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Original poster

Partner using prostitutes in the past

185 replies

MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 16:04

Hi there,

Wanted to get other people's views on this. Been with my partner for 3 years but have known him for 20 and thought I knew everything there was to know about him. Watching something on TV where someone a man was seeing a prostitute behind his wife's back, randomly asked "have you ever been to a prostitute?" expecting him to reply no and he says "yes", we are both very open liberal people but I have to admit I was expecting him to say no! He then says - once 25 years ago, another time about 10 years ago and then another time 7 years ago. All times were when he was on 'boys' holidays as it were in Europe and Asia.

I'm in no way a prude sexually - not in the slightest, and this was way in the past before we got together and he's been tested etc, but my reaction really shocked me - I was like "OMG that is SO SO SO disgusting!! I feel like I want to get tested!! You've put me right off you!" The last time he was on hol with a friend of his that I know really well (he says the friend didn't go) and that has turned my stomach as well and I feel like I can't look him in the eye now!

I have had friends in the past who were/are sex workers and as I say my reaction shocked me as I know its not always "girl trapped in world she has not control over and is made to have sex for money" BUT the reality is (esp in Asia) there is a chance they were being exploited - oh I just don't know. It's just made me feel a bit ill and a bit angry and I don't think I have the right to be - what do you all think?

OP posts:
Libbylove2015 · 14/06/2019 19:47

I've been in this situation in that an ex-partner (who you would never in a million years think would do 'that sort of thing') had visited a prostitute years before. I'm afraid I couldn't get past it and although I let it fester for a couple of months and broke it off on different grounds, if I am honest with myself it was the prostitute thing that did it.

I felt as though I had been cheated on - which obviously I hadn't as it was years ago, but cheated as in I felt I should have been told before I slept with him, because it was a fundamental part of his character that he hid from me.

theWarOnPeace · 14/06/2019 19:48

carla1983 yes that’s what I’m saying. The OP is just making excuses now. Next thing I’ll be hearing is ‘some of them like it, you know’, and of course because the OP’s boyfriend had a backpack with him, he’s not a sex tourist, obvs.

theWarOnPeace · 14/06/2019 19:50

TheDarkPassenger because for some people, the idea that your partner would physically and sexually exploit a vulnerable woman makes them feel sick.

Nocontactgrief · 14/06/2019 19:50

It would be a deal-breaker for me too OP.

It's easy to dismiss these events but I would become fixated on the process & breaking down the decision. It's a series of decisions to overcome inhibitions.

He wanted sex
He had to seek someone out
He had to decide whether & why he wanted a particular woman
He had to overcome the internal inhibitors (why is she doing this, how old is she, etc) or to disregard this & just see her as a walking vagina.
He had to agree a price (internal questions about is this cost fair, what is a fair price to rent a woman's body)
He then had to become aroused by a woman who he knows that many men had used and/or abused before.
Etc, etc, etc.

My point (not particularly succinctly put) is that the process of renting a human body is a series of decisions & moral judgements that reflect the wider moral compass of that individual.

He can't know whether this woman was a horribly abused and exploited victim or a 'happy whore' (not possible because the latter is a fallacy). So he had to suspend his basic human decency of caring & decide his need for sex was more important than her.

He is not a nice guy, even if he is nice to you.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 19:50

I think those who suggest that sex workers “choose” (as in, they choose in such a way that makes their choice to pay them for sex moral) aren’t thinking about being the person bent over and penetrated by people who give not one shit about them, over and over, for years, nor what it would take to make them “choose” that way of making a living.

I accept that some people do this out of free choice - and think that is a bit odd - but I certainly do not accept that as a norm.

motherofcats81 · 14/06/2019 19:54

This thread is a revelation of self righteousness.

Wow, never knew not being cool with sexual exploitation because of the harm it causes to other people was "self righteous". I personally don't see it as making anyone righteous in any way, pretty low bar you've got there!

carla1983 · 14/06/2019 19:55

@AlsoHuman - not going to apologise for caring about vulnerable human beings.

Krisskrosskiss · 14/06/2019 19:55

Once when younger and he regrets it.. I might understand that.... but three times?! And in countries where women are more likely to have been exploited?.... it's just really icky. I'd be very worried about how he really feels about women and/or race.

theWarOnPeace · 14/06/2019 19:57

That’s my point too hercule about my friend’s story above. She had such bravado and certainly made out she didn’t give a shit, like she had a choice. She really didn’t have any other options other than letting her child and siblings go through the same cycle and living in squalor. I think if I had to sell my body repeatedly through the night to it for my siblings’ schooling, I’d tell people it was my choice too. What alternative is there? For her to accept how hellish it was would have made it completely unbearable.

Nocontactgrief · 14/06/2019 20:00

My horror at your partners actions is based on my experience working with girls in children's home.
I will never forget a thirteen year old girl who would abscond & was abused by men (not prostituted as she couldn't consent).
She looked around 19 years old and the guys using her body would have defended themselves by saying 'she looked over 18'.
But she wasn't. She was a child whose horrific abuse and trauma led her to this dreadful situation.
We & the police were chasing around cities & towns trying to find her, whilst some 'punter' was using her body for his satisfaction.
He can not have know the age & past of the women he used.

WhatsInAName19 · 14/06/2019 20:03

Of course not all sex workers are trafficked/coerced/destitute/addicted. But it's an established fact that the percentage of sex workers who come from backgrounds involving abuse, poverty, substance addiction, homelessness etc vastly outstrips the percentage within the general population. An awful lot of sex workers are desperate people doing things that they DO NOT want to do because they are trafficked, they need money for food and warmth, or they have an addiction. The point that "not all prostitutes are unhappy" is kind of irrelevant, because how would a man know? How do the men who pay women for sex know whether this particular woman is a sex worker by free choice or not? They don't. It's completely impossible to verify either way. So in reality, they just don't care. They know that the women they are paying might well be under the control of a violent pimp, or may be addicted or may be homeless. They can't guarantee otherwise. But they believe their desire to stick their dick in a woman is more important. It is categorically not possible for a man who pays for sex to be respectful of women. Every man who pays for sex is a misogynist, without exception.

The corny upthread that refers to a man who was "chronically single" for a long time which is his excuse for buying sex annually is extremely troubling because it implies that it is a man's right to have sex. It's not. Nobody has a right to sex, because by extension that means that not everyone has the right to refuse sex. It's a shame he was single if he wanted a girlfriend, but he wasn't owed "intimate touching" or whatever phrase it was that was used. It's a fucking pathetic excuse for using a woman as if she were an object for him to ejaculate into.

In short, if I found this out about my partner the relationship would be over immediately and without further discussion. There is no excuse or reason to pay a woman for sex, other than you are a misogynistic piece of shit who thinks women are there for your sexual gratification and your orgasms are more important than women's safety and wellbeing.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 20:16

theWarOnPeace

I totally agree. I understand that some women might find being a prostitute more fun than - say - a job in Tesco, but I imagine most women who do it so because a) they are coerced b) their economic needs can’t be met by a job in Tesco or c) they are so damaged by previous abuse, it doesn’t seem that bad to them.

I can’t imagine being married to any man who hadn’t thought of those things before sticking his cock in a stranger.

Original poster
MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 20:17

One of my best friends is a trans dominatrix and very happy doing so, another friend of mine is a stripper also very happily so!

When I lived in Thailand it was a small island and yeah was good friends with my of the girls from the girls bars there. One was setting her business up with the money she made off the tourists. She hated anyone called them 'dumb' or stupid men.

Any other questions?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 20:21

OMG judgy! He's 52!!

Had children with his 1st partner while quite young (like early 20's) and then had his daughter with his 2nd long term partner in his late 30's!

What's that got to do.with anything?!! Totally normal in modern life

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 14/06/2019 20:24

I wouldn't be rethinking the relationship. It's not the oldest profession for nothing and pretty naive to think it's only some 'other kind of men' who have used them. I could understand the situations in which he used them and it's not like it was a regular habit. As long as it's way in the past, I'd forget about it and not overthink.

Original poster
MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 20:24

Food for thought here for sure

OP posts:
carla1983 · 14/06/2019 20:27

OP:

It seems you think prostitution is acceptable, so why not go on your merry way and forget about it. We all have different values and priorities.

theWarOnPeace · 14/06/2019 20:27

OMG judgy! He's 52!!

Who was judging his age or previous marital status. The question was, were all these sex holidays while he was in between those relationships?

And yeah, I’m judging him.

Alsohuman · 14/06/2019 20:31

I wouldn’t mind betting that a lot of the people clutching their pearls have partners who have paid for sex but would never admit to it.

Original poster
MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 20:31

Yes they were when he was single as already posted

OP posts:
Original poster
MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 20:31

clutching pearls 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 14/06/2019 20:34

I wouldn’t mind betting that a lot of the people clutching their pearls have partners who have paid for sex but would never admit to it.

Yes, of course, because anybody who thinks that paying for sex is immoral is an uptight prude and there's absolutely no such thing as a man who agrees with them Hmm

carla1983 · 14/06/2019 20:36

My partner admitted it to me, and we broke up partly as a result , but mostly because he had issues with sex.

Men who trust you will admit it if you don't appear to be clutching your pearls and ask casually. And you can suss out the ones who do engage in these sorts of behaviour. They'll show other signs they have issues with women.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 20:38

MRA

carla1983 · 14/06/2019 20:41

Yup. The sorts of men who won't stop talking about Jordan Peterson, mens' custody issues, have weird issues with single mothers, go on about false rape accusations, and call scantily clad women sluts. They tend to use prostitutes perhaps because no one else will have sex with them and also because they don't like women.