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Original poster

Partner using prostitutes in the past

185 replies

MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 16:04

Hi there,

Wanted to get other people's views on this. Been with my partner for 3 years but have known him for 20 and thought I knew everything there was to know about him. Watching something on TV where someone a man was seeing a prostitute behind his wife's back, randomly asked "have you ever been to a prostitute?" expecting him to reply no and he says "yes", we are both very open liberal people but I have to admit I was expecting him to say no! He then says - once 25 years ago, another time about 10 years ago and then another time 7 years ago. All times were when he was on 'boys' holidays as it were in Europe and Asia.

I'm in no way a prude sexually - not in the slightest, and this was way in the past before we got together and he's been tested etc, but my reaction really shocked me - I was like "OMG that is SO SO SO disgusting!! I feel like I want to get tested!! You've put me right off you!" The last time he was on hol with a friend of his that I know really well (he says the friend didn't go) and that has turned my stomach as well and I feel like I can't look him in the eye now!

I have had friends in the past who were/are sex workers and as I say my reaction shocked me as I know its not always "girl trapped in world she has not control over and is made to have sex for money" BUT the reality is (esp in Asia) there is a chance they were being exploited - oh I just don't know. It's just made me feel a bit ill and a bit angry and I don't think I have the right to be - what do you all think?

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 18:39

Thailand was a 6 week backpacking thing, they weren't sex tourists off to Phuket

Now come on, are we splitting hairs over whether you go to Thailand as an intentional sex tourist or opportunistically become a sex tourist while there.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 18:40

The bottom line is that you stuck your dick in a vulnerable, exploited Thai woman and paid her a few pounds.

oneforthepain · 14/06/2019 18:41

Thailand was a 6 week backpacking thing, they weren't sex tourists off to Phuket

If they both engaged in the same behaviour, what's the difference?

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 18:42

Plus he'd used prostitutes in Europe before then, hadn't he.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 18:44

Should add I presume Thai woman, could just as easily have been Thai girl.
We're they taking the prostitutes Id to an official government office to check their age. Smh

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 18:45

*Were

Theghosttrain · 14/06/2019 18:46

I would leave any man who thought it was acceptable to purchase a woman's body.

BogglesGoggles · 14/06/2019 18:46

That’s really gross. Sleeping with someone who will only have sex with you for money is an outright perversion surely? An emotionally healthy person with normal levels of self esteem, respect for others, morality etc just wouldn’t be able to enjoy that.

carla1983 · 14/06/2019 18:47

I don't think it matters where it took place, or whether he intended to.

The point is, he did it.

How could you have sex with someone knowing that if they weren't paid, they wouldn't be doing it, and are in all likelihood not attracted to you. And that they may be forced into it.

The men I've known who have used prostitutes have turned out to be misogynists. There's a link there.

Springfern · 14/06/2019 18:48

I don't think it matters what country it's in or whether the woman is desperate, homeless and drug addicted or not. Give ANY prostitute ANYWHERE the choice of 1. Take the money and leave or 2. Take the money and stay for the sex, all of them would chose 2. Therefore it can never be a truely free choice for the woman(or she'd be doing it for free right). Sex without free choice is rape

U2HasTheEdge · 14/06/2019 18:52

Complete deal breaker here.

Disgusting.

motherofcats81 · 14/06/2019 18:58

I agree that it is not rape in all circumstances but if a girl is coerced or sex trafficked then it is. And the thing is, the guy most likely wouldn't know.

In many parts of the world, including parts of Europe, up to 95 percent of the women working in prostitution are trafficked. I've worked on this in a professional capacity.

Don't assume that just because some women choose it and it wouldn't be abuse or because the people you know who do it or have considered doing it aren't in this situation, that isn't the reality for a huge number, particularly in certain places.

Original poster
MyUserNameIsTaken · 14/06/2019 19:00

Well I do know one of them (one of his exes) as she was a a friend when they were together 15 years ago and still is a friend today. They have a child together and are more very friendly as co parents, not the behaviour of someone who has been the victim of a partners violence.

His 1st partner who he had 3 children with (when they were both quite young), he also shares the same kind.of relationship... A very good one.

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 14/06/2019 19:10

Yes you know his exes or what have you, but because he didn’t treat them like shit.... it excuses his exploitation of women? So he’s had at least two different long term relationships with children involved. Did he see the various prostitutes when between wives or what?

SunniDay · 14/06/2019 19:13

People have a past. People have made mistakes and people have done things they regret. How would you feel if your partner dug out something from you (perhaps you cheated on an ex/ took some drugs/ committed a crime) and then went with the "I can't be with someone who ....."

You are with the man he is now. Does he understand the exploitation of some and would make a different choice now ?

There are limits of course but this man is not a murderer!

carla1983 · 14/06/2019 19:18

He did it 3 times. That's not a one off mistake i.e. being unfaithful once or taking drugs once.

It's a decision made, 3 times over, to exploit another vulnerable human being to get his rocks off.

I've been in these brothels in a professional capacity (interpreter for the police). It's very obvious the poverty and the vulnerability of these women in SE Asian countries.

At the very least, I'd want to see contrition to be able to move on from it and for him to be able to explain why it is wrong.

Skittlesss · 14/06/2019 19:21

He sounds like a right catch...

Hopefully you aren’t pregnant to him as well.

Skittlesss · 14/06/2019 19:22

You keep saying how sexually liberal you are... this has bugger all to do with accepting his use of prostitutes.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 19:28

You keep saying how sexually liberal you are... this has bugger all to do with accepting his use of prostitutes.

God, this.

Like the woman he is penetrating is inanimate, and the only thing that matters is the fact that his choice is unorthodox. Hmm

comoagua · 14/06/2019 19:29

It’s accepting his use of sex workers he didn’t know had made a free choice. And it wasn’t a one off so nothing about the experience put him off.

Speaks of compartmentalising women, that you can apply different standards of decency based on who someone is.

Pa1oma · 14/06/2019 19:35

So he has one ex with 3 DC and another ex with another DC and over the years he’s been using prostitutes abroad as well?

What response did you think you were going to get here?

If you think accepting this makes you more “sexually liberated” than the average person, that’s worrying. Why would you believe that?

theWarOnPeace · 14/06/2019 19:37

What skittles said. Also you ‘know’ people who have worked as prostitutes and they’re alright are they? Are these people you met in Thailand?

Maybe you think you know them. I’ve had a friend for nearly twenty years, was a real good fun, crazy mate, up for anything, always laughing and smiling. Also, a prostitute. In my mind I always felt like she had autonomy. She was wild and strong, and talked about how she rinsed men for money and would cackle about what a stone cold bitch she was. One night, her and her sister who is about 12 years younger started arguing. My friend lost it. I mean had a complete meltdown and gave the sister what for. Friend was the eldest of many siblings from a very poor village. Left school in primary. Raped by the village elder and had a child at 14. Am uneducated eldest child from a poor family in Thailand, saddled with a baby as a teen has very few recourses to money. My friend had to support her poor farmer parents, the baby, and all the siblings. She put all of her siblings through private school and then university. Bought the parents a car, repaired their house, paid for the upkeep of her kid. All off the back of prostitution. This was all spewed out at the sister in a rage when the sister was rude to her. She detailed her level of hatred of herself, the things she’d been subjected to to buy her sister new trainers when she was a teen to keep up with her friends, what every penny sent home had cost her body. The detail about the ruination of her genitals makes me shiver. The sister knew of course, but seemed to have momentarily forgotten to appreciate the sacrifice, and the snub was too much for my friend. I never looked at her the same way again, her devil may care attitude was so tainted by pain.

TheDarkPassenger · 14/06/2019 19:44

I honestly can’t believe I’m the only person on here that it wouldn’t bother that much. As long as he deffo wasn’t doing it behind myself or anyone’s back. I’d be a bit Icked out but I wouldn’t throw a relationship away based on it, especially if he’d never treat me badly!

carla1983 · 14/06/2019 19:46

@theWaronPeace - I've worked with former sex workers. The vast majority of people who get into the sex industry have a history of trauma and/or abuse and feel forced into it, if not by someone else, then by life. Of course you won't see that part or hear about it, in the same way that we justify our choices and do not broadcast our painful traumas, but it is there. The psychological impact of sleeping with (often) disrespectful strangers many of whom will see you as worth less than other women, is significant. Sex workers are paid but they also pay, psychologically speaking.

See former sex worker Rachel Moran's book for a real insight into the sex industry

Alsohuman · 14/06/2019 19:46

You’re not the only one. This thread is a revelation of self righteousness.