AIBU to ask those of you who've said they'll help with childcare....

[TheOrigFV45]

...over the summer in a vague "you know I'll always have him" sort of way, to actually make firm plans with those you know may really appreciate your kind offer.

I have friends who are willing to take my son for the day to play with theirs, or on days out, but unless I know well in advance, I will already have made more concrete plans with the childminder which means I either lose £ or my child misses out. The childminder is already getting booked up. If I don't book her now I risk having nothing in place.

OBVIOUSLY I know he's my responsibility, but if you're thinking of helping a lone working parent out over the summer, NOW is the time to make that offer. That parent will really appreciate it.

Yes, I'm resentful of absent other parent.
Yes, I'm resentful said parent is still being chased by CMS (case opened in Jan).
Yes, I'm sad that while I work full time my son is shuttled off to the childminder, while many of the SAHPs are arranging all manner of get togethers.

It is awkward and hard to give specific dates, I work nights, if I offer to take a child to something I am not expecting them to arrive for 9hours.
I will help SIL and DDs friends mum but TBH it is expected, it pisses me off at times as no one minds my DC, plus the extra food etc thank feck I work it night to afford it.
I understand your situation is hard, usually sahms have reasons they can't work, so no wage at the end of the week.
It is shit sometimes both ways.

Notabedofroses

I am talking about people who have OFFERED. Maybe I should rephrase my OP and state 'AIBU to ask that parents don't say "I'll always have him"' unless they actually mean it.' I am not expecting anything apart from clarity.

God, if people (my FRIENDS) are saying that but internally have all these thoughts of me being a CF, or wondering why I'm making me being a lone parent their problem, or that I might think I'm doing them a favour in looking after my son then that's really sad.

And maybe that's exactly why I haven't asked - a feeling that maybe that's what people think and therefore if people do actually mean they'll help then they really will make it clear.

I can't sacrifice my wage to be a SAH - it's not really a choice I've made.

Unfortunately, I think it’s probably safest to book your DC into childcare full time and then just take play dates as they come. They probably don’t know or haven’t thought about specific dates for the holidays yet and it’s a bit risky if they change plans last minute/their own DC are ill etc. Hope you manage to sort it!

Perhaps friends offer causally but don't want to be tied down.

I personally would book the childcare and any play dates are a bonus.

Unless you are paying them you can't really start asking dates....their plans for August etc

Cross post with Tuppence

I've offered to look after a friends child when the nursery is closed. I told her I'd be around on wed, thurs and fri that week so if they get stuck for childcare I'd happily help out as our dcs play nicely together and hers is not hard work. If she needs the help I'd expect her to contact me and say 'can DC come to you Thursday' - I'm not going to chase her and beg to look after her child. How strange. Also, I'd fee like it looks a bit weird to keep offering, I've done my bit.
It's not an empty offer at all but at the end of the day I'm doing the favour, you can take some initiative.

OP, in your situation I would text and ask those that have offered, if it would really suit them and pin them down to a date.

I would also state clearly that I really appreciate it and would like to reciprocate.

You could offer to babysit at their's for several hours so they could go out for an early evening meal, the cinema, a lunch etc. Or take their children overnight as a return for two days care.

Speaking plainly and make it an attractive option for them, could make it a regular arrangement that works for both of you, with no-one feeling imposed upon.

Good luck.

If I said to a friend today that I’d have her child a bit over the summer and she started trying to tie me down for dates in AUGUST I’d think she was a CF or a basket case.

Just pay for bloody childcare!

You don’t ask you don’t get.

i am not in a position to return these favours ATM

You have weekends and when you take AL to return favours surely?

I know it’s probably hard but we make all sorts of sacrifices for me to be at home and I find it really frustrating when working parents palm their children off on me. Every, single time it’s been longer than agreed and incredibly inconvenient. Caring for someone else’s kids is very different from your own. So whilst I’m happy to have children come round to play for a short visit, I won’t be planning these and these will be with parents I know are at home and aren’t going to off and work 3hours longer than agreed and not answer their phone.

None of the above is your fault, but I’m feeling decidedly less helpful than I was 2 years ago after being used and abused over the holidays.

YANBU

However, I am probably guilty of being like your friends. I always say things like 'we must get them together in the holidays' or 'I'll always help out' but in reality we have v little free time and generally survive via lots of complicated logistics and organised childcare ourselves. When I do start to flick through an already full diary and realise what I'm letting myself in for, the thought of being booked or tied down becomes even less appealing and I don't follow up with anything concrete.

That said, I've already organised a few bits of summer holiday childcare by arranging direct swaps with other mums - 'I can have yours on 2 days of your choosing in the first week, would you be able to have mine on the 2 inset days at the end please?' has worked well and we've all confirmed.

In your position I would book paid childcare you can rely on and keep the play dates and friend favours for emergencies or weekends when you can reciprocate and keep the hours shorter.

i am not in a position to return these favours ATM
Why not? Surely you have days off.

If I said to a friend today that I’d have her child a bit over the summer and she started trying to tie me down for dates in AUGUST I’d think she was a CF or a basket case.

Just pay for bloody childcare!

This ^

Put more effort into tracking down absent fathers and their families rather than roping friends in who've more than enough on their plates already.

Generally an afternoon is okay, a full day of childcare is too much. Kids niggle each other and fall out after too long together. No.

Book your childminder or tackle the real issue, a feckless father.

This is new to me. I thought ppl mainly asked family members to help with childcare in the holidays.

I used childcare vouchers deducted from my salary to pay for it.

Much as ppl may offer, a full day is quite a lot. I'd be worried my child would be bored and I rather they do holiday club.

I really think ppl are saying it to be polite tbh.

Not related to your question, so apologies, but "it's not really a choice I've made" isn't strictly true, is it?

I mean...your friends are SAH, you're not. That involved a choice at some stage much earlier in your life (hint: your choice of mate and their choice of mate).

Fwiw. Yanbu. They should put up or shut up.

Ah, I feel for you OP, and think people are misunderstanding what you’re saying. I’m a SAHM and definitely don’t offer it to everyone, but I have some very good friends who I would say ‘let me know if I can help’. I wouldn’t want to be looking after their child on a regular basis, but here and there if they needed me, I would. And I wouldn’t expect anything in return other than a thank you. However.... I have been stung by the CFs in this world, hence I wouldn’t even make a flippant comment to someone in this regard, unless I genuinely meant it. I think people are so wary of being taken advantage of, that they say things like this without meaning it. That doesn’t mean they think you are a CF, but I guess they just don’t know, and would rather avoid it.
I know I am very lucky to be a SAHM, and plenty of people don’t have that choice. I have acquaintances who blatantly think that means I should help them out (whilst they swan about spending their wages on their days off, evenings out etc,) but think they don’t even need to thank me for helping them out, because I was at home anyway. It doesn’t sound like you are one of those, but I think this is why people are wary.
However, you definitely need to pin your friends down for dates, I wouldn’t think to chase my friends up (mainly because I lose the ability to think at all when my kids are wearing me down all day!)

Gosh, sorry for the essay!

What I meant by saying I can't return the favours ATM is that I can't help in the same way they can. Yes of course I have days off and then if I'm at home then we do have friends over and at weekends I arrange to have DSs friends.

But I am often away during my leave.

I'm thinking that as DS gets older and needs me less I will be able to help out my friends in other ways, whatever that might be. My good friends acknowledge this.

OP if you can afford it book childcare.
As you can see from many posts, people don't mind helping as a one off, or a wedding, but not penciled in for full days over the holidays, friends are not, it can be annoying.
Pay for childcare.

If he gets invited out, it's a half day off childcare.

These threads always make me a little depressed. So many people who wouldn't give someone else the steam off their pee...I work FT now but was a SAHM in the past. Many a time I would gladly have a friend's child over for the day. Sometimes the friends reciprocate, sometimes not (typically because they were at work FT!) Kindness goes a long way; if you can help someone out, why wouldn't you? Being a good friend doesn't equate to being taken advantage of by a CF. Not in my world, anyway.

If I said to a friend today that I’d have her child a bit over the summer and she started trying to tie me down for dates in AUGUST I’d think she was a CF or a basket case.

Whereas I'd think she was organised.

The tone of your OP shows that you have an expectation of people to provide care for your child. That these parents who have made vague considerations of a playdate over the holidays are actually inconveniencing you by not immediately giving you a list of dates they want the pleasure of your child all day. If you're not getting offers, it's because either you already have a reputation as a CFer, or your child is not that pleasant to be around.

Wow @MidniteScribbler you have made a lot of negative interpretations from my OP, and made some personal digs at me and my child. That's not very kind.