About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

[Alaurable97]

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

you all need to grow up , you should really take your own advice

Yes, maybe if he didn't buy his ex expensive gifts, you might have a little more income for your family

Presumably he buys you "better"/more expensive gifts than her for your birthdays etc?

"Did anyone perhaps consider it was the only way I could TRY and make his day special?"

There's other ways to make people feel special than just buying them stuff.

Make their favourite meal.
Take them out for the day.
Write them a letter
Run them a bath
Bring them breakfast in bed
Arrange childcare and spend a good few hours together child free

@boobirdblue he now works 5x15 hour shifts a week

75 hours a week then, not upwards of 60? Make your mind up!

That's also not sustainable so you need to make changes.

This thread is awful!!!!! It's actually kind of put me off Mumsnet! Poor OP, I really hope that you and your family have a great fathers day today!!
Try to forget about what people have wrote! And be happy xxxx

Fk me sideways what the hell is wrong with you lot. Get a life!! Awful behaviour. Happy Fathers Day to you & your OH and hope you have a lovely day. It's like a witch hunt for someone giving a toss about their partners feelings. You lot should be ashamed.

@ILoveMaxiBondi

You don’t get to dictate what people discuss on a thread once you make it post it. This is the internet, it’s public, it’s not your living room. If you post information, people get to give opinions on it. Some of those opinions won’t be ones you like. If you don’t want them, then the internet isn’t the right place for your questions.

Oh God the hypocrisy on this thread 😂

Need I remind you of your post upthread to mmmhazelnuts ? I've pasted it below.

You clearly have a problem with me and are following me around the boards to have a go. I have no idea who you are or how I’ve offended you so greatly. However, I’m respectfully asking you to leave me alone now. Don’t tag me, don’t post snide comments about me or at me. Just stop now. You’ve made your point, you’ve got it off your chest. Let it go.

You clearly like dishing it out but you can't take it, hence your frantic reporting of mmms rather mild posts.

MN at its finest again I see. Seems to be becoming more and more common.

I think it's a good idea, I wouldn't rely on a phone either!

I’ve no idea why you’ve quoted my post to hazelnuts, it has no bearing on what I said to the OP. There is no hypocrisy between the two posts. Hazelnuts has some personal issue with me which they are carrying into other threads.

You clearly like dishing it out but you can't take it, hence your frantic reporting of mmms rather mild posts.

I didn’t dish anything out to hazelnuts. Hazelnuts came on here and started some personal issue with me, I have no idea who hazelnuts is, they clearly had an issue with me. There was no frantic reporting. I responded to someone who repeated hazelnuts comment to me and my post was deleted so I asked HQ why, they said it wasn’t in the spirit of civil debate so had deleted it and had done the same with the posts directed at me.

There is no hypocrisy between the two posts

The hypocrisy is you telling OP that she has no choice about who responds to her and yet you tell hazelnut not to respond to you.

If you can’t see the hypocrisy in that then it just confirms that in your view there’s one rule for you and one for others 🤷‍♀️

Wow! Someone’s got a chip on their shoulder

There is literally no link between what ILoveMaxiBondi said to mmmhazelnuts and what she said to OP. The OP started a thread, asking for opinions. At no point did ILoveMaxiBondi ask for opinions from mmmhazelnuts (or, in fact, anyone.)

There is a link, you just choose not to see it 🤷‍♀️

@Alaurable97 yabu he was late twice. How is he able to hold down a serious job if his alarm doesn’t work? Or did it only magically not work when he was expected to get his daughter?
He gave his ex lovely presents and that’s nice for his daughter. He should continue but he should also take this present with a pinch of salt. I’d be incredibly annoyed if the only two days he has his daughter he couldn’t be on time; regardless of him working long hours.

No. Completely different scenarios. Not alike at all. Chalk and cheese. Not comparable.

Although, @antigon you sure do seem to be seeing things that a lot of other people are not seeing. Who knows? Maybe you are the lone purveyor of truth, the sole champion of sense. Maybe you indeed are the only poster who sees things as they truly are and the rest of us are all wrong. In the same way. At the same time. About all the same things.

Yeah you're probably right, it's probably everyone else who has issues...

Nope, plenty of posters up thread who agree with me.

Nice hyperbole though

Who agreed with you then that ILoveMaxiBondi was being hypocritical?

The hypocrisy is you telling OP that she has no choice about who responds to her and yet you tell hazelnut not to respond to you.

1. I didn’t say OP has no choice about who responds to her, I said she doesn’t get to dictate what aspects of her post people comment on. If she’s provides information about her situation, people will comment on it.

2. hazelnuts was deliberately derailing a thread that was neither mine or hers to act out some ridiculous grudge she holds against me. It’s perfectly reasonable to request that she stopped.

1. I never asked if you all thought I should be concerned by the gifts he buys his ex for mothers day (I'm not)

Well, look at it another way. He’s happy for you to live in a horrible area surrounded by drug addicts and chavs while he spends £££££ sending romantic gifts to another woman.

Hi I have a son from my ex partner. We split up when he was four. Since we split up I have been buying him gifts to give to his dad for his birthday fathers day and Christmas. I do it for my son. His dad hasn't bought me anything it used to pi** me off but the way I see it is we're no longer together and he's not obliged to do so. If your partners ex chose to buy that present that's between them. Let him react to it. Also I have a husband now and he doesn't feel like he has to buy me presents when my son's dad never gave my son gifts for me.

'For those that are interested, we live in a poor area and have 3 rooms (one for his other baby). Its terraced and most of our neighbours are either on drugs or single mums on benefits that swear at their kids and stand around in their dressing gown smoking all day. I hope that explains my frustration when she works part time, has a large house in a nice area and md and my son barely sees him.'

You're still getting it twisted. She mortgaged herself a property in a nice area. Where you live is solely down do choices that you and your DP have made. What you should be asking is why is he happy for his second child to live in an area full of poverty and drugs? Aren't you annoyed at your DP on behalf of your son? Are you going to do anything to get you and your son moved out of this area?

If your DP is genuinely depriving your child to benefit his first child to excess then maybe try blaming him not his ex wife.

Alaurable97

Great to see you sticking up for yourself. It takes guts to confront people, but you did so in such a dignified way imo. And great to see others sticking up for you. I think that it's about time that there was more kindness and respect on Mumsnet.

Yes, you don't get to choose how people respond to your posts. You cannot expect people to agree with you. That is very true. It is their choice to respond however they wish. And some of them chose to respond with bullying, assumptions and hypocrisy. That is their choice. But it says a lot about the type of people that they are.

OP, I think you need to take a step back here. What matters is that, clearly, your DP is a decent man who works hard to provide for his kids.

Should your circumstances change (and they might) then he’s already shown you the father he will be: one who tries, plays and pays fairly towards their upbringing. May, on occasion, be late for pickup.

The alarm clock is funny. Don’t worry about it.

It’s surely best for both children that they get along, and no amount of gifts from you will erase their history. He will always have a responsibility to her. Accept it. Get on with the ex as best as you can, love his daughter as your own, and try to chill out a bit.