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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

374 replies

Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 18:53

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

OP posts:
FancyAPint · 13/06/2019 20:32

YABU OP

The clock is funny and apt.

He should stop buying her unnecessary expensive gifts as if they were still together (not suggesting for one min that they are having an affair btw).

You can't control peoples actions but you can control how you react.

A little sense of humour goes a long way, life is much harder with it.

No parent gets a day off (unless they are a single parent in which case they have more than earned it).

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 13/06/2019 20:34

She sounds hilarious.
He sounds a bit crap.
You sound over sensitive and slightly odd with the 11 gifts.

Original poster
Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 20:35

@fancyapint thank you, really appreciate your honest and straight advice x

OP posts:
foreverhanging · 13/06/2019 20:35

@Highway yay!

Skyejuly · 13/06/2019 20:35

11 gifts from a 2/3mth old....

JQBased · 13/06/2019 20:36

That's weird the sheer volume of presents he bought her! Hmm

KnickyKnackyNooNoo · 13/06/2019 20:38

I love these threads:

OP: AIBU?
MUMSNET: yes YABU
OP: No I'm not!!
MUMSNET: YES YOU ARE!

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 13/06/2019 20:39

'she doesn't appreciate what he does do and makes digs at him when he is overtired doing lots of hours to keep that roof over their head.'

And does he appreciate her running herself ragged looking after his child? Obviously not when he doesn't go and get her on time. You can bet your life that she pays vastly more towards that child's upkeep than your partner does.

RosesandCuddles · 13/06/2019 20:41

That's hardly a horrible gift from his ex - I could think of much worse a typical ex might give. Anyway, regardless of whether the not getting up on time was an honest mistake or not, to the other person, they'll most likely just see it as an excuse (I'm sure you would do if you were in her position) - in fact, most people would even be annoyed at their partner for doing it, let alone an ex. It's a fairly jokey and also practical gift and certainly not something to get very upset about (esp as he was once late even if not his fault directly).

I totally agree with @Soontobe60 to be honest!

boobirdblue · 13/06/2019 20:41

Stop spending money on shite and he may be able to work less!

Original poster
Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 20:42

If you read all of the comments you will see that the one person who didn't accuse me of being crazy or imply I was a horrible person was thanked for their honesty . They said I was being unreasonable without being unkind! Apparently grown ass women can't do that.

OP posts:
scubadive · 13/06/2019 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 13/06/2019 20:47

It’s nice that he buys ex gifts and is a good message to send to kid but the amount of gifts is he should give similarto what she gives.
Your gifts to him are v v ott
Can he do a couple of evening rather than a day so he gets a day off?
A back up alarm clock is not bad thing hopefully he will laugh it off

Original poster
Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 20:50

@Spongebobjudgeypants I have only just seen the comment about the affair and I'm sorry to hear that.. but this is not what happened here. I'm not the 'other woman' here and he's not a cheat. I can appreciate how hurt you will have been over something like that however in this instance they split up simply because he wasn't happy.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/06/2019 20:51

I didn't mean that you were Alau, I was just saying I had some sympathy for the sarcasm Grin

Frankola · 13/06/2019 20:52

@crustycrab I think OP has said the kids wont be together and see presents, so she isn't being cruel about having SD watch him open 11 gifts from their sibling.

I'm a little confused about your comment "he must be doing well for himself". So what if he has a good job and is making good money? I'm not sure what bearing that has on Ops question?

Those are the kind of comments that I referred to as being nasty.

ArfursSixpences · 13/06/2019 20:55

Americans. What are they like?

bigfatmoggy · 13/06/2019 20:56

It's weird to buy presents for your ex! It's not weird to buy presents 'from your joint child' until they are old enough to buy them themselves. But do people really buy presents (hate the word 'gifts'...) for mothers day and fathers day? Homemade cards absolutely, maybe a few flowers from the garden or even a shop, or some chocs - or a jokey gimmick. But really? I can't believe people are so sucked into this commercial rubbish Hmm!

Antigon · 13/06/2019 20:57

I just feel a bit sorry for him because he pays quite a lot of extra money so that his ex can keep her 4 bed house when there is only two of them living there.

So he’s working 9am - 9pm so she can live in a 4 bedroom house? Shock

She has one child, she does NOT need a 4 bed house. Their child is only 5, she can be moved to a 2 bed property or his Ed can fund the 4 bed house.

How much maintenance is your DP paying?

mummmy2017 · 13/06/2019 20:58

Make joke of it and have a laugh .
Nothing takes the wind out of a nasty gift so fast as enjoying it as funny...

Lizzie48 · 13/06/2019 20:58

*I love these threads:

OP: AIBU?
MUMSNET: yes YABU
OP: No I'm not!!
MUMSNET: YES YOU ARE!*

And I hate this type of post. It comes up on every thread where there's been a pile on, and it's always an exaggeration. The OP has accepted that she was unreasonable but doesn't appreciate the insults, which is fair enough.

And the verdict isn't exactly unanimous. There have been quite a few posters who have disagreed with the majority.

I personally think the alarm clock was a funny present and he'll quite likely see it that way too. I think it's the OP who is over sensitive, not her OH.

I also think there is an excessive amount of present giving for Father's Day.

Antigon · 13/06/2019 20:58

*his ex not his Ed

Sceptre86 · 13/06/2019 21:00

My initial thoughts were that it is quite a funny present and totally apt. He does seem to buy expensive presents for his ex on mother's day that would be more suited if they were still together but he may just be a generous person and not everyone gives to receive. How will you feel if he doesn't do the same for you on mother's day?

I understand wanting to make his 1st fathers day special with your son, I made a basket up for my dh for his with a lot of thoughtful gifts however you shouldn't need to 'compensate' for his ex. Just enjoy the day with him and the two kids. The less you compare your actions to his ex the better, he is in a relationship with you and not her. Peeking at his gifts is rude in my opinion and 11 gifts is a lot but it is your money. Hope he enjoys Father's Day regardless.

Original poster
Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 21:00

I'm confused - she is 5 not 2? Not that it matters.

OP posts:
Antigon · 13/06/2019 21:00

@KnickyKnackyNooNoo

I don’t think OP is being unreasonable. I think her and DP are almost saintly.