Partner using prostitutes in the past

[MyUserNameIsTaken]

Hi there,

Wanted to get other people's views on this. Been with my partner for 3 years but have known him for 20 and thought I knew everything there was to know about him. Watching something on TV where someone a man was seeing a prostitute behind his wife's back, randomly asked "have you ever been to a prostitute?" expecting him to reply no and he says "yes", we are both very open liberal people but I have to admit I was expecting him to say no! He then says - once 25 years ago, another time about 10 years ago and then another time 7 years ago. All times were when he was on 'boys' holidays as it were in Europe and Asia.

I'm in no way a prude sexually - not in the slightest, and this was way in the past before we got together and he's been tested etc, but my reaction really shocked me - I was like "OMG that is SO SO SO disgusting!! I feel like I want to get tested!! You've put me right off you!" The last time he was on hol with a friend of his that I know really well (he says the friend didn't go) and that has turned my stomach as well and I feel like I can't look him in the eye now!

I have had friends in the past who were/are sex workers and as I say my reaction shocked me as I know its not always "girl trapped in world she has not control over and is made to have sex for money" BUT the reality is (esp in Asia) there is a chance they were being exploited - oh I just don't know. It's just made me feel a bit ill and a bit angry and I don't think I have the right to be - what do you all think?

I realise not all women in that industry are trafficked, coerced feel they have no option or have experienced previous trauma, but the percentage is high. Even aside from that it is transactional, using a woman's body purely for his own gratification, even with a one night stand there's some mutual attraction even if it's fleeting. It's pretty grim, but I guess if you didn't want to know you shouldn't have asked

I think it would depend on how he regards sex workers. I find the way he sought them out in non regulated locations frequently abused by traffickers pretty grim though (not that he did this deliberately, but the lack of thought that went into it.) Has his mentality and knowledge improved since? If so, it wouldn’t worry me. Everyone is learning.

I'd feel exactly the same as you. I'd be disgusted. Like Zippy said above its transactional and seeing a woman as a piece of fun to buy, play with and chuck away. I'm not sure I could get past that to be honest of I found our my partner had bought sex.

as long as it was before you were together and as long as he used protection, I think you should just let it go

It would make me feel very differently about him.

And yes, the places he did it were unregulated, exploitation filled, quite poor (extremely so in Asia) which is even worse than eg a escort working for herself in Essex, no offence people from essex, if just jumped into my head.

Clearly you didn't know everything there was to know; pity you.didnt ask earlier than 3 years in.

It's the attitude/culture behind going and paying women to use their bodies,barring them as sex objects, paying for sex at all ... O don't like the culture of people who partake in it.

• seeing them *Or

I think STIs are the least of your worries. Paying for sexual access to a woman's body is, in my opinion, rape.

There's plenty of men who have never and would never use prostitutes. You can dump this prize and find one of those instead.

Would totally put me off. It says too much about his attitude to women if he thinks it’s ok to buy them and also it’s just really pathetic.

To be blunt it just seems scummy, degenerate, cold and exploitative to me - it's just not the sort of man I'd want to have a relationship with.

It would nauseate me. The idea of a man walking up to a woman he does not know, whose language he may not speak, and offering her the equivalent of the price of a sandwich (here) so he can use her body as a wank sock makes me sick. Sorry.

That would put me right off! I wonder how old they were in Asia...

You’re gonna feel about this how you’re gonna feel. And nothing anyone else can say, from ‘omg he’s a rapist how can you be with him now’ to ‘I believe sex work between consenting adults is fine and it wouldn’t bother me’ will change that.

But as an aside, didn’t you both already get tested once you were serious and stopped using condoms (not that they protect against everything but they’re a valid barrier method for many STIs)? That’s been a firm rule in my relationships, when you first meet you use condoms but once it becomes serious if you want to switch to another non-condom method you both get a full STI screen first.

@MommaToBe2020 yes of course - getting tested is not even an issue in this instance - 100% nothing to worry about there.

You are so right that I will feel how I will feel. I think I need some more details from him on what and why etc as I'm thinking allsorts

I’d find this grim and to be honest I would struggle to ever forget about it.

My feelings would be : relationship over

consenting adults

I don't know about The European destinations he used prostitutes in, but in Asia - if it was somewhere like Thailand - there isn't really anything like a consenting adult; when you and your family are below the poverty line (no running water poverty line) and you're responsible for bringing in money for everyone Inc younger siblings, older people who can't work etc.
But it's ok cause they're just fuck dolls, besides and are naturally all 'dirty' and depraved (as a taxi driver kindly told me once).

@luckyescapetime I actually lived in Thailand for 18 months years ago so know what's possible over there age wise, but that is quite extreme. I had several mates while living there who worked in 'girly' bars (both trans and female) not everyone is under age or vunerable. I need to ask for more details but i'd imagine it would have been said lady approaching/harrassing him and his mate at a bar while they were drinking, no excuse but that's how it tends to happen

He did this before he met you so it's not directly impinged on your current relationship, distressing as it may be.

But next time he's abroad with the lads I'd be wondering, will he do it again? If the answer is 'yes' then you have a problem.

Does it matter what and why? He's bought a womans body to use for his own gratification. Personally I could never feel the same about someone who'd done that. And he's not only done it, but more than once. How do you feel about sex with him now? I could never sleep with him again once I'd found out, but of course that's just me.
I don't envy you, it's very hard to find out someone isn't quite who you thought they were.

I have to say - even typing that sentence "the destinations he used prostitutes in" made me realise how incompatible I find the words "used prostitutes" with a man I'm in a relationship with.

@Moralitym1n1 see my comment below - have you actually lived in Thailand or were you just a tourist? What you are saying does happen a lot, but trust me that is not the case all the time!!! I know this from the people I knew when I lived there.

Paying an unknown woman to offload in is utterly revolting. I’d really really struggle with this and be a bit broken-hearted to discover that about my DH.

I think the more you know, the worse it will be for you. There’s no right or wrong way to feel about this, not that you can control that in any case. It wouldn’t bother me too much. I’m a pragmatist and acknowledge that for some women it’s the only option, especially in some other cultures.

@Moralitym1n1 how do you know? Have you asked? The sex workers I know their partners and wives would defo never know!! That goes for the gay sex workers and the straight ones!!