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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

374 replies

Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 18:53

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

OP posts:
TenSheets · 13/06/2019 19:51

When you say "on his only two days off we look after his daughter", that's just called normal life.

TooStressyTooMessy · 13/06/2019 19:52

But OP’s partner is now in a family with her and a new baby, in addition to having his older child. So no, I wouldn’t expect him to get a rest.

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 13/06/2019 19:55

I'm going against the grain here but I think you are getting a tough time with these responses unnecessarily. So many catty bitter replies.

agirlhasnonameX · 13/06/2019 19:55

But in separated families it’s actually pretty usual for parents to get respite.
So this means that a parent that doesn't see his child 5 days of the week should get a break because he chooses to work 60hrs and have another child?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/06/2019 19:56

But in separated families it’s actually pretty usual for parents to get respite.

Not really, (I don’t. At all. I know others who don’t) but if you’re looking at it like how the mum gets a rest for 2 days while the child is at dads, then dad gets 5 days of rest when child is at mums. So he’s doing all right on that score.

Itsallaswizz · 13/06/2019 19:56

She is his ex. For a reason.

Ideally she should have no power over him to make him feel bad - his ability as a father is for his child to judge, not her. He is being very (over?) generous with the mothers day gifts but it's a mistake to assume that she's put as much love into her gift. So she's making a dog - so what? Don't make a big deal out of it, laugh at it if you can. And get him to dial back on the gifts.

Banhaha · 13/06/2019 19:56

Maybe the clock is a subtle sign from her that he can stop with the expensive jewellery now?

pikapikachu · 13/06/2019 19:57

Lots of kids are not in contact with one of the parents.

Plus this is 2019, it's possible that mum is working or has other stuff to do at the weekends like visit elderly relatives who might need caring for.

I am divorced and one of my kids doesn't see his Dad. He's old enough that he doesn't need baby sitting but I'm not partying all night when his siblings visit their dad (24 hours a fortnight!!)

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 13/06/2019 19:58

Father's Day is another ridiculous made up day to make people buy things nobody wants. Socks and beer and football things etc.

agirlhasnonameX · 13/06/2019 19:59

I am divorced and one of my kids doesn't see his Dad.

This is my situation too, so no breaks here either.

nauseous5000 · 13/06/2019 19:59

Is this a serious post? There is so much that makes me think WTAF!

AutumnCrow · 13/06/2019 19:59

It sounds like they still love each other tbh

MonkeyTrap · 13/06/2019 20:00

Perhaps my situation is unique but when DSD is at my house for a fortnight once a year and a week or so on other occasions whilst Mum has a holiday with her BF I’ll remind myself how parents don’t get a rest.

I can see this isn’t reflective of the entire world, but in my limited experience often one parent gets respite whilst the other has the children.

Forgive me MN for I have sinned and my opinion is wrong.

AlansLeftMoob · 13/06/2019 20:00

You've bought your partner ELEVEN gifts to do what, exactly? Show him that you're much better than the meanie who gave him one bad one?

Christ alive.

Bedforaweek · 13/06/2019 20:00

Not sure why you are getting such a hard time.
You can buy your partner as many gifts from the children as you like to make them feel loved and appreciated.

I would not say anything to him.
But going forward you can encourage the daughter to just make her mum a card/picture for her special occasions. Perhaps a photo and frame if it’s very special occasion. I would not be spending another penny on her. Plus homemade stuff is so lovely anyway

KinderSurpriseBump · 13/06/2019 20:01

Sorry I found all this ridiculous, from looking at his present to buying 11 gifts to compensate. Also no reason for two separate people to still be buying gifts for each other (Pandora bracelet???Hmm). A homemade craft done with the child should be enough.
He's with you now, so you don't have to prove that you're better than his ex. Giving him presents it's not the way to do it anyway.

CruellaFeinberg · 13/06/2019 20:01

I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate

sorry what???????????????

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 13/06/2019 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MonkeyTrap · 13/06/2019 20:02

I’m sorry to those who don’t get a break. Me neither.

slipperywhensparticus · 13/06/2019 20:02

That's nice Brew

Kennehora · 13/06/2019 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oabiti · 13/06/2019 20:06

Please stop trying to compete with her. It does make you look desperate.

Obviously, they're not at loggerheads if they're buying each other gifts, are they?

ohnoessexgirl · 13/06/2019 20:07

Funny how people's exes always seem to be "nutters". A coincidence that.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/06/2019 20:07

Ok, I'll bite then. I'm fully with the ex and her very probably passive-agressive gift. I am the poster whose husband signed up for Online Dating after a 20 yr marriage, "Because me and DD wouldn't go owl-watching with him one night". Mucho threads on here at the time. Do you know what I bought him from teenage DD for Crimbo, after he had been thrown out? Yes, a furry owl. For company, you understand. Well, he liked owls so much... and it was from a charity shop.

awalkintheparka · 13/06/2019 20:08

Sorry but when you have kids you don't really get a break. And what is a huge amount of child maintenance? It's going to the child and you sound a bit bitter by that. I would be extremely pissed off if my ex was late not once, but twice. And he has a DD- he should play with her. It's not his first Father's Day. You are being slightly precious about the whole thing