Does a messy home negatively affect a child's upbringing?

[MaryPopppins]

A friend of mine has gone away for the week and as an emergency needed me to feed her cats and let them in and out as her mum is also away and normally does it.

I've only been in her living room and kitchen before. They're both very cluttered, no space on sides anywhere. And lots of collections. But I guess I'm used to it and look past it as kids are normally running round playing and we only tend to pop in for an hour or two here and there.

But today saw the bedrooms and bathroom for the first time. And was really quite shocked and saddened.

(It's a bungalow, you have to pass the kids 2 bedrooms and the bathroom to get into the lounge and kitchen, wasn't snooping. Normally the doors are shut.)

The kids bedrooms were covered. I can't quite figure out how they get into and out of bed. And the bath was piled high with dirty washing and towels. Toilet all brown, even the seat, sink full of bath toys. Every windowsill is full of stuff so they wouldn't be able to open/close curtains etc.

If I'd seen photos online I'd assume it was of mentally unwell people or old people who needed help. (I will admit to being a germ phonic person. Quite obsessed.)

But they're smart, and the kids are smart, quite cheeky boisterous children but they're happy enough and doing fine at school.

Am I blinkered and terribly judgemental and that's a fine way to live? Will it effect the kids negatively?

I'm not concerned for their emotional well being. But I suddenly feel really sad for them seeing where they sleep/are supposed to get clean.

I was lucky to grow up in a very tidy home. My mum is very house proud and maybe I just took it for granted?

I feel like offering help would insult them. They're very capable. Maybe they're overwhelmed?

I grew up in a tidy house - it was awful, my mum as always cleaning and my dad would lose his temper over the tiniest amount of mess. My sister and I dod not feel comfortable at home and we both moved out as soon as we could.

My house is sometimes cluttered and messy - I leave the dc's stuff out if they're still playing with it (dens made from sofa cushions and so on). I like that it's relaxed and creative. I find that if it's very tidy I feel far more stressed out about keeping that way.

Not sure what to advise re your friend's house - my gut says mind your own business, unless you think the children are somehow at risk.

I’m more interested in why an extremely tidy able-bodied adult has her mother come over to clean for her in a house she already acknowledges is extremely clean. Are you and your mother obsessive about cleanliness, OP?

I was lucky to grow up in a very tidy home. My mum is very house proud and maybe I just took it for granted?
That would be my idea of hell. I’m lucky I grew up to understand that there are lots of different people in the world and one persons hell is anothers heaven.

If the kids don't want to invite people home because of the clutter, that's too cluttered.

Growing up I knew 2 houses like that.

1 was a friend of mine, the house was dirty (to my young eyes, and mine wasn't always tidy) - the dog used to have accidents - because it was left inside on its own for hours on end. My friend would upend her teacup onto the carpet to get rid of the dregs before pouring herself another cup.

I am still in touch, her own house is immaculate.

The other was a family I babysat for. They lived in a big expensive house and had a couple of expensive cars. He was a dentist.

I have 2 big memories. The first I was baby sitting and the baby (youngest of 3) was on his morning nap when I got there. He woke up about half an hour later and he stank. I changed his nappy (I was about 13/14). The nappy (pre disposable terry) was absolutely saturated and he was dirty, with dried on poo and a very sore bum. Obviously put down to sleep wet and dirty.

The other time I was baby sitting whilst mum went shopping, she arrived home and her husband came back 10 minutes later deciding they should go out to lunch. Kids, happily scruffy from garden and sandpit and chocolate biscuits, were scooped up and put in the car. Dirty clothes, hands and faces and were taken out to lunch just as they were. Yeuk.

In the end I guess it does affect them but whilst some will be affected by taking the same attitude, others will respond by being the opposite.

Same as any dysfunctional family, the affects depend on the personality of the child as well as the environment they are brought up in.

It did for me. I was allowed to invite friends over but was always too embarrassed as I got to age 10ish. It did impact my relationships at school I feel, rightly or wrongly

One of my friends is like this. House a complete pigsty. Don’t thinks it’s dirty, just really cluttered. Her parents house is he same.

Her parents are successful, as is she. Too busy living life to be cleaning and doing chores

All our rooms sit neatly between a 1 and a 2. I couldn't maintain a 1 but wouldn't tolerate a 2. Your friend's house sounds like it needs a bit more attention, that isn't a healthy environment to live in.

I know an adult whose home was like this as a child. It affected her. She felt unable to ever have friends round or sleepovers. She felt chaotic and unsettled. It's affected her enjoyment as an adult and she chooses to avoid both her parents home (as it's still the same), and avoids places similar/less messy but still chaotic. She finds it overwhelming. She feels that they didn't want to make the home a comfortable place for her.

Surely the bath is piled with laundry because she’s gone on holiday ? Normally they’d need to get in it so it couldn’t be. The kids may have had a good session that they didn’t have time to put away before trey went away. Tbh it’s none of your bloody business

Realising my house is a 1 upto 1.5 tops. But then reflecting on how my parents are mild hoarders and messy and always have been.
I still find it stressful to visit them. If we stay I often end up cleaning. As although my mum does clean, wash up, laundry etc there still is always just extra stuff around. Crumbs over all surfaces. Engrained dirt and dust around the bath.
I purchased a spray cleaner to use three years ago for bathroom usage and it's only just running out.
Nothing gets repaired or replaced quickly even when it has outlived its usefulness.
And I am never quite sure how bad it's going to be. That is quite stressful to. I also detest how my mum must bring her own coffee with her wherever she goes as she can't possibly have your stuff due to fussiness, yet it is in a grubby tub that just gets replenished instead of washed ever.

I still get embarrassed by other people visiting my parents. If my grandparents are to visit and I'm there before again I will clean as my grandma will otherwise do it and it is not fair to her as she's nearly 80 years old.

Sorry Essay!! Yes it does affect forever

Blimey, I think 1 is messy in all those photos!

Can’t be doing with cereal boxes on display etc

It may not affect them now but they may struggle when they are older.

I grew up in a house similar and I really have to work hard to keep a clean and tidy house now I'm an adult.

Simple things like putting things away after I've finished with them and putting rubbish in the bin does not come naturally.

The problem with those pictures is as soon as something is on the floor it looks messy. Pic two kitchen crap on the floor but completely clear dining table. Surely the table should clutter first?

Haha bearbehind I feel the same! I sometimes wish I didn’t. The 2 and onwards photos make me feel deeply uncomfortable and I couldn’t sit there if it were my space, I’d be hugely stressed.

It may well do, yes. My parents had (and still do have) and inordinate amount of clutter. Every single surface - kitchen worktops, table, windowledge - was full of piles of papers, post, newspapers, clutter and stuff, stuff, stuff. I hated our messy house, it was embarrassing when I had friends home. Once I tidied everything up when my parents were out but it looked like I hadn't bothered within a day or so.

As an adult I am obsessively tidy. My home isn't minimalist or bare by any stretch of the imagination but I can't bear clutter and I border on OCD when it comes to putting things away, everything being tidy and lined up and there not being stuff left lying around. I don't think these two scenarios are unconnected.

My bog is brown its caused by the water reacting with the scale in the pan if you chuck some bleach in there it sorts it fine so not a big issue.

Mum and dads house was clutterville squared! really was but although Justa towers is the exact opposite some may say a bit sterile apart from the huge audio system but if the children are loved and its a warm happy household whatever is wrong with that?

I should add that our house was never unclean, it was just the sheer volume of stuff.

I think clutter and dirt are quite different things.

Totally agree. Our house is sometimes messy, e.g. people dump their shoes and backpacks in the hall (drives me mad!), but it's cleaned regularly. Never piled up with dirty washing or toys, and I hate dirty sinks and toilets.

It sounds like the mess has got out of hand in this house and she needs to have a thorough tidy-out so she can actually clean. Not sure it's something that you can mention, though. It would damage the friendship.

Yes it can negatively impact children. My Ex partner grew up in a cluttered home. It wasn’t dirty, bathroom and kitchen always very clean etc. but there was (and I assume still is) stuff everywhere. They’d eat with plates on their laps as the dining table would be piled high with clothes/stuff. I also come from a relatively tidy family so was shocked when I first went to his house.

It caused him huge stress growing up in such a cluttered environment and acute embarrassment/feelings of inadequacy. He went the other way and became neurotic about tidiness and organization (god I miss having someone like that around sometimes )

Not to be rude here justaboy but then why don’t you just throw some bleach down it? For the sake of just doing that do you really want the embarrassment factor instead when a guest uses it? And if you don’t feel embarrassed I honestly don’t know what to think- I don’t know whether to admire you for giving zero shots or feel embarrassed on your behalf to be honest.

I agree with others that dirt and clutter are very different. Personally, I like a home to look/ feel lived in. I’d say our house is a 1.8 - 2ish on those pictures - as was the house I grew up in (and the 1 pictures make me feel a bit anxious). DH and are both people who don’t really “see” mess. But we are lucky enough to be able to afford a cleaner so I know it’s day to day clutter not mess or grime. The bathroom/ toilet being so dirty sounds a bit grim.

I grew up with a mother who was obsessed with housework and I was never allowed to have friends to visit.

I rebelled a bit with my own house and my children were allowed to be messy and have friends to visit. I couldn’t live in a dirty house though - it doesn’t take long to clean a toilet and keep it fresh. I think I’d have to have a conversation with your friend and ask if she needs help.

Or clean the toilet while she’s not there and see if she mentions it. If you’re friendly enough to have her keys you’re friendly enough to do her a favour.

I’m just thinking of my own friends and I wouldn’t like to think they were living that way because they were maybe a bit overwhelmed.

Yes it must as social services place a lot of emphasis on a clean, tidy home.

I would hate to live like that and know my mental health would suffer, not to mention I'd be too embarrassed to have anyone round.

Thanks for that link, motheroftwoyoungkids

I thought I was untidy and I live alone, so no excuse - but all my rooms are a 1, which surprised me !