Does a messy home negatively affect a child's upbringing?

[MaryPopppins]

A friend of mine has gone away for the week and as an emergency needed me to feed her cats and let them in and out as her mum is also away and normally does it.

I've only been in her living room and kitchen before. They're both very cluttered, no space on sides anywhere. And lots of collections. But I guess I'm used to it and look past it as kids are normally running round playing and we only tend to pop in for an hour or two here and there.

But today saw the bedrooms and bathroom for the first time. And was really quite shocked and saddened.

(It's a bungalow, you have to pass the kids 2 bedrooms and the bathroom to get into the lounge and kitchen, wasn't snooping. Normally the doors are shut.)

The kids bedrooms were covered. I can't quite figure out how they get into and out of bed. And the bath was piled high with dirty washing and towels. Toilet all brown, even the seat, sink full of bath toys. Every windowsill is full of stuff so they wouldn't be able to open/close curtains etc.

If I'd seen photos online I'd assume it was of mentally unwell people or old people who needed help. (I will admit to being a germ phonic person. Quite obsessed.)

But they're smart, and the kids are smart, quite cheeky boisterous children but they're happy enough and doing fine at school.

Am I blinkered and terribly judgemental and that's a fine way to live? Will it effect the kids negatively?

I'm not concerned for their emotional well being. But I suddenly feel really sad for them seeing where they sleep/are supposed to get clean.

I was lucky to grow up in a very tidy home. My mum is very house proud and maybe I just took it for granted?

I feel like offering help would insult them. They're very capable. Maybe they're overwhelmed?

I'd also not offer to tidy, as much as you would like to. It will cause you resentment when you realise that you have sacrificed your time whilst they have sat around doing nothing or going out. Then you will visit and it will be back to exactly how it was!!

My parents house was embarrassingly messy and it affected me. By the time I was a teenager I was so embarrassed. I don't think I noticed it as a small child but when I went to secondary school and invited a new friend back, word soon went round about the weird house that I lived in.

" "sitting in this living room now, you wouldn't think you had a DC, I'm amazed at how tidy it is" and I she's making a dig"

I would be very tempted to reply with "I'm not lazy like you". Although in real life I wouldn't. I might say something like "it only takes 5 minutes to put the toys away" (which could a be a pa dig at her laziness )

I grew up with 5s being incredibly, never before seen so, tidy - those photos don't allow for hoarding of furniture and electrical appliances + equipment. I made the bits of the house I could into 5s from the age of 10. And would come back from school to find that any gap I'd made on the floor, cooker, counter, table or suchlike had been filled overnight with a ton of new stuff. The first time I cleaned the kitchen, I spent five hours just trying to get grease off the sides.

At age 40, I was still being blamed for making the place messy when I'd moved out with the first boy who showed the slightest interest at 16 and a half. By then it was 9s, 10s and the bathroom and kitchen would be, as far as I'm concerned, 11s. My late brother wasn't allowed to have a bath or take anything out of the sink to wash and there was space for a single size 5 foot on each of the stairs, using the wall for support, as it wasn't possible to reach the banister over the mountains of stuff. It took an entire 6 hour day to get enough cleared to be able to physically walk to and open the back door. I gave up on that following being violently attacked.

I'm looking at my kitchen now and feeling that it's about a 0.8 and needs a bloody good clean. On the rare occasions it's got to about 1.3 because DP is responsible for cooking whilst I'm working (and ill/disabled), I'm trying not to hyperventilate. 1.5 results in utter rage and everything not nailed down being shoved into bin bags and hoyed out the front door.

I suppose you either react against it or continue it.

@MitziK

I grew up with parents that wanted the house to look like a show home at all times.

I remember hating it as I grew up, I felt I couldn't move without being told I was making a mess

after having my DD and struggling with PND I felt I failed because my house wasn't "perfect"
They continue to tell me it's okay they aren't /other guests aren't there to see the house but to see DD.

But because they would tidy every inch of the house for someone who was just gong to sit in the kitchen I don't believe them. And every time we have guests I have a mini melt down and put pressure on myself and DH to get everything in it's right place

I'm trying really hard not so that DD doesn't feel the same pressure

I don't think it's remotely healthy for me

I grew up in a slightly cluttered but clean house (maybe 2s at a push). I'm quite tidy but XH was not and our rooms were 3s and 4s. It made me very anxious but it's impossible to tidy away that sheer volume of stuff. My own house now is 1s in most rooms, occasionally a 1.5 if I've been really busy/ill. I'm not precious about DS not doing things so as not to make a mess though, I just tidy after.

One of my very good friends doesn’t prioritise household chores. Her chore W up in what I would call squalor. My daughters friend (her daughter) lived out of bin bags mainly. Food was rarely in date. House was a pile of papers and tat. The children sorted themselves out mainly but she had some strict rules - no eating the street, no television before 7pm, no makeup for teenagers. She’s one of the kindest people I know and I could always drop the children at 6:30am, if I needed to.
Her children are all well adjusted, close to their parents and successful now. Two doctors and a professor of English amongst her brood. They don’t feel harddone by or damaged by their environment.

My house is cluttered and I mean horrendously cluttered. I just don’t have any time at all to sort it out
The house is clean though so toilet and bathroom always clean and kitchen too. Carpets hoovered. Bins emptied

Can’t find anything I need though and the piles of stuff just get bigger

You see we’re quite cluttered and I grew up in a tidy home but I have memories of mum tidying instead of playing, hardly ever being allowed to paint, do play doh etc.
We weren’t allowed to mix up toys - just one thing at a time out, which I still feel hugely resentful for today. When mine have made a transformer base with blocks, and added dressing up clothes and Lego weapons it makes my heart sing!

On the flip side of this I grew up in a cluttered and dirty house and I hated it. I never had friends back to play or for tea and I felt so ashamed.

It’s definitely something I’ve carried with me into adulthood. I’m not obsessive about cleaning - I definitely prioritise spending time with the DCs over dusting - but I do male the effort to make sure my house is always ‘visitor ready’. I’d die of shame if anyone ever came round and there was washing piled all in the sofa or there were dishes in the sink or skids in the loo.

lob some bleach down the loo, usually it's just limescale makes it brown
You don't know that it's normally as bad, mum has gone off in an emergency, packing can generate mess at the best of times, and maybe she thought to put the load of washing that she'd been just about to put on in the bath so as not to clutter up the kitchen floors
Maybe. I'd still not contact the NSPCC, as it sounds as if the littleuns are thriving, and if there has been a traumatic happening how awful t come back to accusations, doesn't sound like Dad does anything round the house though. Just continue being a good neighbour and keep a watchful eye.

A brown toilet isn’t always down to shit. Loo bowls tend to stain with age: you really need to go to town on it every so often in high limescale areas and plenty of people don’t.

If it gets to the point that the children are too embarrassed to have friends round - or are never allowed to invite friends over - then yes, it is out of hand.

I tutor in a filthy, cluttered house. The kids never have friends over/sleepover etc as they are embarrassed and there is just no room even though it’s a big house.
I feel very sorry for the children; their parents have good jobs but some definite mh issues. I only go to read with the kids now as they enjoy that as they have no other family or friends etc.

Interesting. I must admit my bedroom is looking like a 3 to 4 at present with stuff on floor but in kitchen for instance .. it's strange stuff on floor in 2.... just shows really if floor kept clear things look a lot better

Either extreme is bad . Too dirty, cluttered and too clean, immaculate.

Happy relaxed medium best.

Those pictures make me feel much better. Mine often resembles a 2 by the kids bedtime but is returned to a 1 Once they are asleep. I always feel like I live in a shithole because I'm permanently exhausted.

I grew up in a grim home, it was awful for friends coming over :(

Oh and I love in a bad area for water. My toilet is scrubbed every Monday and is white, by Friday it is yellowing and by Sunday it looks like years worth of build up compared to where I used to live

I just don’t have any time at all to sort it out

Not even 20 - 30 minutes a day?

Don't really get the 'it only takes 5 mins, you must be lazy' if your house isn't very tidy brigade other than to say that I have a 1yr old and I do feel very time pressed. We usually spend around a whole day of every weekend cleaning, I don't get people saying you can do it in 20 minutes, do what in 20 minutes? Dust, hoover, and mop a 3 up 2 down house + cleaning tables, kitchen, bathroom? Then there's the other jobs like cooking laundry guinea pig's cage bedding changes tidying washing up, bits of DIY, shopping...as far as I can see the only way I could achieve a 1 all the time would be to sacrifice most of my weekend time and also sleep less, as I go to bed quite early usually on weeknights. I'm not willing to do either, I wouldn't pick 1 over sleep or family time on a weekend

Oh gosh, you sound just like me when I go to BIL and SILs. Their house is almost always filthy. I really don't like going over as it feels like everything is dirty. The clutter and untidyness is one thing (there is a LOT of clutter, but who with young children doesn't have clutter?) but the grime really gets to me, and makes me really sad for their children. My nieces bedroom just feels quite sad. But they seem happy with how their lives are, and the kids are happy and healthy so, different strokes I suppose?

I don't think this question is about trying to make women, primarily, feel bad, but whilst I don't think a messy home is the end of the world, I do think a very messy home does impact children.

I think children love routine and order. I believe they thrive in that environment.
I think it can be a pita for parents at times but I believe that to be the truth.

My home has loads of storage and because of this has the benign appearance of a very tidy house. It has always been commented upon by children, in a positive way.

I have always, always, deflected these comments by saying, well I am at home and we have loads of messy storage space(which we really do).

I think in tidy spaces you can breathe deeply. Clutter completely blocks your head I believe.

Clutter is overwhelming. I have felt that pressure of needing to get rid of stuff, and when I have eventually got round to it, it has felt great.

Those pictures gave me anxiety, I honestly don't understand how anyone could live surrounded by all that mess.

I'm reading a lot of "clutter doesn't mean dirty" but how can you possibly get around to clean properly if things are so cluttered and untidy? There's no way.

I thought my house was bad but it's a 2 at worst. The rest give me the horrors. It should never take more than 2 hours and a bottle of antibacterial spray to clean and tidy a home that children live in.

I grew up in a home that was stiflingly clean and tidy. My mother developed an obsession with keeping it absolutely perfect at all times and freaked if we did anything to mess it up. My mother however loved to entertain, for her the house and what she imagined people thought of it was everything. Having our friends over wasn't an option though, learning to cook, doing crafts, playing in doors other than board games/puzzles at a table was impossible. There was one sofa no one could ever sit on, things that couldn't be touched, constant tellings off, It was stressful for everyone including her.