Partner using prostitutes in the past

[MyUserNameIsTaken]

Hi there,

Wanted to get other people's views on this. Been with my partner for 3 years but have known him for 20 and thought I knew everything there was to know about him. Watching something on TV where someone a man was seeing a prostitute behind his wife's back, randomly asked "have you ever been to a prostitute?" expecting him to reply no and he says "yes", we are both very open liberal people but I have to admit I was expecting him to say no! He then says - once 25 years ago, another time about 10 years ago and then another time 7 years ago. All times were when he was on 'boys' holidays as it were in Europe and Asia.

I'm in no way a prude sexually - not in the slightest, and this was way in the past before we got together and he's been tested etc, but my reaction really shocked me - I was like "OMG that is SO SO SO disgusting!! I feel like I want to get tested!! You've put me right off you!" The last time he was on hol with a friend of his that I know really well (he says the friend didn't go) and that has turned my stomach as well and I feel like I can't look him in the eye now!

I have had friends in the past who were/are sex workers and as I say my reaction shocked me as I know its not always "girl trapped in world she has not control over and is made to have sex for money" BUT the reality is (esp in Asia) there is a chance they were being exploited - oh I just don't know. It's just made me feel a bit ill and a bit angry and I don't think I have the right to be - what do you all think?

I don’t think the majority of them are actually consenting to random men using and objectifying them, I think most of them feel they have no choice or are being forced.

Indeed.

“Would you prefer to work as a nurse, or trawl bars looking for seedy old men?”

“Hmm. I’ll have to give that one some thought.”

Another thing i'm struggling with is a mate of mine openly admitted to me a while back that her and her husband wanted a threesome and so hired an escort - I wasn't in the slightest bit shocked or disgusted about her telling me this. I'm kind of toying with my own double standards here over my own partners revelation - it's not the quite the same though is it?

As another person has said - once 25 years ago maybe but THREE times? It's rank! I just don't really know what to do now tbh.

in England where we have a social security net and jobs are available that pay a living wage

Though there are still trafficked and exploited sex workers.

Moreover many sex workers are drug dependant; did you notice how many of the beautiful young women the Ipswich serial killer murdered were drug addicts? All, I think.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

I’d be really struggling with the fact that he wasn’t the person I thought he was. It would be the end of it for me because I have very specific views and boundaries when it comes to the objectification of women which I have always been upfront about.

how does anyone feel about this vs all their husbands watching porn for gratification (which they all will) I was thinking about this earlier - is this OK?

This isn’t ok in my relationship either and no not all men watch porn. Many men see what’s wrong with it too.

You don’t have to be ok with any of it.

@MommaToBe2020 Thanks for all your sensible replies on this thread, what you've said has really helped

If I’d gone through with sex work, for financial reasons, I certainly wouldn’t have considered it to be rape. In some circumstances it absolutely is. But too simplistic to say it’s rape across the board.

I will say that men visiting sex workers is much more common than people realise and just because you don’t know your OH has done something like this before doesn’t mean he hasn’t. I know five men amongst my friends/acquaintances alone, not just people I’ve built strong friendships with (so I’m not somehow choosing men with this history before someone claims that) but people I’ve come across in all different areas of life too. Obviously it’s not something most people publicise. Just don’t see it as a binary ‘disgusting low life men who do and men who don’t’ as you have no idea whether your partner or best friend or son is in either category. Maybe if you found out they did you would see them as disgusting. But maybe finding out a man has visited a sex worker once ten years ago wouldn’t be enough to toss him on the scrap heap.

I found out this year that my boyfriend had visited sex workers in the past, before we were together. I felt really horrified at first, like I didn't know him at all. But we talked about it and he was happy to answer any questions I had. And while I don't like that it's true, I understand and I've let it go. He was chronically single for years and years and although he tried to date, he had no luck at all. He was lonely for physical touch and intimacy. So he paid for sex, maybe once a year. Always in the UK. It's his past. I have no problem with sex work and support those who want to do it. I can't be a hypocrite and be against it when it's my partner. He's respectful of women (you may disagree, but I think people who pay for sex can be respectful of women, it's not just awful creeps). He's respectful of me, he's a kind and caring person. If he were a misogynist or there were any red flags on that count I would not feel this way. But I trust him and that he's a good guy.

I think I might have felt differently if he was going abroad where things are a bit Gary Glitter/sex tourist. That feels shadier to me.

My view is that you can get through this as long as you trust him, and as long as you can talk about it with him.

No problem OP. It’s an emotive and divisive topic. I wish you luck in moving forward with whatever path you choose to take :)

I think paying a woman to politely rape her is the highest act of misogyny. I would leave because I wouldn't be able to, nor want to continue the relationship.

I expect you won't be staying with him OP? Because he knows how easy it is to get a paid-for fuck, and his conscience is fine with it. This means it's not unlikely that he'll do it again.

Don’t start making excuses OP and doubting your own mind.
He has told you who he is.
Now show him who you are and cut him loose.
Comparing it to this and that is just wasted energy. It’s understandable that there’s part of you that would try and minimise it, but if you do then you’re allowing him to drag you down to his level. You can do so much better, you really can. Don’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. At least now you know.

@MommaToBe2020 exactly how I normally think (knowing girls and trans people who work in the industry) hence why I'm so taken aback at my double standards!

If it had been a one off in like Amsterdam when they were a teen/early twenties maybe I could have let it go but three times and as a grown man?! Yuck, I'd be repulsed. I'd wonder who the heck I'd married and have serious doubts as to his moral fibre after that. Not even sure if I could stay with him tbh.

I find it disgusting and bizarre when men seem to justify using prostitutes by only going to one outside their own country. The fact that they think it's 'different' or somehow ok because the women were Asian or Eastern European makes it worse to me. The whole idea that men think going to a foreign country somehow makes it acceptable or less sleazy creeps me out. I lived in Cambodia for 3 years and heard men say they'd never go to a prostitute in the UK because theyŕe not that type of bloke, but boasted about using them in Asia. Wtf? So you're a sleazy RACIST twat because you somehow think it's different to paying at home?

I’m sorry but this would be a deal breaker for me. I get that it’s in the past, but it would make me question what sort of man he actually was.

Just don’t see it as a binary ‘disgusting low life men who do and men who don’t’ as you have no idea whether your partner or best friend or son is in either category.

But it is binary - you've either used a prostitute (and seen it as ok) or you haven't.

I do know if my partner has; he hasn't. I dont have a male best friend. I don't have a son but he'd know if he did it, it would deeply disappoint me and affect my feelings for him.

@FuckPoliteness omg thank you for this post as you literally sound like me which is refreshing. I think it's just the shock of it - he is the loveliest most caring man on earth, absolutely devoted to any woman when in a relationship (i've known him 20 years so know how he is with women) he's not a monster. I think what you say has made me realise I do need to ask more questions about it , understand why/what/how etc.

i'm pretty liberal sexually so prob not as shocked by this as some (as I've already said - eyes wide open to the sex industry from friends who work in it) and 100% can trust him - I have no issues there. He is painfully honest about all things tbh.

It’s probably a bit of a NIMBY thing OP. It’s fine to not judge what other people do with their lives but you wouldn’t want it to be part of your life. It is part of your life now because you asked and he answered. It’s ok to feel like that.

Also your viewpoint is going to be more .. "openminded" because you've considered becoming a sex worker (which is quite a step/libe-, cross in itself).

*line-cross

OMG @BettysLeftTentacle I'm a 100% f*cking NIMBY 🤣 you are so right... yes that exactly what this is.

Where would you draw the line OP? What if he revealed he’d raped someone? Would that do it, or would your mind start trying to excuse it? Or what if he murdered someone or had a history of paedophilia. How far would you bend to “be ok” with it?

It’s probably the surprise OP. If he’d told you at the start then you’d have taken it into consideration when deciding to date him and just known it was part of his past before getting serious. Three years in is deep. At the same time I don’t think it’s something you’re required to spontaneously tell a new partner if it doesn’t come up. And I think it’s a good sign that he told you the truth as soon as you asked. He could easily have lied and you’d be none the wiser, but he told you the truth despite the risks of retribution which shows a degree of honesty. I reckon people will think that’s a low bar but given the easy alternative of just saying ‘no’ for an easy life, he was decent.

When people call all sex work rape it undermines the autonomy of women choosing sex work not under duress, and it plays down the very horrific experiences of women who are sex workers being actually raped. Being a sex worker doesn’t mean every paid transaction becomes rape, and I suspect most women who’ve worked as sex workers would bristle and strongly reject the idea that being raped has the same impact on their mental and physical safety as their day to day consensual interactions.

@Pa1oma not really the same is it? What an odd comparison

Being NIMBY doesn’t always make you a hypocrite OP. It certainly doesn’t in this case.