AIBU to ask those of you who've said they'll help with childcare....

[TheOrigFV45]

...over the summer in a vague "you know I'll always have him" sort of way, to actually make firm plans with those you know may really appreciate your kind offer.

I have friends who are willing to take my son for the day to play with theirs, or on days out, but unless I know well in advance, I will already have made more concrete plans with the childminder which means I either lose £ or my child misses out. The childminder is already getting booked up. If I don't book her now I risk having nothing in place.

OBVIOUSLY I know he's my responsibility, but if you're thinking of helping a lone working parent out over the summer, NOW is the time to make that offer. That parent will really appreciate it.

Yes, I'm resentful of absent other parent.
Yes, I'm resentful said parent is still being chased by CMS (case opened in Jan).
Yes, I'm sad that while I work full time my son is shuttled off to the childminder, while many of the SAHPs are arranging all manner of get togethers.

how is having a child over putting yourself "at great disadvantage"?

It’s about what your personal line of acceptability is. What would you do-where would you draw the line; what point does it become a minor inconvenience? What point does it become a disadvantage?

One play date for one friend’s child who plays nicely with yours.

One day of having a friend’s child from 9-5.

One day of having a friend’s child 7-7.

One day every week of having a friend’s child 7-7.

2 days a week of having a friend’s two children 7-7.

Being asked by two, three or more friends to have their child or children once or multiple times for short or long days.

Being asked by people that aren’t that good friends to have their children who don’t play with yours!

Etc etc

Some, none or all of these will be an inconvenience or disadvantage for each of us-it’s all relative. It’s ok for the person having the child to decide what they are prepared to do and the working parent to accept that-hopefully both with good grace.

Omafiet. A minor inconvenience to you maybe, everyone's circumstances are different.

It's often parents of one child who think it's no big deal for SAHMs with several kids to take on their child for the day. Like anyone else would want 5 or 6 kids all day (unless their own!)

In my experience too, it’s the parents of one child who think adding one more is a doddle. I notice they never EVER offer to have all of yours in return. Truthfully sometimes I don’t mind, but sometimes it takes SO much more to accommodate one more.

how is having a child over putting yourself "at great disadvantage"?

It’s presumably the reason there are ratios for nurseries/schools etc. And why childminders don’t offer “send one and I’ll have the other for free” type offers....

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis exactly! Nobody has ever offered to have my 4 in return, they couldn't cope with 5!

“It's often parents of one child who think it's no big deal for SAHMs with several kids to take on their child for the day”

YES to this!!

It’s inly 8am, but already this morning I’ve woken up to one of the “usual suspect” mums texting me to ask if I could “just hold onto” her DS on the Friday after school finishes.

Firstly, she has had the term dates all year like everyone else so has had ample time to make arrangements for this odd day.

Secondly, she does this every year.

Thirdly, I know full well she’ll be dropping the boy at 7am and my DD will have to be up and entertain him, whereas, otherwise, nobody will be surfacing before 9-10.

Fourthly, this child is a boy and my DD thinks he’s annoying

Finally, this woman is s CF and I could do a thread on her. She will have texted everyone in the class asking for a day here or there. Everyone has caught in to her this year though.

I replied to say I didn’t think I could have him as I have to go to the airport that day to get my elder DC and wouid by want to drag her DS there as well. She replied instantly with, “Not to worry at all, DS loves airports!”

She has no concept of what it’s what it’s like to have 4 DC. As if I’m able to just be at home all day on an 8 year old agenda, making cakes and doing fun scooter rides in the park or whatever. Er no. I’ve got one teen flying home and two other DC to factor in. So that will be a “no” this year. It will also be a no go the other 4 days she’s tried to “pencil me in”. Get a bloody nanny fgs! The woman is a lawyer.

She’s already asked me to take her DS to the after-school party after they break up at 12 on the previous day. I’ve agreed to this and I will drop him home with several others who also need dropping home, but that’s it.

I’ve also had someone else ask me to have her DD from 12-4 on the same Friday. At least this girl is actually one if DDs friends, but I just don’t want to commit to being stuck in for the afternoon. Again, another only child. I do appreciate it must be difficult, but I’ve just had enough!

I don’t know why you would even give her an opening like that! She clearly wouldn’t give a shit about him being stuck on an airport run!

You need to learn to just say no!

Bloody hell Pa1oma

Stop being a doormat

I sympathise @Pa1oma I find it impossible difficult to say no. I'm a people pleaser and believe in always being as kind as possible but this year it's really dawned on me that that is often to my detriment and worse to my children's detriment.
I'm going to enjoy my summer with my children this year-we will get up when we want to and be able to go wherever we want because we will be able to use the car (which we can't with extras!) We will have loads of play dates but I wont be doing daily 12 hour shifts of unpaid childcare. It's not kind to my own children.
I just need to work on saying 'NO'!

If you find it hard to say no then ignore them!

Don’t respond to texts. Don’t read what’s app messages or fb messages. Don’t answer the phone. Ignore! Ignore! Ignore!

Don't give an opening. Just say no sorry I can't. CFs will always come up with a solution.

omafiet having extra kids over can be no bother at all or far more effort and irritation than a long day's work, it depends which children!

I was a childminder for a couple of years when I only had 1 dc, then only did Fridays and evenings while I had babies and preschoolers, and then only worked part time when I had 3 small ones of my own (up until the youngest was 5, eldest 10) and now I do shifts meaning DH and I can cover most weekends and holidays, but the kids are alone for a few hours here and there (teen, pre teen and 8 year old). So I've done a lot of extra looking after extras.

We also live in an area where the kids call for each other and play out from quite young, so my kids always have playmates anyway, I love having lots of kids around but kids who've arrived under their own steam and can be sent home if they become annoying/ naughty/ demanding are totally different to ones that you're doing 12 hours childcare for.

When they're too young to be left for an hour a major limitation is that I can't ferry my older kids about to meet their friends in town or at the sports field etc or go to the shops/ pharmacy take the kids to town for an ice-cream or anything because we live rurally without public transport, 5 miles from the nearest bus stop or shop so if I have too many kids to fit in the car we're all stuck in our small village or on forest walks around it.

My children are quite self sufficient but some 8 year olds (my youngest child's age) are utter liabilities, very demanding and entitled, expecting constant entertainment and a danger to themselves if not watched constantly. That kind of child, or a couple of those, are absolutely a severe limitation on the day of anyone who agrees to look after them. There seem to be more like that around than there were when my eldest was younger - and yes, they are mostly but not exclusively onlies who have spent a lot of time in structured, adult led childcare (and when not onlies then the younger of two with the same background of a lot of structured childcare, which seems to create very demanding somewhat helpless children unable to entertain themselves and with the view adults are there to pander to them and alleviate their boredom).

It’s really different having a play date vs extra kids. One friend of mine when I stopped working starting asking for childcare on inset days (teacher too). It meant 7:30-6 childcare with my three plus her 2 (ages 1,4,5,7,8). It was hellish, they argued, got over tired but didn’t rest and I couldn’t put all in the car to go out or safely walk them all (hers was a bolter and I had the buggy). It was a grim day of mess and trying to prevent trampoline injuries whilst neglecting the baby.

Tbh now if I offer it means ‘if they are bored at the childminder I can pick then up and take them out for a bit’ or ‘I can do morning/ evening’. Not a full working day plus travel.

If though your child is polite, fits in, eats reasonably and doesn’t attack my kids or run off then I don’t care if they practically live here. The above doesn’t apply if they aren’t hard work, or you do me so many favours I owe you a lot.

I don’t want to wake up super early in holidays, have my house trashed etc anymore. Most people like me curtailed a lot because they had mick taken. I won’t even mention the one with the child from hell (not Sen!) who asked me to have her child for half and hour after school and when I rung her after an hour to ask where she was turned out to be the other side of the m25 in rush hour! Offer too much and you get either burnt, or hated when you suddenly stop or can’t. There’s no vitriol like when you’ve had a child a lot then stop, you’ll be slated to everyone far and wide who never has done a favour...

@OhForkItThen I feel like I've found my people! This thread has been really helpful.

You need to ask for the specifics.

For us it goes like this:

Me: happy to have A over to play with B if you’re stuck in the holidays.

Friend: actually, it would be brilliant if you could have him on 27th July or even a couple of days that week if that’s not too much?

Me: Sure, no problem.

Friend: Would B like to come for a sleepover on the Saturday in return?

Get a spine, Pa1oma. No excuses or 'I don't think I can'. 'Sorry, but no. I can't look after your DS on Friday at all, or any time this Summer. We have a lot on and I'm not available for further childcare. xP'

Indeed.

My child has a couple of friends who I’d be happy to tag along for the entire Summer. And I already have several dc. The friends are no trouble at all. She has others with whom I’d dread half an hour after school. They are giant pains in my arse, constantly push boundaries and influence my own dc to play up. They are also unpleasant to the siblings.

Yes I do need to learn to just say a flat “no” and DH has told me this as well, but some people are very persistent and you can only think of so many excuses. I think they just think I’m just “there anyway”, so what’s the difference, but as PP have said, having an extra child (or several) all day will really alter the dynamic and it’s just too long for them all, to be honest.

There was one particular mum who did have after -school care, but the lady couldn’t be there until 5pm. So she approached everyone to collect her DS every day at 3.30 from school, drive him home and have him until 5pm when the childminder would come. She asked me if I could do this every day! I said no, but I could do Mondays (I had the excuse that DD did two school clubs finishing at 4.30). So what did she do? She then rang the school and actually booked her DS into these clubs and told the school this was an essential last minute request to help me out so that I could collect him!

I still said I couldn’t do those two days and said this was because I couldn’t commit as sometimes I wouldn’t be coming straight home because I often would dash across to my other DC’s school to give them a lift, especially if it was dark. Her response was, “Well what are WE going to do then?”

I guess my point is that, yes, you can say no, but it’s still bloody irritating that these mums are so entitled in the first place, They just assume it’s nothing.

This child used to walk out of school and say “What snack have you got?” It used to drive me mad.

This particular boy ended up being collected by another mum on some of the other days. I’ll never forget this mum telling me that he ended up being there the day she came home from hospital with her new baby because that was “their day” and her MIL had to still bring him home that afternoon. Her DH was livid apparently.

Then you keep saying NO, Pa1oma and stop giving any excuses. They're only persistent because they know they can wear down people and get what they want for free.

'She asked me if I could do this every day! I said no, but I could do Mondays (I had the excuse that DD did two school clubs finishing at 4.30). So what did she do? She then rang the school and actually booked her DS into these clubs and told the school this was an essential last minute request to help me out so that I could collect him!'

Pa1oma

I'm truly AGOG at this CF'ery which goes on.

Please stop allowing this.

Stop even getting into a convo about it. ' No, I can't' you will find works wonders.

Stop getting used.

Good Lord there are some CCCF's our there

I would have my friends DC in a heartbeat in an emergency or if their childcare had fallen through, and have done, many times. But taking them so their parents don't have to pay for childcare, no way. I take a big hit in pay to be off all summer, and I don't do it so other people can continue to get a full wage while I mind their DC.

After years of ‘favours’ many of us get sick and tired of it. The return favours are often almost non existent. So we now see whoever my dc likes to see, family friends with parents and dc, and swerve the pushy mothers with diaries trying to organise free child care.

I would help anyone with a death or hospitalisation issue, but I am not interested in covering whole work days. Hell no. The holidays are tiring.

One friend said to me of a neighbour that looked after her ds three times a week in the holidays for years and years, and was so kind and helpful to my friend:

‘Yes she is good enough to look after ds, but I’d never invite her to one of my dinner parties’

Our friendship has never fully recovered, I just couldn’t see her in the same light after that comment. It has stayed with me. Some cfs really really don’t care.

It’s inly 8am, but already this morning I’ve woken up to one of the “usual suspect” mums texting me to ask if I could “just hold onto” her DS on the Friday after school finishes

By ‘just hold onto’ does she mean-‘provide a full day of childcare for?!’or just ‘wait with for 5 minutes at the gate’?

Bloody hell. I don't think OP was suggesting that everyone she knows HAS to have her child for a full day. She was saying that people who have offered to have the child and so presumably don't mind make a concrete offer now rather than at the last minute. Personally I'd be happy to - since I don't work in the holidays it's not something I've thought about. I'd be happy to help out. A few days of childcare aren't going to do me any harm or put me at a disadvantage (I'd be arranging playdates anyway). If you can't offer a days childcare then don't - no one's asked you to!