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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner using prostitutes in the past

185 replies

MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 16:04

Hi there,

Wanted to get other people's views on this. Been with my partner for 3 years but have known him for 20 and thought I knew everything there was to know about him. Watching something on TV where someone a man was seeing a prostitute behind his wife's back, randomly asked "have you ever been to a prostitute?" expecting him to reply no and he says "yes", we are both very open liberal people but I have to admit I was expecting him to say no! He then says - once 25 years ago, another time about 10 years ago and then another time 7 years ago. All times were when he was on 'boys' holidays as it were in Europe and Asia.

I'm in no way a prude sexually - not in the slightest, and this was way in the past before we got together and he's been tested etc, but my reaction really shocked me - I was like "OMG that is SO SO SO disgusting!! I feel like I want to get tested!! You've put me right off you!" The last time he was on hol with a friend of his that I know really well (he says the friend didn't go) and that has turned my stomach as well and I feel like I can't look him in the eye now!

I have had friends in the past who were/are sex workers and as I say my reaction shocked me as I know its not always "girl trapped in world she has not control over and is made to have sex for money" BUT the reality is (esp in Asia) there is a chance they were being exploited - oh I just don't know. It's just made me feel a bit ill and a bit angry and I don't think I have the right to be - what do you all think?

OP posts:
carla1983 · 15/06/2019 13:43

The other reason I feel that this sort of behaviour belies a lack of respect for women is because I've seen it.

When I was younger I was seeing a guy (now my ex) and I didn't like his friends, who I felt were trying to undermine our relationship and encourage my partner to see me as less than him. A couple of them were clearly MRA types who wouldn't stop going on about mens' rights and hated feminists. Another was very clearly embittered about his ex wife and always went on about how evil women were to my ex.

They went on a lads holiday together to Bulgaria. The ones in the friendship group that I had problems with picked up prostitutes and brought them back to their holiday apartment. My ex and another friend were left there to "look after the wallets" and wait it out while these men shagged Eastern European sex workers.

And before you say anything, I know my ex didn't partake.

When he and another friend told me about it, I found it interesting that the men in the friendship group I had already pegged as not liking women much had no compunctions about using prostitutes.

The ones I had already respect for and liked, didn't, and found it repulsive.

You will know how a man thinks about and sees women by their actions. Don't listen to what they say, listen to what they do.

PositiveVibez · 15/06/2019 13:59

This thread is a revelation of self righteousness

Fucking hell. So you're self-righteous if you think men shouldn't pay to use women as fuck holes!!!!!

Holy shit. If that's self-righteous, then yes. I'm as self-righteous as fuck!!!!

I assume the PP who made this comment would be more than happy for their daughters body to be used by men like a piece of meat!

Self fucking righteous indeed!

Huskylover1 · 15/06/2019 14:36

He hasn't even got the emotional depth to realise that most women would be horrified at him using prostitutes. Otherwise he would have lied.

theWarOnPeace · 15/06/2019 14:37

Have my first LOL Grin

Self-righteous and proud!

If it makes a person a pearl clutching twat to be disgusted about sexual exploitation - sign me up. I’ve said upthread about my Thai friend’s experience as a prostitute. I think the men who have used her like a fucking ragdoll over the years are complete scumbags. I genuinely think she’s got some kind of PTSD from it. She had zero choice. Not if she wanted her family to survive. Zero. Not a little bit. Not ‘she could have worked harder’, no benefits system, no education, no social services to support, no prospects and no way out.

Huskylover1 · 15/06/2019 14:40

In the real world, I doubt anyone would show their spouse the door for an historic transgression that predated the relationship

So you'd date a rapist then? As long as the rape pre-dated the relationship with you? Wow.

BrokenWing · 15/06/2019 16:39

In the real world, I doubt anyone would show their spouse the door for an historic transgression that predated the relationship

Our worlds must be very different. Most people I know would find a 52 year old man using foreign prostitutes in his mid 40's repulsive and a dealbreaker.

If he'd done it once, at say 19, and since grown and now realised the wider implications and shown remorse that's very different.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 15/06/2019 16:44

Momma2Be2020

I once considered being a nurse. Never applied for a nursing degree, but I considered it. Presumably I'm now qualified to opine on working conditions, and how I would have felt about violent patients, even though I've never spent a single day as a nurse?

Interesting that you're sure women in that life would "bristle" about it being viewed as rape, but it doesn't occur to you that they'd "bristle" at you regarding yourself as qualified to speak for them.

Ever look at those reviews on Punternet? Those are men describing committing rape and griping about the woman not smiling as they did it. It is horrific.

Teateaandmoretea · 15/06/2019 17:03

For me it would be about his attitude to prostitution now. I've had real issues with prostitution being basically sexual abuse for my whole adulthood. 20 years ago more people tended to think that it was acceptable than now/ we had top of the pops culture etc.

DH has always agreed with me, but many others ime didn't. What is acceptable has changed and for me people behaved in different ways at different times so I try to take that into account. If he thinks that what he did was wrong in retrospect that would be the main point for me.

carla1983 · 15/06/2019 17:06

Most of us, when we've made a poor choice that has led to pain in our lives (and that most people agree is a poor choice, like getting into prostitution) will get defensive. We will put up a front to the wider community about that choice. We're not going to say, poor me, I'm trapped, I can't believe I got myself into this situation, I feel beaten down. Instead pride kicks in.

Plus when traumatised, most of us don't even know we are, we just know that something isn't right with us and our mental health isn't good. We start drinking too much, we make self sabotaging choices, we live our lives out of fear and anxiety.

And we feel trapped because we feel our only other choice is to stack shelves in Asda and that just isn't going to pay the bills we now have. We tell ourselves that we need this job to survive in spite of how we feel about it.

Don't speak for how most sex workers feel if you've never been one or had direct experience working with them. Instead do some research into the actual lives of real sex workers. Rachel Moran's book is a great place to start.

It's also interesting to note that the people the OP knows in the sex industry are trans (so someone who was once a male.) We all know that men are able to compartmentalise sex better than us women (this is partly down to women releasing lots more oxytocin when they are touched and have sex...men don't, and so they don't feel the bonding effect as strongly as women.) Men who transition won't suddenly start releasing more oxytocin during sex like women do.

Plus the trans person in question is a dominatrix and may even have no personal contact/sex with the clients?

The OP also cites someone who is a stripper - again, not someone who is having sex for money.

So there is a spectrum here regarding what people are willing to do for money. And some sexual activities are clearly less harmful than others.

The OP's partner had sex with women in third world countries. It's not the same as whipping some dude who doesn't get to touch you. It's not quite the same as taking your clothes off for someone but not allowing them to touch you.

(I worked with former sex workers.)

Polyjuice · 15/06/2019 17:26

Totally agree with BrokenWing. One youthful transgression 25 years ago is one thing but 3 times, as recent as 7 years ago and in his mid 40s when a fully mature adult man who should know better?
Deal breaker for me I’m afraid. I couldn’t get past it.

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