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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

374 replies

Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 18:53

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 20:08

Ok firstly I'd like to say his little one is 5 and will not be there when he opens his pressies. Not sure why their age is important here but it seems to be a reoccurring question.

I already know I was unreasonable to go and peek like that. I do feel sick and a little awful about it especially now I've seen how angry it has got you all.

The gifts I bought are only little things that he could really use and I used my own savings not our joint income.

I of course do not have an issue with him paying maintenance, I just feel a bit sorry for him because he pays quite a lot of extra money so that his ex can keep her 4 bed house when there is only two of them living there. He says it is because he doesn't want his baby to lose their family home which is really sweet and I adore him for that, but you perhaps you may see my frustration when she doesn't appreciate what he does do and makes digs at him when he is overtired doing lots of hours to keep that roof over their head. It was her house before they met and he wasn't added to he mortgage but he paid a lot into it.

He really was upset with himself when his phone messed up and got it fixed as soon as he could.

I'd appreciate a few less of the unkind comments saying I'm crazy etc and trying to be the better partner. I'm honestly a little sensitive as I'm sure you can tell and I hate seeing how sad he gets when she does things like this, it's not the first time she has done something to be unkind towards him but didn't want to bore with a million details.

I really do wish that things were different between the two families. Me and DP met each other a year after they had split and got together probably 6 months later and yet she refuses to meet me because she is still not over him leaving. It's really uncomfortable and admittedly I'm a little resentful that she refuses to meet because it's nothing to do with me how they split up and I just want everything to be amicable for the sake of the kids at least.

He is just ever so kind, I am not worried at all by the nice gifts he bought her. I trust him 100%. I appreciate the genuine advice but if anyone wants to imply I need to worry about them I have no interest in paying any attention to that. He is just very giving and despite how she acts towards him, she is a fantastic mother to their child and he appreciates that a lot.

OP posts:
SeigneurLapindeGrantham · 13/06/2019 20:09

Why is his ex buying him christmas and birthday presents? That's just weird or are they supposed to be from his child.

11 gifts? presumably 1 for each week of your child's life aww (not)

lotusbell · 13/06/2019 20:10

I buy exh and DS12 stepmom birthday presents and gifts on Father's and Mother's Day, plus something from couple to couple at Christmas. When DS12 was small, exh had a gf who didnt like this so I always got a pretty naff gift, whereas I genuinely put time and effort into gifts, whoever's the recipient. After gf and exh split, he was able to buy me something nicer and as DS got older, he would pick. Even now he has immaculate taste and knows me well! Exh and DS's have a 2 year old now and life is busy and we don't always get presents to each other on time depending on what day birthdays etc fall but I think it's nice to do it if you have a reasonably decent relationship but we dont go overboard as we all have far too much 'stuff' these days, and if course, DS is old enough now to remember and think of present ideas himself.

foreverhanging · 13/06/2019 20:13

11?! But last year, last year I had 37!

Kennehora · 13/06/2019 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worriedandannoyed · 13/06/2019 20:14

He doesn't get enough of a break from work/kids to justify the child maintenance?? That's probably the most awful thing I've seen another woman wrote on here. I doubt she gets much of a 'break' from parenting and working either like most parents!

Entschuldigung · 13/06/2019 20:15

I'd much rather be given something useful like an alarm clock than a Pandora charm or flowers. Perhaps his daughter chose it for him remembering that Daddy had been overslept?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/06/2019 20:16

He says it is because he doesn't want his baby to lose their family home which is really sweet and I adore him for that

Presumably he also pays to keep a roof over his son’s head as well? You don’t object to that do you?

If he is paying lots “extra” (above the legal minimum you mean?) in maintenance and buying pandora gifts for his ex then he isn’t struggling for money. That’s for certain.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 13/06/2019 20:16

Sorry but I don’t understand. You feel sorry that he didn’t get an off day? He’s there with your son. If you have more, you never get an off day, it’s called parenting!

Oh and a homemade card and cuddles, a cake you bake with the kids and letting them ice it, them making him breakfast well helping you- these are the things dads remember, not 11 little shop bought gifts.

Frankola · 13/06/2019 20:17

Op you wont get the answer on here.

You'll get a load of nasty comments from mums who seem to hate their father of their own kids and feel every man should take whatever shit is thrown at them.

Sorry.

crustycrab · 13/06/2019 20:19

Frankola I don't hate anyone. And suggesting that op would be cruel to let stepdaughter see her little brother give 11 gifts when she got only one isn't nasty. It's fact.

He's obviously doing quite well for himself, are there really 11 things he needs?

What have you got him op?

Original poster
Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 20:22

@frankola I'm getting that vibe. I think there's a few key board warriors. Just going to take a deep breath and crack on with my day. Wanted some genuine advice not criticism. Yes you are being unreasonable, she probably just thought he could use it and it would be greatly appreciated for example. Not you are crazy, cruel and need to worry about their relationship!

OP posts:
Chune · 13/06/2019 20:22

Well I think an alarm clock is quite funny. Are you sure he won't take it as a joke?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/06/2019 20:22

Op you wont get the answer on here.

What question is she asking exactly?

I’m a SM and a mum. No hate here. The odd thing is the excessive gift giving by two people who aren’t together anymore who don’t apparently like each other.

MonkeyTrap · 13/06/2019 20:23

Why does anyone care what OP has brought?

To use as ammunition to be unkind?

Original poster
Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 20:24

@crustycrab as mentioned, his other baby will not be there to see this. He is working 9-9 so there's no opportunity for them to visit or for him to go and see them. Perhaps ask the question BEFORE telling me I am cruel.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/06/2019 20:25

Are you a second wife Frankola? Grin

crustycrab · 13/06/2019 20:26

Erm, I did ask if she'd be there first and then said that IF she is then that would be cruel.

MonkeyTrap · 13/06/2019 20:26

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

Are you a first wife?

Apt username!

Eliza9919 · 13/06/2019 20:27

Could you switch the alarm clock for one of your gifts? You'll foil her plan and he won't be upset on father's Day.

crustycrab · 13/06/2019 20:28

And as for him "taking whatever shit is thrown at him". An alarm clock is a perfectly reasonable gift for someone who made her late for work. Twice.

Bet her boss was made up

dogsdinnerlady · 13/06/2019 20:28

Not waking up due to phone failure (twice) is passive aggressive. Too much present buying is over compensation. I think these two (OP's partner and his ex) have unresolved issues.

Highway · 13/06/2019 20:30

@foreverhanging it's ok because when they go out she will get 27 more presents Grin

ittakes2 · 13/06/2019 20:31

I'm sorry but I think you are over invested in it all. If his daughter is very young and your son is 11 weeks old - doesn't sound like it was a huge amount of time between when he split with her and started with you. I would be more worried about why he is buying her such expensive gifts!
His only two days off...it is quite normal to have two days off a working week - and yes he spends the whole two days with his daughter...just like he spends the whole two days with his/your son.

Newnewnewnames · 13/06/2019 20:32

Surely, OP HAS to be a troll, no one's that daft / deluded / able to miss the point, but -

They loved each other enough to have a five year old. They probably have a shared sense of humour. He won't be able to smile at the gift, even briefly, because you'll be staring at him with hawk eyes and will completely miss the point of F day for your 11 week old (oh yes, there isn't one, he can't say thank you yet, it's not girlfriend day, is it...)

And the mother of THEIR child will be at home in THE HOUSE SHE ALREADY HAD AND WORKS AND PAYS FOR DOING ALL THE DAILY SHT JOBS SHE DOES EVERY SINGLE BLOODY DAY without a rest... Oh yes, it's parenting. Millions do it.

🤦‍♂️