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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

374 replies

Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 18:53

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 13/06/2019 18:56

I think you had no right to peek in his gifts and you should wait for his reaction before getting morally outraged on his behalf.

I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate

Hmm
Vulpine · 13/06/2019 18:56

It is petty yes but i am more surprised at the amount of gifts they buy each other

DirtyBlonde · 13/06/2019 18:57

Keep your beak out.

If his day is 'ruined' then he's being over-sensitive.

And it does sound as f he needs an alarm clock as the phone is not reliable.

What DC1 wants/needs most of all is her DDad, which means he needs to be awake so he can be reliable.

Brandnewshit · 13/06/2019 18:59

Is just stay out of it, if he chooses to buy her expensive gifts which is imo is odd, let him.
Let her buy what she wants.
My dc dad makes no effort to buy me even a card from dc.

ElizaPancakes · 13/06/2019 19:00

It is petty but your reaction isn't normal and neither is your partner's if he's bothered.

Also, just so you know, not getting a 'rest' any weekend at all is just parenting and doesn't make him some sort of superdad.

MamaOfBothTeams · 13/06/2019 19:00

You bought him 11 gifts to compensate? Hmm bit weird

Could it be a joke present?

MaximusHeadroom · 13/06/2019 19:01

Am I the only one who finds it rediculous that a couple who are no longer together are having to buy gifts for each other from their child for Mothers day and Fathers day?

I am married to my kids dad and we don't do that. The kids make something at school and that is enough.

Lazypuppy · 13/06/2019 19:01

YABU to have bought 11 fathers day gifts!!!

NerrSnerr · 13/06/2019 19:01

If his phone isn't a reliable alarm clock then one that works will be useful.

Working long hours then spending days off caring for your own children doesn't make him any better than any other dads out there- it's what parents do, none of us get a rest at the weekend.

pessimisticstateofperception · 13/06/2019 19:01

His alarm didn't go off for 2 mornings, which left her unable to go to work. I would likely be pissed off and passive aggressive too.

You sound very OTT and he sounds very oversensitive, bad combination because you're likely to wind each other up when you could just laugh it off. It is actually quite funny

Soontobe60 · 13/06/2019 19:01
  1. Eleven Father's Day gifts????
  2. He buys his ex loads of Mother's Day gifts???.
  3. Alarm clock- perfect gift for tardy dad 😂
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 13/06/2019 19:01

He bought her a pandora bracelet?

Sorry but the point needs to be well and truly missed here.

I think it's funny and apt that she got him an alarm clock.

Pandora bracelet is way over the top

lazyarse123 · 13/06/2019 19:01

I've not been in this situation but I think it's very strange that they exchange gifts at all as they are no longer a couple. But saying that I think the alarm clock is a horrible gift. I am sure the gifts you have got will more than make up for it. It's probably time to say no more gifts from either of them.

Justthetwothankyou · 13/06/2019 19:02

I'm amazed at all the gift giving!

MonkeyTrap · 13/06/2019 19:03

I don’t think it will spoil his day. I also think 11 gifts is excessive and there’s absolutely no need to compensate.

I have to be honest I have a SC and find it easier just not to do gifts. My DH and his ex being courteous to each other is hard work enough never mind throwing in gifts that are never really gratefully received because they’re not thoughtful.

Treaclesweet · 13/06/2019 19:04

He obviously does need an alarm clock anyway? Yes it's a little petty but could be taken as funny and useful. She had every right to be annoyed about him not collecting his daughter when he said he would. 11 gifts is mental.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/06/2019 19:04

YABU to "peek" at anything that's not your own, and you know you are.

As for the "huge amount" of child maintenance he pays how is that relevant and do you somehow feel he shouldn't pay it?

Good on him for buying nice gifts for the Mother of his child. Good on him for paying a reasonable amount of maintenance. Good on him for trying to keep things as positive as possible with the person he co-parents with. And good on his Ex for buying him the alarm clock he clearly needs.

ZenNudist · 13/06/2019 19:04

The 11 gufts was a joke right? Its fathers day, not Christmas.

Alarm sounds like a sensible pressie. Nice of her to get him anything. Im amazed hes still buying his ex jewellery for mothers day.

Also you come across as nuts, but im assuming thats because youre sleep deprived.

OldAndWornOut · 13/06/2019 19:04

Surely 'stuff' means sod all.
He has healthy children, so I'm sure the day won't be ruined.

Brandnewshit · 13/06/2019 19:05

My dc got a bit upset about not having anything to give my ex.
I give them a couple of quid to get a card and a token gift.
It really Irks me to do that, as he takes great pleasure in not returning the courtesy for the kids sake, not mine but Pandora bracelets, wtaf

Treaclesweet · 13/06/2019 19:06

His daughters mum will always be in your lives. You'd be wise to befriend her rather than looking to find fault.

tomatoplantproject · 13/06/2019 19:06

I'd have done the same. I'd be far more appreciative of not being made to be late for work rather than a couple of gifts.

I assume that the child maintenance was agreed between them as a fair contribution. You have had a child with a man who already has these commitments and should be supportive rather than snide. After all, you may be in the ex's position in a few years and being able to rely on regular money coming in and regular childcare so you are not late for work is really important.

Jeezoh · 13/06/2019 19:07

Dads who live with their kids full time don’t get weekends off, they spend their non working days with their children Hmm

What his ex chooses to buy is frankly none of your business

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/06/2019 19:08

I think it's very strange that they exchange gifts at all as they are no longer a couple.

I take DS1 shopping to buy Ex birthday, Christmas and Fathers Day gifts each year. I have done since he was tiny, I will do til he's an adult. On Mothers Day I take DS1 shopping for a gift for his Dad's DW. She's there when I'm not doing the Mum role, she loves and cherishes him, she opens her heart and her home to him every visit and, ultimately, she's part of DS1's family. The idea that Exes can't buy gifts for one another is odd.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 13/06/2019 19:09

Yeah I'd be more worried that he's buying her expensive presents really, I think you have bigger problems than an alarm clock