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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner using prostitutes in the past

185 replies

MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 16:04

Hi there,

Wanted to get other people's views on this. Been with my partner for 3 years but have known him for 20 and thought I knew everything there was to know about him. Watching something on TV where someone a man was seeing a prostitute behind his wife's back, randomly asked "have you ever been to a prostitute?" expecting him to reply no and he says "yes", we are both very open liberal people but I have to admit I was expecting him to say no! He then says - once 25 years ago, another time about 10 years ago and then another time 7 years ago. All times were when he was on 'boys' holidays as it were in Europe and Asia.

I'm in no way a prude sexually - not in the slightest, and this was way in the past before we got together and he's been tested etc, but my reaction really shocked me - I was like "OMG that is SO SO SO disgusting!! I feel like I want to get tested!! You've put me right off you!" The last time he was on hol with a friend of his that I know really well (he says the friend didn't go) and that has turned my stomach as well and I feel like I can't look him in the eye now!

I have had friends in the past who were/are sex workers and as I say my reaction shocked me as I know its not always "girl trapped in world she has not control over and is made to have sex for money" BUT the reality is (esp in Asia) there is a chance they were being exploited - oh I just don't know. It's just made me feel a bit ill and a bit angry and I don't think I have the right to be - what do you all think?

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 17:37

He was chronically single for years and years and although he tried to date, he had no luck at all. He was lonely for physical touch and intimacy. So he paid for sex, maybe once a year. Always in the UK

If this post is such a life line for you, let me just point out a few things.

Your partner did not (apparently) have trouble ever getting a gf.

Your partner did not do it in the UK. He did it in places where exploitation, desperation and vulnerability is ride.

He even did it when his mate abstained.

He was ok with his mate knowing he did it - have a feeling this posters partner did not let people know.

Original poster
MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 17:37

@MommaToBe2020 it's not only offensive to sex workers but highly patronising and shows how little people have an understanding of the industry

OP posts:
Original poster
MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 17:38

@BettysLeftTentacle I can't help how I feel even though it goes against what I normally say.

Great username btw!

OP posts:
MommaToBe2020 · 14/06/2019 17:38

True Moralitym1n1, you’re right, you’ve either used the services of a sex worker or you haven’t. I meant more that people have an idea in their head that there are ‘men like that’ who have and other men, and that they can know which group the men in their lives fall into. They can’t.

It’s also a grey area what you consider to be ‘using the services of a sex worker’, many would argue that the sex industry and sex workers aren’t just people having PIV or oral or manual sex for money. It can also include people working as strippers or nude dancers, people working on webcams in real time, people creating commercial pornography, people working on sex chat lines, people offering sexual services like dominatrixes without any physical sexual contact. So yes there are men and women who’ve never gone near any of the above. But the group that has is a hell of a lot larger than most people realise.

BettysLeftTentacle · 14/06/2019 17:40

Exactly. It’s also ok to change your mind about how you feel about something.

And Thankyou. It makes me chuckle every time I read it but then I do like to laugh at my own jokes Grin

ForalltheSaints · 14/06/2019 17:40

The OPs DP if the first time was aged 21, the last was aged 39. To me there is a world of difference between doing something at 21 when pressurised perhaps by so-called friends, and at 39. So the OP being offended is perfectly justified, as she would be if she ended the relationship.

Pa1oma · 14/06/2019 17:41

Well the comparison isn’t that odd. Prostitutes in other countries may well be underage. Wouid he have cared? Wouid he have even bothered to check their circumstances it hie they came to be there? No, because his own needs allow for the type of cognitive dissonance you would need to use a woman or girl in this way. Paedophiles often don’t think they’re doing anything particularly wrong either. Or rapists.

MommaToBe2020 · 14/06/2019 17:41

And yeah, my view is more open minded in comparison to some other views. I make no bones about that. And I’m not trying to persuade anyone else to share the same views, just offering mine. It does sound like OP may have similar views and is initially shocked at this revelation so I figure it’s helpful to her to read the views of those of us with this perspective as MN tends to attract almost entirely very anti-sex work posters.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 17:42

He was chronically single for years and years and although he tried to date, he had no luck at all. He was lonely for physical touch and intimacy. So he paid for sex, maybe once a year. Always in the UK

Also this poster and her partner comfort themselves with the belief that because it was in the UK, noone was being exploited, or damaged etc., Noone was vulnerable, but you don't know that, you never know that for sure.

Deathgrip · 14/06/2019 17:43

When I said that he was like "oi I was single!"
And my response would be “Yep, and you’re single again now”
Single or not, a misogynist is a misogynist.

Out of interest - how does anyone feel about this vs all their husbands watching porn for gratification (which they all will) I was thinking about this earlier - is this OK?

FFS, this again? Not all men watch porn. Not all men want to go to strip clubs. Definitely not all men go on multiple lads holidays where they fuck prostitutes.

When’s his next boys trip, OP?

MissLadyM · 14/06/2019 17:43

I'd be disgusted. The women in Asia are usually exploited. You shouldn't have asked if you didn't like the answer but I'd have a tough time getting passed it.

Original poster
MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 17:43

@MommaToBe2020 that's exactly it - I wasn't really asking people views on sex workers, I'm more toying with my own feelings of hypocrisy on how it's made me feel towards him @BettysLeftTentacle summed it up beautifully!

OP posts:
codemonkey · 14/06/2019 17:45

in England where we have a social security net and jobs are available that pay a living wage and so the chances of someone being purely economically coerced into it are smaller

You obviously missed the recent news item about how the government has accepted that women are being forced into prostitutuon by universal credit...

carla1983 · 14/06/2019 17:47

I ended a relationship over finding out my boyfriend had been to a prostitute several years before we met.

A man who pays some Asian woman (who lacks choices in life) to 'offload' as someone put it is taking advantage of her misfortune and is not seeing her as a human being. I saw it as sexually exploitative.

So to me that was a no-go unfortunately.

Genderwitched · 14/06/2019 17:50

I couldn't get over it, I'm sorry OP.

carla1983 · 14/06/2019 17:50

"I think paying a woman to politely rape her is the highest act of misogyny. I would leave because I wouldn't be able to, nor want to continue the relationship."

PositiveVibez · 14/06/2019 17:54

how does anyone feel about this vs all their husbands watching porn for gratification (which they all will)

They really really don't you know. I promise.

Some men have the ability to categorise women into 'wank sock material' and 'women who deserve respect'

There are some men who view women as all equal and deserving of being treated like a human and not a piece of meat.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/06/2019 17:55

he says the friend didn't go

So not really highly pressured or everyone doing it then... he just fancied it.

I don't think I could be okay with this. It's seedy and just not the type of trait that I'd want my partner to have.

Deathgrip · 14/06/2019 17:55

The fact that they think it's 'different' or somehow ok because the women were Asian or Eastern European makes it worse to me.

It’s because they don’t see them as human beings equal to their own.

Let that sink in for a minute.

I wouldn’t ever be able to have sex with him again without wondering how those young women felt and whether he gave a shit. It’s repugnant to me.

I understand why women feel this is their best or only option.

But to me, sex where consent is obtained by coercion absolutely is rape. Paying for it is absolutely coercion, do you think these women (girls?) would have had sex with him otherwise? I could not be with a man who could not only have sex in these circumstances, but enjoy it and climax. Vile.

You do realise that he and his mates chose these destinations on purpose?

Confusedbeetle · 14/06/2019 17:59

I wouldn't want to know any details. I applaud his honesty but that's all. I couldn't possibly be ok with it. Which is why my OH would probably lie

Missingstreetlife · 14/06/2019 18:21

Pornography also exploits. Expectation for people to do more extreme acts, risk their health.
Also promotes unhealthy attitude to sex, partners, especially women.
Interferes with loving relationship, can be addictive. Pressure on women to look and behave like porn star, men's needs over women's.
All the same arguments.
Not all men use porn. Some have respect for women in their lives and see other women/boys as like them, i.e. Human not meat

SignedUpJust4This · 14/06/2019 18:26

I couldn't be with a man who viewed a womans body as a transaction. This would disgust me. So what if he was single. Its exploitation.

I consider myself quite open minded and think legal brothels would make women safer and I do not judge a woman who becomes a prostitute but this 'boys will be boys' mentality that feeds the sex tourism trade is disgusting and we need to hold men to a higher standard.

Original poster
MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 18:29

Mmm don't agree with your last point sorry, and I did say anything about Eastern Europe?

Thailand was a 6 week backpacking thing, they weren't sex tourists off to Phuket

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 14/06/2019 18:36

absolutely devoted to any woman when in a relationship (i've known him 20 years so know how he is with women) he's not a monster

  1. You don't know what went on behind closed doors. Men who were violent, abusive, sexually violent, and/or murdered their partners/ children have all been described the exact same way by those around them. You cannot vouch for how he treated other people when you weren't there, you only know the public face of those relationships - which could be the same as it was in private or it could have been an act.
  1. There's no such thing as monsters. Rapists aren't monsters, they're your charming best friend, the pillar of your community, your favourite celebrity, the talented sportsman, your helpful neighbour, your gentle family member...
  1. Even if your view is that not all people in the sex trade are vulnerable/being exploited, he had no possible way of knowing whether the person he was handing over money to have sex with was or was not being coerced or exploited etc. So he was happy to proceed either way.

I don't think it's hypocrisy to realise stances you thought were black and white are more nuanced, and that your view has changed now it hits closer to home than it did before and has forced you to confront a different perspective.

It's healthy.

If you knew people who didn't consider themselves to be being exploited then it makes sense it would have been easier for you in the past to focus on that niche, rather than those being coerced. You don't have that certainty anymore. Neither of you can ever know the women in point here weren't being coerced - he apparently isn't bothered by that, but you would appear to be deeply troubled by it.

carla1983 · 14/06/2019 18:38

OP, I'm not sure he is the caring person you think he is if he uses prostitutes without a second thought. I've worked with former sex workers, and used to be an interpreter for the police in an overseas country, and have been there in the aftermath of brothel raids. Most of these women who are sex workers are doing it for financial reasons and some are trafficked or illegal immigrants and have no way out. The happy hooker idea is largely a myth in my experience.

The fact that a person can sleep with someone who has possibly been forced into it by a pimp (i.e. a trafficked woman) and then not give it a second thought and do it more than once is a big red flag for this person's character. Of course your partner won't know for sure, but he's taking the risk that he's effectively paying to rape someone because he wants to get off.