AIBU to ask those of you who've said they'll help with childcare....

[TheOrigFV45]

...over the summer in a vague "you know I'll always have him" sort of way, to actually make firm plans with those you know may really appreciate your kind offer.

I have friends who are willing to take my son for the day to play with theirs, or on days out, but unless I know well in advance, I will already have made more concrete plans with the childminder which means I either lose £ or my child misses out. The childminder is already getting booked up. If I don't book her now I risk having nothing in place.

OBVIOUSLY I know he's my responsibility, but if you're thinking of helping a lone working parent out over the summer, NOW is the time to make that offer. That parent will really appreciate it.

Yes, I'm resentful of absent other parent.
Yes, I'm resentful said parent is still being chased by CMS (case opened in Jan).
Yes, I'm sad that while I work full time my son is shuttled off to the childminder, while many of the SAHPs are arranging all manner of get togethers.

Dsis and I make firm plans with each other. Can’t help each other this year but we usually say week x or y for each other

I dont rely on friends saying they might be able to help

Agree Ivanapee, it's childcare you are looking for, not a play date.

Absolutely, perfectly reasonable. In return could working parents please do the same and offer to have their child’s friends over on their days off. It should be a two way street. In my experience, rarely is.

I got bitten by this when my dc3 was first at preschool, and I offered to have a quite difficult 3 year old friend (difficult as in needed watching constantly, more than average, and also prone to being quite rude and demanding verbally and sometimes cruel to my son though they were ostensibly friends, no sn) of his every time preschool shut for a half day, which happened 3 or 4 times per term each time they did a special outing in the morning requiring all staff to work at once rather than in two shifts, plus a day a week every holidays. I only worked Fridays and 3 evenings at the time - 15 hours per week, so always said I only work a few hours, I can take him. The other mother was always very vocal about how impossible it was for her to manage when preschool closed, and put herself up for the PTA on a working parent ticket, wanting to stop the half day closures. She never once offered to have dc3 as childcare when preschool closed, only the usual over for tea in the evening once in a while which we did too on top.

I was spitting feathers when she accidentally let slip she worked 12 flexible hours per week.

Bloody hell.

I referred to myself as mostly a sahm when I did 15 hours. A lot of sahms aren't actually not working at all.

Yes ask for specific days, but don't assume everyone else is swanning about doing nothing while you work and think they owe it to you to chase you with concrete childcare offers.

@ivanapee do you never just help friends out because they’re your friends and it’s nice to help people?

I swap childcare with friends quite often in the holidays when I’m working, I’m on maternity leave this year so don’t need any childcare but have sent messages to the few people I usually organise stuff with and said I’m still happy to have their children if needed. Likewise if my son wants a friend round for tea I’ll ask their parents what day it would help them and have them that day (we have an after school club that won’t charge if you give them a weeks notice that your child isn’t coming).

I agree with others who have vaguely they can have Little Johnny for the odd day during the holiday. You need to approach them and ask ifvthe offer still stands, and either ask whether they can have them on xyz date, or ask when they can have them.

As pps have said, you need to actually say what you are asking for. I used to get this A LOT when dd was younger, as I am a teacher. If I was asked to do a few certain dates, fine, although in cases where the kids didn't play well together, non consecutive dates were always much preferred by me, although I understand it is clearly not that simple, it just made for a few difficult days and me dreading the next block.

We have no family in this country apart from mil who is 2 miles away and she's never offered to have dc at anytime of their lives. Dc are almost 7 and for the first time we asked her to have them for 5 days over the summer (for 4 hours each time). She said would give us £100 towards childcare clubs.....so basically a no! We don't want her £100 for clubs, we wanted our dc to go to a family member who would do things like read, bake with them and play in the garden for a few hours. They're already going to clubs and dh and I have taken as much time off as we can over the summer (our annual one week family holiday is included in this). We felt a family member who loves them might be nice for them but we were firmly reminded not to ask again.

Our kids, our problem. I've learned this the hard way.

@ivanapee do you never just help friends out because they’re your friends and it’s nice to help people?

It depends. I had my friend’s 3 children for an overnight and two full days a while back because she had a wedding.

I offered because yes, she is my friend but more importantly our children all get along.

If my kids don’t like my friend’s kids then no, I don’t have them.

As I said, I have kids over loads but as and when I feel like it, not to provide free childcare.

I look after the DC of my friend every now and again. Probably works out as half a day once a month and an after-nursery pick up. I don't mind having them, but it is a favour. It certainly isn't for my benefit (I actually find it quite tiring).
Therefore, setting a date / asking for help with looking after them is fully on her. The mother to ask for specific date and time. I'll then keep it free.

So - you should be the one initiating dates OP and thanking your friend.

You need to do something in return. You can’t expect sahm’s to provide free childcare so you can save ££s. It costs a lot to stay at home. It also costs a fair bit to have an extra child. You need to give back at least what you’ve asked for.

The only time we don’t live by the clock and a schedule really is the school holidays, and this is priceless. For us, we don’t plan anything apart from booked holidays in advance and tend to do things ad hoc.

Op I find the school holidays very tiring looking after my own children. Taking on more children is a tall order, especially if it’s all day. I can usually manage a few hours easily but more than that is exhausting for everyone.

A day out is usually better but nowhere busy and stressful.

Most people are managing their own workload whether it’s home or work, and are not really thinking about yours tbh.

Make your childcare arrangements, and then if dc is asked great, if not it doesn’t affect you.

Make every effort to have their children to give your SAH friends a break too. Especially at the weekends otherwise you will just come across as a cf.

Seriously. Just book them into childcare. It's the only way you will stay sane. Offers are kindly meant but when it comes down to the cover you actually need the only thing reliable enough is a holiday club.

Thanks all. I will think about which friends I feel comfortable approaching and also firm up times when I can have their children. I don't for one minute think that SAHPs have some sort of cushy holiday with an open door for children of working parents. I don't want to abuse my friends' generous natures ie make them feel obliged to say yes.
Bath time!

DD2 has a close friend, he4 mum and I both work, I think she gets more holiday than me.

Whenever we have an inset day, she always offers to have DD, as she says she gets more done with both girls there, rather than just hers, although it is noisier,

I have promised next inset day is my turn.

We have booked them into holiday club together. My daughter is happy anywhere, hers prefers to have a friend, I would book extended days, her mum prefers to collect at 4, so has said she will take them both at 4. I will do some days, but as my DD Would be happy with a full day, this is more to suit them.

I hope she doesn’t feel taken advantage of. I have had her DD for her first sleepover, she was a bit upset in the morning, whereas mine is very happy and never even wants a call goodnight.

If someone has offered, contact them now yourself, just explain you are booking your childcare and wondered if they had a date in mind - stress you don't mind if they can't confirm any date or cant commit to a full day.

Also worth noting, a good childminder will take your DC out and about, to local parks etc if the weather is nice, so they might still be able to meet up with friends.

What hours would you need these people to have your kids? When I work-I leave the house at 7.30 and don’t get home till 5.30/6. If I needed someone to have my kids, those are the hours they’d need to be there.

I’m aware that during the school holidays, things are relaxed and people who aren't working that day generally don’t want to be up and dressed at 7am waiting for my kids to be dropped off, so would never do this.

This is a huge favour-you so need to be aware of this and if you’ve got the mindset that your friends are almost being inconsiderate by not going out of their way to get in touch with you first offering days of their holidays in which they will provide free childcare, then I think that’s not the best starting point.

If I were to offer a play date, it would be 10-3 or 2-5 etc, but it sounds like you want full days of childcare.

Don’t become the mother everyone avoids is my best advice.
No one will feel obliged to help you as such, because you have childcare options, and your not ill or in hospital. I wouldn’t really expect your friends to give your arrangements a second thought.
Life is too busy!

ivanapee it is not about entitlement, it is about people asking DD for a playdate, telling me not to arrange childcare because they will have her....... I explain that I have to work all day and that is why I have childcare arranged. They say, oh don't worry about Childcare, we will have her for the day....... Then announce that they don't want her dropped off til 10am or whatever.

I totally agree with you, it is childcare that I need, and it is childcare that I arrange until these people decide to "help" out.

It is really hard on my DD that she can never go to play dates in the holidays due to the fact that I have to work every day and can't just rock up late or leave early to take her to playdates.

@fr3d
Why?
It’s ok to offer to help people without getting anything in return.
I help people because I can, not because I’m getting something back.

Posted too soon, OP is saying that she has the same issue, people say they will have the child to save her the childcare arrangements, but then can't actually do anything suitable, or don't follow up on the offer.

Asking a child to a play date is a totally different thing to offering to have a child while you are at work.

I guess I would like to think if I was a SAHP and knew a close friend was working I'd offer up something quite definite

The problem with this is they have no idea what childcare you already have in place, what dates others have offered to do etc. You know what days you need childcare for, you ask them if they can help with those particular dates.

I help out when I can but to be honest I don’t jump at joy at the thought of just looking after other people’s kids on my days off. If they need actual help for a date because they can’t get childcare then yes but you need to ask

And this. I offer to help out if people need it, and will help. However I’m not going to chase them to pin down dates because, to be truly honest, it would be easier for me not to do it. If someone asks for a particular day and I’m free, I’ll say yes. I won’t chase them about it.

YANBU. I'm guilty of making these offers and not firming things up. In future I'll make sure the parent gives me a date I can confirm or not.

Some of them will have just been being polite. There’s always threads on here where part time working parents or SAHP are taken advantage of by CF “friends”. As PP have said, some people enjoy the flexibility of not having to be pinned down in school holidays so even if they’re willing to help, won’t want to commit in advance, it’s not their fault that this doesn’t work for you.

If you’re not in a position to return any of these favours (not necessarily with childcare but with something equally as valuable as a days childcare!) then I think you should just pay for the childcare you need. If you can return the favours then contact people and make firm arrangements for both side of the deal.