AIBU to ask those of you who've said they'll help with childcare....

[TheOrigFV45]

...over the summer in a vague "you know I'll always have him" sort of way, to actually make firm plans with those you know may really appreciate your kind offer.

I have friends who are willing to take my son for the day to play with theirs, or on days out, but unless I know well in advance, I will already have made more concrete plans with the childminder which means I either lose £ or my child misses out. The childminder is already getting booked up. If I don't book her now I risk having nothing in place.

OBVIOUSLY I know he's my responsibility, but if you're thinking of helping a lone working parent out over the summer, NOW is the time to make that offer. That parent will really appreciate it.

Yes, I'm resentful of absent other parent.
Yes, I'm resentful said parent is still being chased by CMS (case opened in Jan).
Yes, I'm sad that while I work full time my son is shuttled off to the childminder, while many of the SAHPs are arranging all manner of get togethers.

And yes of course I'm booking the CM.

As a SAHM I just don't think I've ever really grasped the issues faced by working parents.

The friends who do say "Can you have her on the 8th of next month?" have always taken me aback a bit....I'd never realised they had to plan that far ahead but I certainly don't mind them asking.

So you should ask.

OP I tend to make swap arrangements with other working parents as it avoids all the issues covered above re the differences between working and stay at home parents' needs. I have a friend with two children the same age as mine, the kids get on great. She is in the same position as me, working full time, so we both are planning the summer holidays soon. We both take odd days off throughout and have each other's children over for the whole day.

I think five days of holiday club is too much for my kids, really don't want them there that much - not just about the cash. Just the odd day like this makes a difference. Yes, it's not ideal that on my precious days off I've got 4 kids here rather than just my 2, it's not a relaxing day, but it is the lesser of the evils for me.

You are coming across at least on here as angry and entitled.

Angry that other children are having days out and fun in the holidays, and yours apparently is not,

Entitled because you are a lone parent and have to work, and others should be doing more to help you.

You should absolutely book child care every day, and if a playdate arises then that would be great for your child for an afternoon.

No it is not the job of your 'good friends' to provide you with daily unpaid childcare.

Where is the child's other parent? Shouldn't he be more involved, and then you wouldn't have such an issue.

Your friends most likely said this due to pressure from you however subtle, and you will soon know who means it, as they will offer closer to the time. I would not like someone calling me chasing for dates that were two months away. It makes you look like a CF even if you are not.

The fact you are away when you have leave and so can't help them in return is pretty galling from their point of view!

No one owes you anything op. A playdate for a few hours is a kind thing to offer, full on daily childcare is taking advantage unless it is an emergency.

I don't think the OP sounds at all entitled. People have offered to help, she's just trying to work out how she can access that help

OP I think you are getting a bit of a hard time. I work part time and am more than happy to have another child around (nice children(!)) If we have no plans.

I find the summer hardest to organize play dates though as it is so long - everyone is away different times etc and I book mine into a patchwork of clubs partially for childcare partially so they are not with me / nanny / grandma at home all holidays.

I think people who offer vaguely probably expect either you to say 'holiday club is closed last week of holidays can you do a day then?' Or 'great I am also taking a week off so may be I can have DC week x if you can have them a day week y?'.

I think if you use all your leave to 'go away' but hope for play dates I am afraid I would find that too non reciprocal (but annoyingly might still make polite noises).

I make a LOT of (financial) sacrifices to be with my children in the holidays. My children, not someone else's.
I'm a single parent myself (widow, no parents) and I do not like to rely on anyone else's good will.
Also, I have my DC's friends over regularly- to help their parents out- ( mostly from 2 parent families!!! and I still help them!!) before school and after school. However, I wouldn't want to commit now to, say, specific days in August as I'm not prepared to plan that far in advance. You never know what might come up.
You should commit to your child minder- and then if your DC gets an invitation to a friend's, then that is a bonus nice day out for them. You seem to expect help from your friends and can't really reciprocate.

Op...people are just saying it not really offering it. I work two days and seriously im so busy i dont know which way to turn. Weve something booked each day. Saying that i have offered and looked after friends dc but its only for a short time eg..two three hours for dentist etc ive done the same friend looked after dd whilst i attended scan following miscarriage. In this case mainly for the other ladies there didnt want dd to be in waiting room. Friends do help out but its an awful lot to ask for whole day and tbh if whole day regularly its becomes a childminder so question if friend needs to be registered. Book childcare anyway. If someone offers great if not you have the childminder booked

I agree with others, op. You can't rely on friends to you any money in childcare. I've booked 2 weeks of leave over the summer holiday, but will still have to pay our CM for those weeks as she keeps herself free for us.

Should be to save you any money.

people are just saying it not really offering it.

That's their problem. They shouldn't offer if they don't have to.

I work part time and share some of the holiday childcare with other working parents. We try and take as much annual leave as possible and work from home and then one day a week my daughter may spend half a day at a friend's house. We'll have those friends over in the week so it's shared out.

There are some people who genuinely want to help out.

I don't think you sound entitled, just stressed and a bit frustrated.

As others have said you need to approach the friends with specific dates but be aware that when it comes to committing you'll probably find that some aren't particularly enthusiastic. I'd probably only ask the most reliable friends as the last thing you need is a phone call a day or two before from someone telling you that actually it doesn't suit.

Tbh most people use a mix of clubs, childminder, family if they have them and unpaid parental leave. You don't say what you do and I realise the absent parent isn't contributing but is there any possibility you can use some of your unpaid leave entitlement? Even if it means not being able to go away it might be worth it for the peace of mind.

Surely the odd day or two is no good because you will have to book the childminder for the whole week or set days per week. You can't just not book the childminder second Tuesday because they are going out with friends? Also your child shouldn't be missing out as hopefully the childminder will have trips to the farm, soft play etc organised .

No, I can book just what days I need.
Yes they do do activities and days out.

Yeah, OP, you’re getting a bit of a hard time.

I’m a SAHM and help my friend out every summer. It’s normally around now when she asks me about specific dates (about 2-4 days in the whole summer). I don’t think it’s weird, I think it’s organised and then equally it’s in my diary and I make plans with her DD in mind. My friend usually gives me £10 for activities in the day and she helps me with my DD when I ask (occasional school run, sleepover, etc).

I think you’re struggling with the ‘do they mean it?’ aspect. If they’re good friends who can be honest with you, simply ask them. Do it in person and admit you struggle to know if people genuinely want/are able to help or would prefer not to be asked. I’ve had 2 school mums ask this of me and while I can tell it’s awkward for them, it should get you your answers. Just reiterate that saying no is fine and there are never any hard feelings.

I used to ask for specific dates. But I didn’t work 1 day a week so I’d have all their kids that day - even if they didn’t work
One day, with siblings, I had 13 children 👍🏻
Was a lot of fun. A lot of pasta and chopped up hot dog sausages 😂
I realise you don’t have a day off but if you take the odd day annual leave, include that in your request?

You sound very much like you are tipping into CF territory.

You go away when you are off, but are happy to expect favours from others of a full days childcare. Seriously? Why would anyone want to do that when you can't do anything at all in return, and I suspect they are not good friends at all otherwise why not just call them?

Just book in the childminder for the whole holiday, and avoid being one of those parents that are always always badgering SAH parents for favours. If you want your dc to have a fun holiday organise sleepovers at yours and days out with her friends on your days off. Simple.

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm ducking out now as I find the negative comments hard. But I've got my answer.

Have a good summer op

Also don't think anyone is being negative, just telling you things perhaps you don't want to hear? Be open to honesty op it is not personal. Hope you get it all sorted.

So much for the 'making life easier for parents' ethos of MN. Christ, this thread makes SAHMs look thick and mean to boot.

OP - I'd ask. Just explain to your friends that you need to book. I can't imagine that your friends are dim enough not to realise that you have to book childcare in good time but it's worth mentioning it to them.

FWIW I always take my friends' kids in the holidays for the odd day if I can - that's what friends are for and my kids like having someone new around

I'm thinking that as DS gets older and needs me less I will be able to help out my friends in other ways, whatever that might be

I had a friend who said this when our kids were younger and I helped out lots with childcare in the summer. Now our kids are older-she hasn’t ever mentioned it again!

As long as you actually do something to help them rather than just intending to.

As said previously, I think the best bet is when anyone offers-say, ‘wow, that’s great l. If you really are serious-would you mind if I text you some dates?’ then do so that evening. You’ll be able to gauge from their response if they were serious.

I have a hard time asking for help / cementing plans when people have offered something helpful, but I have learned how to do it if I have to...

So in your circumstances I would text something like
“Thank you so much for your very kind offer to look after DD for a day over the holidays! That’s absolutely wonderful, she would love to spend some time with your DC and I would be so grateful to you for having her. Are you sure you don’t mind though? I would need you to have her 8am-6pm but completely understand if this would be too long for you. No pressure at all, but as I’m just sorting our summer holiday schedule I thought I’d check first whether your very kind offer still stands. If so which date would be good for you?”

Is there any of the DMs who would happily take it for a smaller payment each week.
It can be a struggle financially for many of the holidays, maybe they'd be happy with the extra cash.
I hope you get it sorted.
I do get your predicament. I am going to text SIL to give her date options after your post. X

Christ, this thread makes SAHMs look thick and mean to boot.

You think this thread is indicative of the intelligence levels of SAHMs?

Really??