

I was lucky to grow up in a very tidy home. My mum is very house proud and maybe I just took it for granted?

I feel like offering help would insult them. They're very capable. Maybe they're overwhelmed?

You said yourself that the kids are smart and funny and happy and doing well in school. Doesnt sound like its affecting them negatively.

Speaking as someone whose parents had a fairly messy house (very cluttered, stuff on every surface) the only way it affected me was as a teen I was a bit embarrassed to have friends over. Our house is also untidy although slightly less than my parents.

And they're probably not overwhelmed, they just have other priorities and cant "see" the mess.

I think clutter and dirt are quite different things. Houses can be quite cluttered and untidy but not overly dirty. But it sounds like this house is also dirty, if the toilet is brown?! (not envy!)

Sounds awful. But if as you say the kids are happy, healthy, well loved, educated, clean and not being confined in the house amongst all the mess then I suppose it’s just another way of living. Does your friend struggle with it or is she fine with it?

That's what I mean beanbag.

I must be being terribly judgemental.

I guess growing up in a very tidy home made me think that's how life was.

The first thing my mum does when she comes over is cleans for me (often she has to find something to clean as I don't have much mess) I guess it how she likes to try and take care of her family. And not in place of emotional support. She's fabulous.

Just shocked me is all I guess. But yes the kids seem fine. So I just have to get over it I guess and see past it as they must.

I'd just love to get in there and scrub at it all of it were mine.

I don’t understand either why people who struggle with day to day mess then throw pets into the situation as well.

There is a balance between a lot of stuff and too much (which of course means you can’t clean etc) from what you describe it does sound that balance is slipping

You see we’re quite cluttered and I grew up in a tidy home but I have memories of mum tidying instead of playing, hardly ever being allowed to paint, do play doh etc.
We weren’t allowed to mix up toys - just one thing at a time out, which I still feel hugely resentful for today. When mine have made a transformer base with blocks, and added dressing up clothes and Lego weapons it makes my heart sing!

There's mess and general living clutter of families who do much and there's inability to sort stuff out and break down of general cleaning.

Luckily I grew up in former. Lots of ornaments , bits, tons books...over flowing ironing basket but eventually got done.

Poor DH had the opposite. Show home. Couldn't breathe without being inspected! Constant cleaning , talking about cleaning Etc Etc.

Awful.

This house sounds to much OP. Can you offer help?

Mrs cog. DH parents like that.

I cannot understand how child's imagination is supposed to run and flow...in the moment when they have to stop too put away one set and get another out???

Utterly stunting and barmy.

Mine can mix and grab what they damm well want!

Free flow.

I cannot bear these tightly controlled environments. Let people live and breathe for goodness sake!!

Even if it doesn't affect them negatively, I think it will affect the sense of discipline. A mess here and there while someone is doing a project is fine, but it's always good to clean up afterwards.

Like you said 'And the bath was piled high with dirty washing and towels. Toilet all brown, even the seat, sink full of bath toys. Every windowsill is full of stuff so they wouldn't be able to open/close curtains etc.' It seems like it isn't just cluttered but an on-going journey of becoming a hoarder.

The first thing my mum would do is sit down for a good chat and to spend precious time with me and have a good laugh.

I don't think I can offer help. If ever she asked I'd be there.

But I don't know the husband well (seems a very nice guy though) and because they don't seem bothered or have never mentioned clutter/mess then I can't really bring it up.

I guess I was lucky my mum was a good balance. She'd nag about my room as a teenager but as I child I could play with what a wanted etc. The only rule was no food in the front room, but the back room had all my toys and a sofa and TV etc too.

I can fully appreciate that being too tidy/strict could be very hard and detrimental.

I am happy for DC to make a mess but once something I'm messy is finished with we tidy it up before onto the next thing.

And I like toys to be looked after. So no drawing on them, leaving in garden etc.

Yes it will effect the children. My mum has undiagnosed MH issues. She's never sought help, but she clearly displays symptoms of OCD and she is a hoarder. Growing up, our house was filthy and cluttered. It was stressful growing up in an environment like that. Ever since I got my own home, I've gone the opposite way and now have to have my house spotless. To the point where I'm anxious at the slightest bit of mess. I throw everything out, I can't stand clutter. It makes me feel claustrophobic. I never ever want my kids to grow up in a house like I did.

I think it can do,yes.

I know someone who grew up in such a home. She was too ashamed to bring friends round, and felt inadequate and insecure as a result. Those feelings have lasted into adulthood. It has left her with a bit of a skewed approach to cleaning - her house is at the higher end of normal levels of clean and tidy, but sometimes she'll go a bit funny and forensically clean one particular item and area for hours. When someone visits for the first time, she will spend the previous three days cleaning, even when the house is fine.

Someone else I know lives in a very messy and quite dirty house - their children all have asthma that is made worse by dust. The children are always ill with chest infections and asthma attacks, and I can't help but think that a good clean and wash down of all the walls and skirting would make a huge difference.

Then, of course, there is school work - children who live in chaotic homes like this often can't find a spare patch of table or desk to study.

Our house is cluttered and messy but not on the scale like your friends ! My four teenagers are all bright and doing well I think the only problem is they are embarrassed to bring friends over and my eldest cleans up before his gf stays over which is very rare.

A scrupulously tidy home is likely to affect the child negatively. But it has to be clean!

Mine's usually a bit untidy, and a bit dusty. Maybe a cobweb overhead (spiders love our house). But the loos are clean, the basins are clean, the kitchen's clean.

Yes it can have a negative impact on a child’s health, that is why social services get involved as this is environmental neglect.
It’s neglect.

My DM never took any care in the house at all. I grew up quite isolated as I could never ask friends over and they stop asking you after a while.

I genuinely just think that she can't be arsed. I moved out 10 years ago and it has got worse, she does the basics but lets the house go to shit around her.

If the bath is full how do they get themselves clean?
What about toiletries? Are the kids able to find them?
Is the kitchen hygienic? Would you eat in it?
What about access to clean clothes?
Bed with sheets and clean covers?
I guess no sleep overs as where would other kids sleep?
At least the kids have other friends over to play but if house continues to be a mess then as they get older truth is that'll stop as they will be embarrassed.

I think it may be worth a call to the nspcc to discuss your concerns. They will be able to guide you as to what to do.

This is quite useful. Apparently anything of 4 or more is likely to interfere with daily life.

FWIW - our kitchen is probably a 1.9 (not quite a 2 but nearly), our lounge a 1.5, me and dh’s bedroom a 1.1, ds’s bedroom a 1.5 and dd’s bedroom a 2 (and occasionally goes up to a 2.5 before I start threatening bin bags and she does a token tidy up!). We live just fine but I would like to be a bit tidier. (So I don’t have to say “sorry about the mess” when people come round unexpectedly!)

hoardingdisordersuk.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/clutter-image-ratings.pdf

Sorry that is revolting and no way to bring up children. The bathroom situation could make them ill. If people want to live like slobs then fine, I think it should change however once you decide to have children- they have no choice in how they live. Not too sure how I would go about this, I’d probably offer help or be honest about how I felt on behalf of the children.
On some of the points above- I appreciate everyone is different but I work hard for my home, to me there is nothing worse than a house that is ruled and taken over by kids with children’s toys everywhere.

What is needed is balance which neither of the extremes have.
Messiness and dirt are two very different things yet get conflated as if they're the same.

This made me think about a recent reflective article written by an adult who grew up in a messy home: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/15/apple-cores-down-sofa-slugs-in-sink-messy-childhood-max-liu

Oh wow, mum I think all the “2” pictures in that link are too messy! Never mind the “4” pictures!

That’s so interesting @mumoftwokids, our would all be between 1.5 and 2. The ‘1’ pictures make me feel instantly anxious! I feel so much better with a few things ‘out’!