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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

374 replies

Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 18:53

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

OP posts:
crustycrab · 13/06/2019 19:36

Firstly, sorry it's downright not darnright.

Secondly, why would any parent get a "break" from work or the kids?!

Thirdly, why on earth have you bought 11 gifts from your dc? Will step daughter be there with her dad on Father's Day to witness that her younger sibling has got him all this stuff and to see that she just got him an alarm clock? (Which he clearly needs by the way). If so, that's really cruel of you.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/06/2019 19:37

and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Grin it’s like 12-15% of his income isn’t it? Huge? Hardly.

I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate

Grin Grin Grin just to make sure he knows you’re the better partner.

TooStressyTooMessy · 13/06/2019 19:37

I can’t get past him not getting a rest at the weekend. He’s a parent to two young children. You don’t get a rest! Not for a good few years at least. Certainly not at the weekends.

Purplejay · 13/06/2019 19:38

Yabu to peek.
Yabu to be upset about the gift on his behalf.
Yabu to buy a tonne of extra gifts from your baby (who had no input) to compensate.
Oh and yabu to think that a dad working and then having his kids when not working is unusual. What do you think would happen if he was still with dd1s mum? It good he sees his DD lots, buys gifts for her mum (though he perhaps goes OTT) and pays maintenance (you seem to object to this).
He would be unreasonable to let the gift ‘ruin his day’, that would be a massive over reaction and unfair on DD1 who presumably knows what the gift is and will want her dad to like it. Even if he doesn’t he must pretend. He might find it funny (it is a bit) 😁

I have bought my ex a folding bbq for DS to give.He had input as he is 12. Spent about £15. I got flowers and a cup/coaster for mother’s day which probably cost about the same. We have always spent £10-15. The idea is that the gift is a thoughtful token from DS. We have to help with this even though we have split as there is no one else to do it. I do it for DS not really for Ex H.

Janedoughnut · 13/06/2019 19:39

Postmanbear

I thought it was a funny gift!

Me too! But then I'm one of those evil ex wivesGrin

agirlhasnonameX · 13/06/2019 19:39

I actually think the alarm clock is pretty funny and am now considering buying my always late ex one.

This year I got her to draw a picture and I've put it in a frame that cost £2.50 at Tesco, I wouldn't dream of spending more than that on my ex, esp not for Father's Day and not even if he decided to buy me a pandora charm- which is pretty weird tbh.

I think YABU, it's his present not yours.

Purplejay · 13/06/2019 19:40

Oh yes and I also hope you don’t wheel out a pile of gifts from DS in front of his DD if she only has one gift to give.

historymystery · 13/06/2019 19:40

My goodness, grow up.

MrsGrindah · 13/06/2019 19:40

I’m guessing from your post OP that you are in the US so Fathers Day may be a bigger deal than here, but a token gift is absolutely fine.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 13/06/2019 19:40

Father's Day in the US has been and gone.

zen1 · 13/06/2019 19:41

So will you be buying him 63 gifts next year? (I take it you’re buying one for each week if your child’s life)

zen1 · 13/06/2019 19:42

*of

MonkeyTrap · 13/06/2019 19:42

Those criticising the Dad here for “not getting a rest” give it a break. In “broken families” this is absolutely a reality. Presumably Mum is getting two days a week off from parenting? Whereas OP has a small baby and so is not going to be hands on with SC who she most likely won’t assume care of in the same way as Dad or in a typical family, where the children have the same parents. Dad will be exhausted working, then guilt parenting his eldest and trying not to neglect his baby and partner who is now a new Mum.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/06/2019 19:43

I also think the alarm clock was the perfect gift!

My ex used to say his alarm didn’t go off all the time and screwed up my job as a result. I’d happily have thrown the alarm clock at his head and still expected to say thank you Grin

Maitairiki · 13/06/2019 19:45

11 gifts- what the hell? Excessive gift buying from all parties I think

Tavannach · 13/06/2019 19:45

Will step daughter be there with her dad on Father's Day to witness that her younger sibling has got him all this stuff and to see that she just got him an alarm clock? (Which he clearly needs by the way). If so, that's really cruel of you.

Yep.

With the alarm clock, look at it this way - if his ex loses her job because she's late due to your DH's tardiness the demands on his time and money will likely increase.

RomanyQueen · 13/06/2019 19:45

I'm surprised they are buying gifts for each other and wow what expensive mothers day presents presents for an ex.
It sounds like he needs an alarm clock, I'm sure his ex wouldn't oversleep as she needs to go to work and is a single parent.
Maybe, he wouldn't have to work 60 hours if you both stopped the expensive gifts. Although, 2 children don't come cheap.

MrsGrindah · 13/06/2019 19:46

Oh sorry , the post read as if it was written by someone in the US!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/06/2019 19:46

Presumably Mum is getting two days a week off from parenting?

She is working on those days. Her one child goes to her parents. The OPs partner chose to have two children in separate homes. His choice. Why would you be comparing the rest the ex gets? She didn’t have two children.

OKBobble · 13/06/2019 19:47

Father's Day in the US is the same day as Father's Day here. It is Mother's Day that is different (march here, May there).

I would assume if she has bought him another gift too then the alarm clock is a joke!

I am not sure why you would buy 11 gifts. Are you trying to imply your child is better than hers! You bought them not a baby.

By the way maintenance is either what they agreed or a percentage of his earnings so it won't be huge! Even if it is an agreed (between the parents sum) that is what he chose to agree.

You seriously need to chill out or over the years it is going to get pretty nasty. You are not in competition and neither should his children be!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/06/2019 19:48

How old is only little?

ohdearym3 · 13/06/2019 19:49

I'd find it really weird if my ex turned up with pandora charms and other gifts for mothers day. No idea why but I don't think I'd want it from him.

trollopolis · 13/06/2019 19:49

11 gifts is so improbable that it's possibly just a bit exaggerated

MonkeyTrap · 13/06/2019 19:50

@ILoveMaxiBondi

Umm because everyone is saying it’s “normal parenting” to never have a rest. But in separated families it’s actually pretty usual for parents to get respite.

ISmellBabies · 13/06/2019 19:51

he doesn't get a break from work or the kids Neither does any other parent!

The fact he was late for pick up twice is fucking appalling. Alarm clock is a very appropriate gift. Thank goodness the ex can make light of it in this way and continue the cordial relationship. I'd be really fucked off in her shoes.

I doubt the gift will have much impact on how his day goes, he'll just be glad to be spending it with his children. He can't be expecting much from a 2yo tbh.

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