AIBU to ask those of you who've said they'll help with childcare....

[TheOrigFV45]

...over the summer in a vague "you know I'll always have him" sort of way, to actually make firm plans with those you know may really appreciate your kind offer.

I have friends who are willing to take my son for the day to play with theirs, or on days out, but unless I know well in advance, I will already have made more concrete plans with the childminder which means I either lose £ or my child misses out. The childminder is already getting booked up. If I don't book her now I risk having nothing in place.

OBVIOUSLY I know he's my responsibility, but if you're thinking of helping a lone working parent out over the summer, NOW is the time to make that offer. That parent will really appreciate it.

Yes, I'm resentful of absent other parent.
Yes, I'm resentful said parent is still being chased by CMS (case opened in Jan).
Yes, I'm sad that while I work full time my son is shuttled off to the childminder, while many of the SAHPs are arranging all manner of get togethers.

I agree with others that it's up to you to pin down some dates. If someone has made a vague offer, say "okay, thanks, could you have him on x date?" If they make excuses or don't get back to you then they were just talking shit with no intention of helping. But most people probably are genuinely happy to help but haven't made plans that far ahead because they don't need to, unlike you. If you get a date in the diary they will then work their other plans around that/.

I know there are plenty of intelligent SAHMs Ivana but they don't appear to be posting on this thread

So much for the 'making life easier for parents' ethos of MN.

I didn’t know that was a blanket rule. I am not here to make the lives of anyone easier-I’m just muddling along doing the best I can. If I can help out friends and it doesn’t make my life too difficult, I will absolutely help.

I will not make my life difficult so that CF can have free childcare. I have been caught out with this before and it really annoys me-especially people asking me to have them at the last minute (repeatedly!) just because they couldn’t be organised enough to have sorting things.

OP-that was not even remotely aimed at you-I think you have listened to the comments made on this thread and clearly have friends offering to help-that is not who I meant.

Ivana Clearly orchid feels SAHPs are thick for not falling over themselves to offer free childcare all summer to the intelligentsia

Ah, so every single SAHM who has posted on the thread is thick, @Orchid. That’s what you meant?

The intelligence of every poster who doesn’t work outside the home leaves something to be desired?

Fair enough.

We’ll agree to disagree on that one.

Isn't it terribly mean of us to say we are NOT an unpaid childminding service over the holidays!

I'll be honest I am a bit confused about the sahp being thick comment.

Isn't it terribly mean of us to say we are NOT an unpaid childminding service over the holidays!

That isn't mean at all, but I assume you wouldn't offer to have other people's children in the holidays? The person the OP is talking about offered to help. If you offer it surely can't be rude for the person to consider taking them up on it?

And you wonder why we don't want to look after your kids orchid ? If you have such little respect for your SAH 'friends'.

nerr No, I would not offer to have someone's child for a full working day over the holidays. I am happy to invite children over for a few hours, but all day from first thing in the morning, no.

I very much doubt the parents were offering the whole day, and they were probably doing so in a polite breezy way, yes xx must come to us over the summer kind of way.
They are not offering full childcare services.
There IS a difference, a very distinct difference.

Then that's for the OP to work out. I would have another child on my day off all day, you wouldn't. People have different boundaries and the OP won't know unless she asks.

'I very much doubt the parents were offering the whole day, and they were probably doing so in a polite breezy way, yes xx must come to us over the summer kind of way.
They are not offering full childcare services.
There IS a difference, a very distinct difference.'

I agree with this as it's something I'd do.

nerr You totally missed the part of the thread where op says she can't offer any return favours, when she has time off she goes away! She does nothing in return, but expects her friends to have her child all day whilst she works.

It is the fact that op feels she can expect this from other people (her 'good friends' apparently) and yet she is not prepared to help in return.

My friends do offer to have my kids as I have theirs. Because we all get that juggling work and childcare can be tough.

I find it astounding that it hasn't occurred to some of you that childcare in the holidays - especially as a single parent - needs to organised well in advance.

Anyway, I have a conference call now so must fly!

Super thick SAHM here (with two degrees).

I have, and do offer help to working friends and the parents of my DCs friends. I’ve had children before and after school, for occasional whole days, dropped off and collected from various trips outside of school hours, and have taken in children on INSET days, etc.

I have offered these things, and more than happy to provide them, but I’d expect a parent to contact me and ask if I can help on a certain day. I don’t print and hand out lists of dates where I’m free.

If you’ve been offered help in an open ended way, it’s up to you to contact someone and firm up arrangements.

vulpine We are thick because we won't play ball and do everything we are told or that is demanded of us, be that free unpaid childcare during the summer holidays, or last minute requests to pick Jonny from school due to an over running meeting.

How awful of the SAH to be so 'unhelpful' so 'lacking in generosity'. Jesus H Christ. Is this what the world has come to. Very pleased I don't know people like Orchid in real life.

Ah, orchid is obviously far more intelligent than us SAHM types as she has conference calls!

One feels orchid is perhaps projecting her own insecurities on this thread.

I think if you want to sort out the vague but heartfelt offers from the "we must have little Johnny over in the holidays some time, maybe never, how is never for you" sort of offers, the way to do it is to go and talk to them about it. You say look, you very kindly mentioned having little Johnny over, I'm booking childcare now for the holidays, I need to be out of the house from x till y and if you wanted to take Johnny for that time on a set date that would be awesome and I'd be very grateful, but I don't want to impose so if that's not what you were thinking of just tell me and we can just arrange a playdate instead? And then if they say no, you play it by ear as to whether to actually try and fix a playdate or just leave it. You want to be able to take up genuine offers of help while giving people an out if they don't want to do it. It must feel uncomfortable having to be that upfront about wanting something off of someone but if you're wanting 9-10 hours of work off them, I think the least you can do is to take on the discomfort of asking yourself and not expect them to take care of that for you.

I very much doubt the parents were offering the whole day, and they were probably doing so in a polite breezy way, yes xx must come to us over the summer kind of way. They are not offering full childcare services. There IS a difference, a very distinct difference

I agree with this as it's something I'd do

I used to, but I've become quite good at just going "no, sorry" and then not saying anything else. I realised that the uncomfortable feeling of saying no to someone was as nothing to the uncomfortable feeling of having to look after their kids. It's taken me about four years of being a SAHM to nursery and school-aged kids to get to that point though. I used to feel guilty about not having a "good enough" excuse to say no, and then I copped on and realised that I don't need a bloody excuse - my time's my own, regardless of what wider society might think about economically inactive women (to paraphrase Jane Austen, it seems to be a universally acknowledged truth that an economically inactive woman with a couple of spare hours must be in want of some more unpaid caring responsibilities).

I think you've got a hard time OP, perhaps because the tone of your first post came across as entitled (to quote a favourite MN word). I imagine you're just stressed and if I were a friend of yours I would probably book dates in. However, I wouldn't do it if I never got anything in return. That sounds harsh, but I've been there and worn the t-shirt. So, what in saying is I think it's fine to book dates, but you need to offering something in return in the same conversation.

And I agree with others who have said a whole day of childcare is a whole different thing to an afternoon 'playdate'. Even the most lovely child can wear a bit thin after 10 hours.

OP YADNBU and I don't think people understand how difficult this is unless you are a lone parent.

Speaking as a single mother with a ft job, I'd expect the sahp offers to be for emergencies (e.g. childminder ill) and would always try to give something back somehow (taking hers on the weekend, or occasional evenings, or inviting them for a meal).

If you offer reciprocity, said SAHMs (anyone, really) will be more likely to help you.

TBH

If I'd dropped in a casual 'Tom must come over In the holidays'

I'd run a mile if I got a very polite but direct 'what day? and I'll need you to have him 8-8. No chance. As that isn't what I'd have offered.