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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask those of you who've said they'll help with childcare....

306 replies

TheOrigFV45 · 09/06/2019 18:40

...over the summer in a vague "you know I'll always have him" sort of way, to actually make firm plans with those you know may really appreciate your kind offer.

I have friends who are willing to take my son for the day to play with theirs, or on days out, but unless I know well in advance, I will already have made more concrete plans with the childminder which means I either lose £ or my child misses out. The childminder is already getting booked up. If I don't book her now I risk having nothing in place.

OBVIOUSLY I know he's my responsibility, but if you're thinking of helping a lone working parent out over the summer, NOW is the time to make that offer. That parent will really appreciate it.

Yes, I'm resentful of absent other parent.
Yes, I'm resentful said parent is still being chased by CMS (case opened in Jan).
Yes, I'm sad that while I work full time my son is shuttled off to the childminder, while many of the SAHPs are arranging all manner of get togethers.

OP posts:
Meltedicicle · 09/06/2019 20:17

You definitely need to be more specific. I will say ‘let me know if you need any help and if I can, I will’ and then in my mind it’s up to the other person to ask about dates.

I have a friend who will text over the summer dates she’s struggling with and if I’m free I will have her 2 kids for a couple of them. I’m happy to help as long as it doesn’t feel like people are taking the piss eg kid poos in nappy when friend has arrived to pick him up and friend looks at me expecting me to change it etc!

fedup21 · 09/06/2019 20:17

It’s ok to offer to help people without getting anything in return.

That’s fine-your choice.

The Op is asking people for free childcare and saying she can’t offer anything in return. That’s different.

IvanaPee · 09/06/2019 20:18

No, OP has said people have vaguely mentioned having her son at some point.

Anyway, I would always make arrangements anyway and see play dates etc as a bonus. Someone could get sick or whatever the night before.

When you’re paying a professional you know you’re covered.

It is really hard on my DD that she can never go to play dates in the holidays due to the fact that I have to work every day and can't just rock up late or leave early to take her to playdates.

I’m sure it is but that really isn’t anyone else’s problem!

Isleepinahedgefund · 09/06/2019 20:18

Sorry but I wouldn’t put firm dates in the diary to look after your child during the holidays. I did it one summer on a reciprocal basis and i felt really tied down. I also hated looking after someone else’s child from 8am to 7pm when his parent bothered collecting him despite saying they’d be there at 5, and not letting me know they’d be late! Never again.

If I’m off work during the summer to look after my kid, the last thing I want is to be tied to looking after yours. I might invite him for an afternoon if it fits in with what I’m doing, but I certainly wouldn’t be “pencilled in” as childcare this far in advance.

I used to get cheeky requests fairly often when I worked at home most of the time. During termtime I’d quite happily have him after school to tide you over for a conference or other work event, but the holidays are different.

The best thing to do is to pay for childcare that suits your working hours and not expect anyone to pick up the slack. Your son is not “missing out”, this is the lot of many a child.

For the record, I am a single parent working FT and I fully understand the struggle.

Schnitzelvonkrumb · 09/06/2019 20:23

I have a good friend who offers to have DD for me in school hols as she works term time only. I am lucky that i can be flexible about working to a certain degree so i try to fit im with her plans. She usually speaks to me a few weeks before half term or whatever and lets me know what days she can do. Other times i have asked on a school fb page what camps ds friends are doing and another mum offered to have him for the day.

Pharlapwasthebest · 09/06/2019 20:25

@fedup21
But my comment wasn’t aimed at the op.

MorondelaFrontera · 09/06/2019 20:37

I have asked friends to have my kids on the last 2 poll days when their school was closed. I didn't wait for them to guess I needed help.

I am taking theirs for the day to a park as a thank you. We swap anyway.

I am afraid paying for childminder but sending your child on a last minute playdate is part of using childcare. You do it for your child, you don't really use your friends for free childcare unless you really need it - election day was 1 for me, I couldn't find a childminder for 2 random days like that.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 09/06/2019 20:41

If it means dropping off before 8 and picking up after 6 then I think you need to offer the same at a weekend or during your holidays.

IvanaPee · 09/06/2019 20:49

I wouldn’t get ready early enough to drop my kid to someone for 8 on the weekend! Would you?

SoftSheen · 09/06/2019 20:49

I am a SAHM, currently.

I am happy to have the DC's friends over to play for a few hours, with or without their parent. Also happy to feed them lunch/dinner.

However, the reality is that most people do not want to look after someone else's child for a full working day i.e. 8 am to 6 pm or similar. I would be happy to do this for a friend's child in an emergency situation, but I really don't want to book up our family time like this in advance.

Kaykay06 · 09/06/2019 20:49

Is this a thing now? Getting other people’s parents to babysit for free whilst you work? If I offer to have your kid it’s to Play not free childcare. That might sound mean but I have 4 of my own and on my days off from work I like to do stuff with them not them and half their class.

Meanwhile on days I work 0715-8pm I have organised my own childcare and not asked some random parent to watch them. Even as a ‘play date’ cf behaviour imo
Working is tough and having kids is but it’s my responsibility to find registered childcare who are trained and insured to ensure my kids are looked after properly. Also a single parent,

formerbabe · 09/06/2019 20:53

I'm a sahm...I'd help in an emergency but I sacrifice a wage so I can look after my own children, not other peoples.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 09/06/2019 20:55

No @Ivanapee but you’re asking the other parent to be up on a day they don’t have to be and tohave their children up. To be fair I have extra children fairly regularly and because I already have a large family it doesn’t really matter. It is more work though and I would expect return favours.

Hahaha88 · 09/06/2019 20:56

You are joking right? You have a kid, so you pay for childcare. You don't rely on friends to watch your child for free, and being a single parent makes no difference to that. IF there's an emergency i.e. childminders sick or something then fair enough ask (yes ask, don't expect offers) a friend if they can help you out. But seriously you're being self centered expecting your friends to watch your child simply so you don't have to pay childcare!

MatchSetPoint · 09/06/2019 20:58

@formerbabe I agree with you 100% I couldn’t of said it better myself!

ScreamScreamIceCream · 09/06/2019 20:59

@neversleepagain In 5 years time your MIL will start to regret it. She will wonder why her grandchildren aren't close to her and want nothing to do with her. She will forget that as an adult she didn't cultivate a relationship with her young grandchildren.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 09/06/2019 21:02

I used to have a spreadsheet for the summer holidays when DD was at primary school - I think she had nine weeks (private and only chosen because I moved back from working overseas).

So I started with family who'd offered to have her for "the odd week" for specific dates - my ex has no involvement in her life but his mother always had DD for a week, my sister sometimes did, my DM would do a couple of weeks, I would book several weeks' (usually three or four) holiday camp and then I'd take two weeks where I had gaps.

I wouldn't have expected any of DD's friends' parents to have committed to a whole day, but the weeks that DD was with DM, we often coordinated so that she got to see her friends.

I did dread summer holidays and was extremely grateful to DM, without whom I couldn't have held down the jobs I had.

NataliaOsipova · 09/06/2019 21:04

I guess I would like to think if I was a SAHP and knew a close friend was working I'd offer up something quite definite

Why would you think this? If you’re working, do you offer to pay for your SAHP friend because you’re earning money and she isn’t? Of course not. There are advantages and disadvantages to all choices: if you work you get paid for it, if you don’t work then you don’t have childcare problems. I think it’s extremely cheeky to expect a SAHP friend to look after your children (genuine emergencies excepted, when presumably you would do the same for her).

EssentialHummus · 09/06/2019 21:05

you don't really use your friends for free childcare unless you really need it

This. And when you need it, you ask things like "Can you take Jim on 4 July, 8am to 5pm?". Waiting around for people to offer won't work. I SAH and will happily have every toddler on the block round here, but I can't imagine ever messaging my friends (LPs, working mums, whatever) and asking whether I could relieve them of their child on a particular day a month into the future. Why would I?

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 09/06/2019 21:37

To be clear, I am not expecting anyone to offer free childcare. I was saying that IF people have offered then I would like them to then follow up on that in good time. They have offered because they know I am a lone parent working full time, which I appreciate very much. I guess I haven't been more forward in saying which specific days because I worry they are thinking some of the things mentioned in this thread. I DO NOT want to be CF friend.
I think the thing to do would be to be prepared to respond at the time with a "thank you so much, may I send you some dates as I need to book the CM well in advance".

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 09/06/2019 21:40

I agree with Natalia. If you are a WOHP then you need to accept that paying for childcare comes with the territory. It’s as simple as that.

If your dc gets invited on a play date and you choose not to let him/her go because you’ve already paid the childminder then that’s your prerogative but nobody else’s fault!

Notabedofroses · 09/06/2019 21:43

Your friends are doing you an enormous favour. How often do you have other people’s children all day?
If you did it regularly you would know that even with the sweetest child it is really hard work for that length of time, and that assuming they all get on. My least favourite parent is the type that feel they are bestowing a favour on me by giving me their child to entertain, feed and care for all day whilst they work, developing their career and bank balance. The worst one also tagged on a gym visit!! Cf doesn’t cover it!

Notabedofroses · 09/06/2019 21:45

the why is it other people’s problem that you are a lone parent op?

neversleepagain · 09/06/2019 21:54

scream this is true but so sad. We asked and got our answer, will not ever ask again.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 09/06/2019 22:05

I world term time so at home with my son in the hols. I regularly offer the 'I'll always help out over the hols' to friends who work the hols and they come back to me when they've worked out what days they need help with.
If only really offer a specific date if I was doing something in particular that I think one of my friends kids would like to do. Otherwise, it's an offer of help and I don't know what days they need help with til they tell me.