AIBU to ask those of you who've said they'll help with childcare....

[TheOrigFV45]

...over the summer in a vague "you know I'll always have him" sort of way, to actually make firm plans with those you know may really appreciate your kind offer.

I have friends who are willing to take my son for the day to play with theirs, or on days out, but unless I know well in advance, I will already have made more concrete plans with the childminder which means I either lose £ or my child misses out. The childminder is already getting booked up. If I don't book her now I risk having nothing in place.

OBVIOUSLY I know he's my responsibility, but if you're thinking of helping a lone working parent out over the summer, NOW is the time to make that offer. That parent will really appreciate it.

Yes, I'm resentful of absent other parent.
Yes, I'm resentful said parent is still being chased by CMS (case opened in Jan).
Yes, I'm sad that while I work full time my son is shuttled off to the childminder, while many of the SAHPs are arranging all manner of get togethers.

I'm widowed myself and felt really annoyed I couldn't be with the kids more when they little. Due to financial reasons I went from being a SAHP to being sole breadwinner. Really felt my kids missed out.

I try to remind myself

1 Life isn't fair
2 reread first rule! 😬

Good luck with sorting out your childcare o er summer OP

Why is it their responsibility to make the firm plans, surely it is yours? If I’ve made that offer to someone I’d expect them to respond by saying “can you take X on 23rd July” not leaving the onus on me to sort the date.

Yes if someone says they’ll take them respond with a definite date. All too often the vague offer is never really acted upon. Look at gaps in your childcare schedule and then ask! But be sure to remember that you may be asked to return the favour.

I usually send a message saying I can have X on these dates : xyz

Then it's a concrete offer that can be taken up or ignored if not required

Friends of mine know that I will help out when I can (I work term time) but I expect them to ask me for specific dates rather than me to get in touch with them and say I can do such and such dates. Mainly because, although I am happy to help, I don’t especially want to be saddled with someone else’s kids for the entire 3 weeks I said I could help.
Selfish in a way, I know, but that’s my prerogative really. I work term time specifically for holidays and being able to spend the time with my children and although it’s nice to have other people’s kids join us here and there, it also narrows down what we can do (can’t fit more than 5 in my car and I already have 3dc so any more than one extra child and it means were stuck in the local area or reliant on public transport).
So I suggest if you want to cash in on favours, ask in advance for specific dates!

Agree I would expect you to ask me if I was free on x date to take dc seeing as I had kindly offered to have them for you. How am I supposed to know which days/weeks you need covering?

If people have vaguely offered to have your child but you haven’t given them any dates, or mentioned it since I wouldn’t expect them to do anything else, tbh.

If you haven’t asked for specifics, they won’t know what you want and probably won’t even think about it at all!

You need to jump on those offers OP.

I am having knee surgery next week and have 3 small DCs and no family nearby.

Everyone who has made a vague offer to help was sent a reply asking if they could do a specific job or help on a specific date. Most have said yes and those who can't have taken on an alternative date.

People are great at helping but you need to be more specific with your requests

yes you need to send them texts - working parents have to plan far in advance of parents that don't need to use childcare and just won't release. I've done both and it's a totally different mindset if you don't have to worry about clubs getting booked up etc and can see week by week what you'll do when you get there.

Fair enough re asking and being specific. I guess that's my hang up. My friends know I work full time, so I could just ask "can you have DS any time over the 6 weeks?" or just ask for random one or two days?

I don't like to ask for school hols cos I DO have to ask for other things eg work trips; conferences, or things where DS1 needs me. I am not in a position to return these favours ATM.

I guess I would like to think if I was a SAHP and knew a close friend was working I'd offer up something quite definite. But actually I've never been in that position.

Do you offer to have your dc' s friends at weekends?

Another one who thinks the onus is on you to pin down specific dates - I help a friend out regularly with childcare, but she comes to me when she's working out her leave/holidays/holiday club dates and we organise it then. If she left it to me to suggest dates, we could be going backwards and forwards forever because I don't know when she actually needs someone to help!

All the times yes, cos that's mainly when I can have his friends over.
And I offer to drive to sporting events etc.

Another one saying you have to be the one to make the first move to confirm dates, as long as you’re sure they weren’t just being polite!

it's not worth the overthinking, they're not thinking about your time line so ask if they could let you know if there were any days that were convenient to them over the holidays where they might be able to have your DS, as your CM is chasing you for finalising the dates you need her for.

You may think it's not much skin off a SAHP's nose but having another kid is extra work, a day at work is a long time for a play date and personally I don't work currently as I want to help my children with some specific things, not so I can help other people out. It is an easy thing to say you'd help if the situation was reversed but looking after other people's kids is harder than looking after your own.

Sorry but I agree with everyone else.

You need to ask for actual dates.

I help out when I can but to be honest I don’t jump at joy at the thought of just looking after other people’s kids on my days off. If they need actual help for a date because they can’t get childcare then yes but you need to ask.

I am not in a position to return these favours ATM.

Are you not able to offer anything? Babysitting?

Yes just text them and say that you really appreciated them offering and if they were still happy to do it, could they do X date? I always offer the rough time that I can do eg. “I could have him over at any point in the first two weeks”, and would expect that to be followed up by the other person TBH. I would be starting to plan stuff for those first two weeks as it got nearer to the time and wouldn’t necessarily chase up the person i had offered to confirm if I hadn’t heard any more on the subject from them.

How are other people supposed to know when you need childcare?

I wouldn't worry about the politeness, if they were just being polite and you send them a polite text and they reply with 'oh actually I've booked x weeks and then they're going to GM's etc' then you know that's a polite brush off and move on.

When I was a SAHM this was the time of year that WOHP started sniffing around with their vague, self-pitying comments and the “we must get the dc together over the break” shite.

They were always so obvious! If I gave a vague “oh we’ll have X over” more often than not I was being polite. No way was I going to start providing free, organised in advance childcare.

I’d have their friends on an ad hoc basis and that was it. If friend couldn’t make it then that was a shame but very much not my problem!

I wanted holiday time to be free and easy for me and dc, not restricted by other people’s kids!

Now I actually work from home so I’m even less free with my time because I still have work to do.

Perhaps people are being vague in that “let’s do coffee sometime” way!

And yes, a day’s work is not a play day. It’s childcare.

YANBU Op, I have also had this, oh you know we will have her any time. Then nothing is arranged, or if they do try they suggest the one week that you are on holiday and can't possibly do any other date.

I also get, oh can you drop her round at 10am, or can you collect her at 3pm. Well no actually I can't because I have to work from 9am to 5pm.

I always need to arrange childcare in advance like a military mission during the 6 weeks, which does make it really hard to fit in sudden sleepovers.

I do offer back where I can, so when I am working at home I try and have a friend over, or do it at the weekend.

I did find when I injured my knee that if I asked someone to do a specific task for me, then they were more than willing to do it.

I have only ever offered to mind my sister's kids over the summer. And now I'm glad of it! I know she would do the same for me (and she has done) Maybe I'm a cow, but I wouldn't mind anyone's kids if I knew they were never going to return the favour.

I also get, oh can you drop her round at 10am, or can you collect her at 3pm. Well no actually I can't because I have to work from 9am to 5pm.

How dare they offer to have your kid over and it not be for an entire day, huh?

The entitlement!