Partner using prostitutes in the past

[MyUserNameIsTaken]

Hi there,

Wanted to get other people's views on this. Been with my partner for 3 years but have known him for 20 and thought I knew everything there was to know about him. Watching something on TV where someone a man was seeing a prostitute behind his wife's back, randomly asked "have you ever been to a prostitute?" expecting him to reply no and he says "yes", we are both very open liberal people but I have to admit I was expecting him to say no! He then says - once 25 years ago, another time about 10 years ago and then another time 7 years ago. All times were when he was on 'boys' holidays as it were in Europe and Asia.

I'm in no way a prude sexually - not in the slightest, and this was way in the past before we got together and he's been tested etc, but my reaction really shocked me - I was like "OMG that is SO SO SO disgusting!! I feel like I want to get tested!! You've put me right off you!" The last time he was on hol with a friend of his that I know really well (he says the friend didn't go) and that has turned my stomach as well and I feel like I can't look him in the eye now!

I have had friends in the past who were/are sex workers and as I say my reaction shocked me as I know its not always "girl trapped in world she has not control over and is made to have sex for money" BUT the reality is (esp in Asia) there is a chance they were being exploited - oh I just don't know. It's just made me feel a bit ill and a bit angry and I don't think I have the right to be - what do you all think?

My DH has been with prostitutes before we met, when he was a young bloke on 'lads' holidays, and I suspect he did during a single period in his early 30s

It used to pray on my mind but I'd forgotten about it until this thread. He wouldn't have even thought about the exploitation aspect of it, he only started opening his eyes properly when he met me!!

DH has been with prostitutes 30+ years ago when he was in the Army.
We didn't meet till our late 40's, started out as friends, then FWB, then married.

He told me about his past during our initial friendship. It doesn't bother me, I don't feel disgusted.

OP, I don't know why you started this thread. Are you just looking for validation from other misogynists (yes, sadly women can be misogynists too) that his behaviour was absolutely fine and dandy? Look, your moral compass is obviously telling you that it's totally fine for a man to pay for sex. So just let him off the hook and carry on as you were. Perhaps you are aware of some magic power that he has which enables him to look into a sex worker's mind and see whether she is one of your "happy whores" or whether she is one of the vast majority of prostitutes who are abused, coerced or poverty stricken. I don't believe in magic, so I'll just stick with the reality-grounded assessment that he didn't know the situation these women were in, and he didn't care. He didn't know whether the sex was consensual or whether he raped a woman who was trafficked, pimped or living in abject poverty. And if he didn't know it wasn't rape and did it anyway, then that means he was fine with it being rape.

MRA

Do you know, the same thing crossed my mind. All ship-shape apparently .

Pretty awful state of affairs that you seek out advice from other women regarding your partners sordid sex life and then defend him when given an opinion that you don’t like. You know it was wrong otherwise you would not be questioning his behaviour.

I wouldn’t mind betting that a lot of the people clutching their pearls have partners who have paid for sex but would never admit to it.

No pearl clutching here luv, I just think he's skeezy and it would put me off him. Using prostitutes is a line, once crossed, for me - that excludes a guy as relationship material.

And I've got a rather upfront dynamic with my partner, we certainly know each other warts and all, he said he never has (and why he hasn't) and I believe him.

This thread is a revelation of self righteousness

I have no interest in self righteousness. I do however know I would not choose a man who paid to obtain "consent". Why a woman want to be with a man who can easily and without conscience fuck a woman who is repulsed by them? I cannot imagine a less sexy thing than paying a man to pretend he thought I was awesome and then have sex with me.

To all the women(?) saying if they fucked for coin it wouldn't feel like rape - read Rachel Moran's book. It did feel like rape to her. PTSD is more common for prostituted women than for soldiers who have returned from enemy lines. What kind of man would be down with traumatising a woman in that way? Read some of the prostitute review sites, at best they don't care, at worse enjoy the womans misery. I was going to post an example, but I didn't want to horrify anyone. If you have a strong stomach, it's here

I wouldn’t mind betting that a lot of the people clutching their pearls have partners who have paid for sex but would never admit to it.

Well, that’s just something I can’t control and a risk I have to take but I’d like to think that I did well enough to pick a guy that fits in with my morals and boundaries. If I did find out DH had lied by omission or otherwise, that would be the end of us. I set a high bar - there’s nothing wrong or pearl clutchy about that.

I don’t feel I need to change who I am to be cool with things I find disturbing and morally wrong. It’s a bit sad that OP clearly feels she needs to. Being a ‘cool wife’ when you feel otherwise can only send you on a hiding to nothing.

I’m one of the women who said if I’d gone through with sex work I wouldn’t have considered it rape, Spam, and yes I am indeed a woman. I was the one who decided it was a way to earn a lot of money fast, who bought a burner phone, took pictures for a website, uploaded them, messaged men back. I had my own reasons for deciding against it in the end (before I’d booked the hotel or made any firm bookings) and in retrospect I’m glad I did. But it wouldn’t for me have been rape. At the time I saw it as a choice between using my body stacking shelves in Asda for twenty hours for a sum of cash versus using my body having sex for an hour or two (with men i’d vetted and safety procedures in place) for the same sum of cash.

And yes I’m fully aware I didn’t go through with it so I can’t know how I’d have felt afterwards. I accept that. But still, that’s my experience for what it’s worth. I’d have seen a difference between what I had planned to do with consent versus entering the room and being raped by someone.

At the time I saw it as a choice between using my body stacking shelves in Asda for twenty hours for a sum of cash versus using my body having sex for an hour or two (with men i’d vetted and safety procedures in place) for the same sum of cash.

Well that's all fine and dandy (and you also had the safety net of a benefits system) .. the choices of Thai women (and perhaps Eastern? European women) are not the same as yours. And that's where op's partner chose to use prostitutes.

Which demonstrates not only his happiness with treating a woman like a commodity or sex object, but also exploitation women in poor, third world, deprived, desperate, non democratic countries. I understand gangs are involved in most European prostitution too. Gangs don't really have a habit of bring equal opportunity employers.

I couldn’t be with someone who paid a woman for sex.

It would be too easy for them to do it again because they justify it in their heads.

The fact he never told you in the early stages of your relationship is unfair and he knew you’d dump him if he revealed it back then. The truth is you wouldn’t have known unless you asked.

*being

I agree with you Morality as I’ve said earlier in the thread, that it’s very concerning and a whole different ball game he did this abroad and not in the U.K. my point was more in relation to posters stating that all sex work is rape.

You've never worked in the "industry", so how you can speak for women who have momma? You have no idea of the reality!

I’ve specifically stated I’m only speaking for myself. However I do know women personally who have been sex workers who’d bristle at the idea that what they do every day at work is ‘being raped’, but of course I’ll let them speak for themselves.

I'm talking to him about it tonight when the kids are at my sister's.

Just for bigger picture, we're also right in the middle of a house sale/purchase, with my 2 young kids included in that, so thanks for everyone's advice but please let's also all bear in mind that this is actual real life, not just a message on a forum. It's a bit more complex than just telling him to f*ck off see you, there's the door...

That would be a massive over reaction in any event. In the real world, I doubt anyone would show their spouse the door for an historic transgression that predated the relationship.

Well going by the majority of replies on this thread that's what most people would do. I'm really confused and came on here for people's thoughts as haven't slept for 3 nights worrying about what I should do. Thanks to those who have given their thoughts on how they'd feel as that's what I was asking for so I had a comparison. It feels like this thread has ended up decending into something entirely different now so I might bail tbh

You are not being unreasonable - I'd feel the same. It's really gross to think the person you're sleeping with was desperate enough to pay someone for it (and not just once as a drunken mistake, but on 3 separate occasions) and I sort of agree with @Springfern

It's entirely up to you to see how it sits with you. I'd struggle with a man who used a woman as a sex object, irrelevant that's how she's presenting herself really, this is about if you can view him the same way. Saying that you have two kids, I'd see if I could work through it with him but disgust is the first reaction I had.

Look, OP, most people aren’t you. It would be complete madness to make a major life changing decision based on what a load of randoms on the Internet SAY they’d do. Ignore the content of this thread and do what your heart and gut tell you. I’m damned if I’d fuck off my marriage and deprive my kids of their dad based on other people’s sensibilities.

"It would be complete madness to make a major life changing decision based on what a load of randoms on the Internet SAY they’d do.

I’m damned if I’d fuck off my marriage and deprive my kids of their dad based on other people’s sensibilities."

It isn't just what a load of randoms on the internet say they would do. It is what some of what some of them HAVE done. I dumped one guy over it and it was the right thing. From what I found out later, that was the very least of his problems as far as sex was concerned. Since then, I've met a couple of other lovely men who would not and could not use prostitutes.

I am concerned by a man who uses prostitutes in a third world country without a second thought for their welfare. Without any regret or contrition...3 times.

But having said that, don't make a decision based on other peoples' sensibilities. Do it based on your own. Take some time to work out how YOU really feel about the issue.

he is the loveliest most caring man on earth, absolutely devoted to any woman when in a relationship (i've known him 20 years so know how he is with women) he's not a monster

Gary Ridgeway (the Green river killer) was devoted to his wife and was a model husband : he also butchered 48 women when he was meant to be at work.

Ted Bundy was also devoted to his long term girlfriend, and treated her exceptionally well, despite killing 30 women.

Now, I'm not saying your Partner is like these men, but for goodness sake, there is obviously a completely different side to him, that you have never seen.

As for people saying that he used prostitutes before you, so it shouldn't matter....well, I'm speechless. What if he had raped someone before he met the Op? No big deal? What about murder?

Him using prostitutes says everything about him as a man, and as a human being. He is happy to pay women for sex, even though they are only doing it because he's paying them, he's not bothered that another man came inside her just 10 minutes ago, he's not bothered that she may well be vulnerable or abused, he is able to get an erection and shag someone who he can't even have a conversation with, much less any emotional connection. Any hole is a goal, basically. I can't see him being faithful long term. Imagine his Stag do.

I bet that is now a question you wished you had never asked. Is it is a positive he was so honest or a sign he thinks using prostitutes in foreign destinations is normal/acceptable?

I very much doubt he stopped to check/think during the transaction if each of those women/girls were vulnerable and/or of age (over 18) and consenting entirely of their own free will.

I have been with my dh for almost 30 years and I would be revolted by him if he told me this, I wouldn't be able to forget it once I knew , he wouldn't be the man I thought he was. The impact to our relationship would be significant and I would struggle to be intimate with him .