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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner using prostitutes in the past

185 replies

MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 16:04

Hi there,

Wanted to get other people's views on this. Been with my partner for 3 years but have known him for 20 and thought I knew everything there was to know about him. Watching something on TV where someone a man was seeing a prostitute behind his wife's back, randomly asked "have you ever been to a prostitute?" expecting him to reply no and he says "yes", we are both very open liberal people but I have to admit I was expecting him to say no! He then says - once 25 years ago, another time about 10 years ago and then another time 7 years ago. All times were when he was on 'boys' holidays as it were in Europe and Asia.

I'm in no way a prude sexually - not in the slightest, and this was way in the past before we got together and he's been tested etc, but my reaction really shocked me - I was like "OMG that is SO SO SO disgusting!! I feel like I want to get tested!! You've put me right off you!" The last time he was on hol with a friend of his that I know really well (he says the friend didn't go) and that has turned my stomach as well and I feel like I can't look him in the eye now!

I have had friends in the past who were/are sex workers and as I say my reaction shocked me as I know its not always "girl trapped in world she has not control over and is made to have sex for money" BUT the reality is (esp in Asia) there is a chance they were being exploited - oh I just don't know. It's just made me feel a bit ill and a bit angry and I don't think I have the right to be - what do you all think?

OP posts:

MommaToBe2020 · 14/06/2019 16:57

Sorry, I read your ‘OMG I need testing’ and somehow skipped the previous sentence saying he has been! My mistake.

I’ve had relationships with men who’ve used sex workers previously and although I would probably feel differently now I’m a bit older it never bothered me or put me off them, perhaps because at one point I considered sex work myself but didn’t go through with it so it didn’t feel way out of my life experience.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 16:58

not everyone is under age or vunerable.

Whether they're underage or not, sorry but they are vulnerable - by dint of the economic and social situation there.

Or did you not observe the same open sewer smell, starving dogs, child beggars, dirt cheap prices compared to the west etc as me. There's a reason Thailand is one of the countries paedophiles go to abuse children.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 16:58

It sounds a bit like you are okay with this, OP.

AyBeeCee10 · 14/06/2019 16:59

He used them with quite large gaps in time - that would tell me that he is a specific type of disgusting man. It wasn't a once off in his youth(not that its better), it just shows that with age and maturity he is still as disgusting now as he was then. I would run far, far away from this man.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 17:00

how do you know? Have you asked? The sex workers I know their partners and wives would defo never know!! That goes for the gay sex workers and the straight ones!!

How do I know what?

Sorry you've lost me.

Original poster

MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 17:00

@TenDays I knwo you are right but it's really made me feel ill. And yes I thought that re the holiday thing. When I said that he was like "oi I was single!"

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 14/06/2019 17:00

Whether they are underage or vulnerable or not it doesn't make a difference. He still paid a woman for sex. I'd be disgusted at DH if he did this. Once, 25 years ago, I might be able to accept but for him to have done it twice more since? No.

AbelMancwitch · 14/06/2019 17:00

Eurgh. That would kill a relationship for me- I find men who do this, who have the attitude towards women that allows them to do this, absolutely revolting and pathetic. I also lived in Thailand for a year and I have nothing but contempt for the grotty men you see over there thinking they’re god’s gift with very young women/girls hanging off them for a few of dollars. I agree with Springfern above, paying for sex = rape.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 17:01

It’s also quite disturbing that he only did this abroad. Why?

Ringdonna · 14/06/2019 17:03

He is an idiot for revealing it, also you sound jealous....

Original poster

MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 17:03

@MommaToBe2020 ahh no worries!

Yeah I also I think that's the thing - I didn't think anything liek that would bother me, but it kind of does!

Out of interest - how does anyone feel about this vs all their husbands watching porn for gratification (which they all will) I was thinking about this earlier - is this OK?

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 17:05

He did this before he met you so it's not directly impinged on your current relationship

It impinges on your relationship when you find out your partner is morally bereft.

Even if he did it in a meathead, unthinking, it's there so why not way - that means you're with an unthinking meathead.

Did he say he even did it when his mate/travel partner didn't - I mean ..

Original poster

MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 17:06

@Moralitym1n1 of course I lived in Bangkok and also 2 of the small islands

OP posts:

theWarOnPeace · 14/06/2019 17:07

There is no such thing as a sex worker that isn’t vulnerable.

You’re already getting into making excuses mode. It never takes long. People don’t want to rock the boat so they start justifying horrible and disgusting things so that they don’t have to deal with it head on. Even you saying that they (the prostitutes) would have been harassing him in a bar, shows the direction your thought process is going.

BTW I am very familiar with Thailand and the sex trade. I can make no assumptions either way about the reasons for the prostitute choosing a life of sex work, but they can’t be good reasons.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 17:08

Out of interest - how does anyone feel about this vs all their husbands watching porn for gratification (which they all will) I was thinking about this earlier - is this OK?

There are many issues with the porn industry, and depending on the type of porn he was watching it might well make me feel angry and disgusted.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 17:08

also you sound jealous....

I didn't not think she jealous, mate.

Disturbed, distressed, grossed out, freaked out maybe ..

What's to be jealous about; that he fucked someone else in the past? I think she probably knew and accepted that when she got together with after knowing him (Nd probably his partners) for 20 yrs.

Original poster

MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 17:08

@Moralitym1n1 I know right - it's either disgusting that he did when his mate didn't OR he's talking shite as I know his mate and the girl he is with now VERY well so doesn't want to drop him in it (even though he was single at the time as well)

OP posts:

Pa1oma · 14/06/2019 17:09

How can you have any respect left for him OP?

For me, that would kill any feelings I had for him. Instantly.

There is a certain type of man who uses prostitutes and he is one of them.

What else do you need to know?

Original poster

MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 17:09

@Moralitym1n1 thanks for that - I thought the same. What an odd thing to say!!

OP posts:

Pinkmouse6 · 14/06/2019 17:10

I think it’s rape too. I don’t think the majority of them are actually consenting to random men using and objectifying them, I think most of them feel they have no choice or are being forced.

I would be disgusted too.

Original poster

MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 17:10

@theWarOnPeace I know you are so right re the excuses

OP posts:

codemonkey · 14/06/2019 17:11

Deal breaker for me I'm afraid. Once as a callow youth I could perhaps get my head around. But three times? He obviously sees nothing wrong with sex as transaction. I wouldn't want a man like that.

MommaToBe2020 · 14/06/2019 17:12

It’s okay, it’s a shock and a surprise and it’ll take a bit of time for it to sink in and for you to really know how you feel about this and whether you can move on from it. I must say from your measured replies and the fact you haven’t immediately decided to leave him it sounds like you’ll find a way through this.

You can’t punish someone for something they did before you, but you can judge their actions and decide whether in light of this new knowledge you wish to continue the relationship or not.

Personally if I found out someone had cheated in a past relationship I wouldn’t be able to move past that. But visiting a sex worker doesn’t involve any lying or betrayal and can be a transaction between two consenting adults who both benefit. Note I said ‘can be’, I agree with others it’s concerning he only did this in other countries rather than in England where we have a social security net and jobs are available that pay a living wage and so the chances of someone being purely economically coerced into it are smaller.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 17:13

of course I lived in Bangkok and also 2 of the small islands

So you know they are vulnerable because of the conditions in that country (full stop and v's the Westerners who go there with dollar/sterling spending power). I honestly can't see any sex workers there as not being vulnerable/exploited.

Claricethecat45 · 14/06/2019 17:13

PA1oma
There is a certain type of man who uses prostitutes and he is one of them.

Completely.
Please let him go- out of the door and far away from you

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