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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

374 replies

Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 18:53

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 13/06/2019 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crunchymum · 13/06/2019 19:10

How old is his DD?

IncrediblySadToo · 13/06/2019 19:11

Yes, of course dear, such a shame. Dreadful dreadful ex wife. You must be such an improvement.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/06/2019 19:11

All a bit weird. I’m sure it won’t ruin his day Hmm

My DH and his ex don’t get each other presents. Why would they? I sort father’s day/birthday/Christmas gifts for/with DH from my DSC.

Don’t look at things that aren’t for you.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/06/2019 19:12

How old is his DD?

I was wondering that, she sounds very young indeed. Hmm

AdaColeman · 13/06/2019 19:16

You have got at least another twenty years of sharing your life with this woman and her child if you and your partner stay together.
Try not to waste your emotional resources on criticism of her, it will only make you bitter.

Learn to pick your battles, and to let the rest wash over you.

Kungfupanda67 · 13/06/2019 19:17

I’m married to my children’s dad and haven’t got him a Father’s Day present, let alone 11 Hmm

BlueMerchant · 13/06/2019 19:19

Why did you check the bag? Was it make sure the gifts from his DD weren't as good or plenty as the gifts from your DS?
Maybe this alarm clock is a jokey gift? Hard to say as we don't know the ex's personality or humour. I wouldn't tell him I'd nosed in the bag though.

Postmanbear · 13/06/2019 19:21

I thought it was a funny gift!

myhamster · 13/06/2019 19:21

It does seem a bit petty but maybe his DD suggested it herself?

Seeing as maintenance is based on earnings, the more he earns the more he will pay, so he can't expect to work 60 hours a week and not pay much in CM.

I give DD a couple of quid and she buys her father some chocolates if she is going to see him anywhere near his birthday. Fathers Day she only gives him something if she sees him around then too. (It can be weeks/months between visits).

You are extremely OTT if you have bought 11 gifts and you had no business snooping at his present. All he needs to do is tell DD how wonderful the gift is and pleased he is and thats that.

LondonJax · 13/06/2019 19:22

I thought the idea of Father's or Mother's day was for the kids to have the chance to say thanks Dad (or Mum). Whose kids buy Pandora or 11 presents? Goes off mumbling completely missing the point...

MonkeyTrap · 13/06/2019 19:24

**You have got at least another twenty years of sharing your life with this woman and her child if you and your partner stay together.
Try not to waste your emotional resources on criticism of her, it will only make you bitter. **

Learn to pick your battles, and to let the rest wash over you.*

As a fellow SM I echo this. It’s exhausting being bitter (this is a timely reminder to myself to!!)

MrsxRocky · 13/06/2019 19:24

I think I'd be a bit unimpressed at my husband buying Pandora for his ex lol.
We don't do gifts for his ex and she doesn't for him. I buy his gifts from his kids and her partner buys stuff for her from the kids too.

pikapikachu · 13/06/2019 19:25

We need more information on the 11 (!!) gifts. You are making a bigger point than the xw with eleven gifts.

Child maintenance is a proportion of income so if he earns less he pays less, if he earns more he pays more. He's had a second child so can clearly afford it.

Even if he didn't have a child from his previous relationship, he has a child with you so wouldn't get a break anyway. Working and spending time off with kids is what most parents do?!

I sympathise that the alarm incident was once and totally innocent but I think that the alarm clock is reasonable. I wouldn't take it personally if my ex gave me one after I made the same mistake as your partner.

Faster · 13/06/2019 19:26

Quite frankly you all need to grow the fuck up.
Speaking as a step parent and a parent.

Sunshineface123 · 13/06/2019 19:27

Working long hours and the parenting at the weekend is standard for most people! I'd be pretty unimpressed with my partner buying ex a pandora bracelet! Card and box of chocs more than suffices. Her gift was funny and he probably really inconvenienced her on more than one occasion.

JagerPlease · 13/06/2019 19:27

If my ex didn't turn up to pick up our child because her alarm didn't go off and it stopped me going to work, I would be fuming. I might be tempted to buy her an alarm clock, not sure id quite have the cheek though

I don't think it's weird that they buy the gifts for mothers/fathers day if their DD is too young to choose herself, ex and I do this, but they are token gifts (candle/mug/chocolate/something DS has painted) rather than excessive Pandora jewellery!

You sound overly competitive with her tbh, and the fact that your DP has his child at the weekends and pays maintenance just makes him a dad, not some kind of superman. It's not a custody arrangement I'd choose (I would always want a mix of the fun weekends but with no downtime vs school/nursery days) but that's down to your DP and his ex

pikapikachu · 13/06/2019 19:28

I buy gifts for my ex (even though he doesn't for me) as the kids would be mortified to have nothing for him. It's token stuff (£5-£10 per child) certainly not Pandora. I think it's totally bizarre that he's going to that extent when some flowers picked by the child at the supermarket would suffice.

Bluerussian · 13/06/2019 19:29

People don't usually buy big things for Father's Day, a small gift and card is fine. An alarm clock will be useful.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/06/2019 19:31

Answer some questions OP. How old is his DD?

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/06/2019 19:31

Sounds like a good idea seems as she was late to work twice!
I think her job prospects are probably in jealousy more than his pride.

bananasonfire · 13/06/2019 19:33

He wasn't on time for his dd on more than one occasion and you think ex wife is unreasonable by buying an alarm clock?

JemSynergy · 13/06/2019 19:33

Was it petty or was it something she thought would be useful? I find it really hard to buy for men and probably would have used the fact he didn't have an alarm clock an opportunity to buy one.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 13/06/2019 19:33

Aside from all the other stuff if he is working 60 hours a week to pay maintenance and his own bills I hope you are also working and earning if you are wasting money on 11 Father’s Day presents.

Littlemisslists · 13/06/2019 19:35

He can obviously afford the maintenance, if you’ve got money to burn on 11 presents.
It’s not his first Father’s Day so maybe it’s not big deal