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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not offered Father’s Day to Ex-H?

224 replies

vivalasvindaloo · 09/06/2019 13:52

Posting here as I’m not a lone parent (remarried).
Last year we swapped Mother’s Day and Father’s Day but mother’s day fell on my weekend anyway this year. Father’s Day also falls on DS (10) weekend with me. Ex hasn’t asked for time with DS on Father’s Day, but equally I haven’t offered. DS asked me if he was going to see his dad on Father’s Day, I had a nice day planned for me DS and his stepfather (my DH). Am I being U not offering it to the ex?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 09/06/2019 17:56

I'm quite old but I can always remember there being a Father's Day. Yes it is not a traditional day like Mother's Day, although that is very different nowadays to the traditional Mothering Sunday.

However, it would appear that this family have celebrated Mother's Day and Father's Day in previous years so why wouldn't they this year. Indeed it would appear that the OP had thought about DS celebrating it but with his stepdad not his dad.

scratchyfluffface · 09/06/2019 17:57

Absolutely, your DP is not his dad!

Littlechocola · 09/06/2019 17:59

Very petty

TriciaH87 · 09/06/2019 17:59

So when it's to your benefit you will allow the swap but when it's not you won't. What about when both mothers day and fathers day fall on his weekends. Will you be OK with him having your child. If you have made plans can you not invite him so your son can spend it with both men. Otherwise I think the decent thing is to offer or at the very least half the day each.

WindsweptEgret · 09/06/2019 18:02

YABU, you should offer to either swap weekends or to send him for the day. He can do something with his stepfather on another day.

Bellagio40 · 09/06/2019 18:03

YABVU

Missillusioned · 09/06/2019 18:10

I didn't see my children on Mother's day this year because it wasn't my weekend. Ex didn't offer and I didn't ask. I wasn't too bothered.
It's just a day for retail companies. Does it really matter?

Dyrne · 09/06/2019 18:20

It can matter to the child, Missillusioned.

wafflyversatile · 09/06/2019 18:26

Maybe he felt he could ask last year because he could offer you a swap that suited you too.

Goldmandra · 09/06/2019 19:38

It doesn't matter whether it's fair to the ex not to offer.

It doesn't matter whether Father's Day is a load of commercialised bullshit.

It doesn't matter whether the OP gets a day back in return.

The child has asked if he will be seeing his father on what he may perceive as a special occasion. He might be asking because he doesn't want to see his dad and is checking he won't have to go for extra contact.

The point is that he asked and should be allowed to express a preference about whether he would like to see his dad on that day. The adults should be facilitating this.

If a child opens a conversation in that way, a responsible parent who is prepared to prioritise the child's needs would keep the subject open and find out the reason for the question. They wouldn't shut it down and try to justify doing so by acting as if the child is some sort of marital resource the parents get to share out equally between them.

Icantstopeatinglol · 09/06/2019 19:50

It’s always the child that loses in this situation and it’s completely unfair on them. YABU. Coming from someone who’s dh has to put up with similar attitude from his ex it boils my blood. Dsd is now 21 and has moved away from her dm as she got sick and as soon as she got to 18 she upped and left. Just wanted to point that out. Kids are aware and if they know there’s an atmosphere they will be wary to even ask in the first place. Be the better person if you have to be and text and ask if he would like to have him on Fathers Day. Or keep doing what your doing and see how that turns out.

Wonderbag · 09/06/2019 19:55

” DS asked me if he was going to see his dad on Father’s Day, ”
Sad

Alfiesmom15 · 09/06/2019 21:16

What is with the response "he hasnt asked" "I want to keep contact to a minimum" "your not his secretary"
NO ITS CALLED BEING A BLOODY ADULT FOR YOUR CHILDS SAKE ..... who on earth plans fathers day with a step father before even asking a biological father out of pettiness.. your son asked if he would be seeing him, judging from your comments hes probably already aware of the pettiness so was clearly testing the waters.... yabvu especially considering he offered for your benefit last year I'd return the same courtesy

Lizzie48 · 09/06/2019 21:27

The OP has disappeared, what a surprise. Hmm

Cryalot2 · 09/06/2019 21:34

Think of your son.
Yes it is your weekend and you have planned something for your dh and ds and you and whilst ex has not asked at the end of the day he is Ds dad , let them have father's day together.

chuttypicks · 10/06/2019 09:36

In the time it took you to post this and subsequently comment, you could have easily just text your Ex to see if he wanted to see your son on Father's Day this weekend. YABU if you don't tbh.

Antigon · 10/06/2019 10:13

Can't believe people are saying you sound like an awful person for asking a question. What a toxic forum.

This. I'm not surprised OP has left the thread when confronted with such judgemental holier than thou posters.

Last year OP asked ex if they can swap. He didn't suggest it to OP.

This year it's up to ex to ask OP to swap. It's not OP's job to facilitate Father's Day contact for ex. And her son hasn't ASKED to see his dad, big difference.

Why don't people ask OP why she keeps contact at a minimum with ex? I suspect he was abusive to OP.

MRex · 10/06/2019 10:16

Actually OP said the ex asked:
last year ex had asked to swap as Mother’s Day fell on his weekend and father’s day on my weekend.

Antigon · 10/06/2019 10:19

Ok, then, what's stopping him asking this year? Still not OP's job to facilitate.

mrsm43s · 10/06/2019 10:19

I think its inappropriate to plan a father's day celebration with a stepfather in situations where the child has an involved biological father, regardless of whose weekend it falls on.

Your child has one father only - his biological one. That is the person who he should celebrate father's day with.

Your husband is not his father.

It would be a different situation if the biological father was absent or not involved in the child's life and someone else had fully assumed the parental role. But all the time the father is active and present, then that is the only father they have.

Yes, of course your DS should spend father's day with his father. As his mother, you should want to do what is in your son's best interests and facilitate it.

Excited101 · 10/06/2019 10:23

YABU

Antigon · 10/06/2019 10:25

I think its inappropriate to plan a father's day celebration with a stepfather in situations where the child has an involved biological father, regardless of whose weekend it falls on.

It's not a father's day celebration. It's a day out. If ex wants his son, he can ask OP.

PinkGlitter123 · 10/06/2019 12:28

I completely agree with mrsm43s

WindsweptEgret · 10/06/2019 12:40

If ex wants his son, he can ask OP. It's about what's best for the child.

Alsohuman · 10/06/2019 13:04

Of course it’s a Fathers’ Day celebration, ludicrous comment.