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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not offered Father’s Day to Ex-H?

224 replies

vivalasvindaloo · 09/06/2019 13:52

Posting here as I’m not a lone parent (remarried).
Last year we swapped Mother’s Day and Father’s Day but mother’s day fell on my weekend anyway this year. Father’s Day also falls on DS (10) weekend with me. Ex hasn’t asked for time with DS on Father’s Day, but equally I haven’t offered. DS asked me if he was going to see his dad on Father’s Day, I had a nice day planned for me DS and his stepfather (my DH). Am I being U not offering it to the ex?

OP posts:
CaravanHero · 09/06/2019 14:16

last year ex had asked to swap as Mother’s Day fell on his weekend and father’s day on my weekend

Mother’s Day comes 3 months before Father’s Day - so if your ex asked to swap last year it must have been before Mother’s Day.

It sounds like he was considerate of you last year. Don’t be a dickhead - return the favour this year and be the one to offer.

TheInvestigator · 09/06/2019 14:16

@myhamster

But her son has brought it up. If her son didn't mention it at all, then maybe I can understand not asking. But her son has asked, and she can't just ignore that.

AnybodysDude · 09/06/2019 14:16

I really don't see why you're getting a hard time. It isn't up to you to make arrangements, your not your ex's secretary - if he wants to see your son at a time that falls during your time with him, then he needs to ask you for it.

If you said no, you'd be an arsehole. But I dont think it's your job to offer, he should be making arrangements himself!

aidelmaidel · 09/06/2019 14:16

If ex hasn't noticed, it can't be that important to him, can it. It's not your job to track his feels. If DS was just asking for information and doesn't especially care one way or the other, no biggie.

It's not selfish to not anticipate how your ex is going to feel about something he's expressed no interest in thus far.

GreenTulips · 09/06/2019 14:16

I don’t really see why it’s up to me to be the one arranging it, I don’t see how that makes me an arse?

Because your child has asked. It’s what he wants. That’s why you deal with it.

WetPaint4 · 09/06/2019 14:17

Why not just speak to your ex and your son properly, no pressure on either of them?

Your son has two parents. As much as you both can, you should encourage and facilitate the celebration of these days for the sake of your child. If things are not great between you and your ex, you can still keep contact to a minimum.

"Would you like to swap Father's Day weekend to spend with Son?"
"Shit, yeah, I hadn't realised it was this weekend. Thank you."

Wheresthebeach · 09/06/2019 14:18

You swapped last year so he’s probably just assuming that the same will happen this year. You are being unreasonable in the extreme to plan Father’s Day with your DH.

Stop playing games and pick up the phone and text/call him.

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2019 14:18

It's not your job to arrange your XH's contact for him, it is up to him to ask if he wants DS on that day. He is a grown man who is capable of asking a simple question.

Such a horrible rigid way of thinking, considering there's a child involved here.

Nothing wrong with simply sending a text.

"Just checking you're aware it's Father's Day soon. What do you want to do".

Sometimes it's nice to be nice, especially for your kid's sake. Not every little tiny thing has to be about point scoring.

Imnotbent · 09/06/2019 14:19

Why would you want to keep contact to a minimum, it’s up to you to make the effort for your son, asking why should I is so infantile, just ask ffs why make it difficult?

Imnotbent · 09/06/2019 14:22

No one is saying you have to arrange it or think for your ex. Nor does your son have to explicitly ask to go. You asked if you WBU not to offer and the unanimous answer is yes.

BobbyBaratheon · 09/06/2019 14:24

Maybe he's assumed that because you swapped last year you'll just continue doing so in the future.

VimFuego101 · 09/06/2019 14:25

Asking in a nonchalant way is exactly what DSD would have done - she was trying not to cause upset to one parent by voicing a wish to see the other. I would put your son first, and ask. How would you feel if ex arranged something with your son and a girlfriend on Mother's Day?

FenellaMaxwell · 09/06/2019 14:26

Ok, so what happens next time Mother’s Day falls on his weekend? Do you think he’ll be bending over backwards to swap weekends next time if you’re an arse about this one....?

myhamster · 09/06/2019 14:26

It is not a rigid way of thinking, it is dealing with a situation. My XH sees DC as and when he feels like it, sometimes going weeks between visits. I gave up Mothers Day with her this year as he asked to see her as it was right after her birthday and he hadn't seen her for 8 weeks at that point. I don't need a special day, I have her 99% of the time thanks to his lack of contact.

So no, I am not in a rigid way of thinking. it is simply not my job to think, oh its Fathers Day this weekend, he hasn't asked to see her, what if he wants to, what should I do etc etc.

I spent years thinking he might want to do this, or might want to do that. i gave up when he went abroad the week she started school, when he didn't want her on Fathers Day, when he doesn't send her a birthday card, when he can't even be bothered to text her once a week.

But of course I should forget all of that in case he wants to see her on Fathers Day when he can often go weeks or months between visits......

It's not about point scoring, it's about a grown man being responsible for his own actions in life.

swingofthings · 09/06/2019 14:26

Your child asked if he was going to see his dad and you didn't follow by saying that it is up to him? Can't he ask his dad next time he sees him or call him? You should go with what your son wants.

EnjoyItAll · 09/06/2019 14:26

Has the fact you have already made plans with the step father got anything to do with not asking? All sounds a bit petty to me. Just send a text asking whether his seeing his son that weekend or not

ChicCroissant · 09/06/2019 14:27

YABU

Al2O3 · 09/06/2019 14:28

Why are you asking us when you should be listening to your son?

northerngirl2012 · 09/06/2019 14:30

Agree, I'd probably ask. Then when its your birthday, mothers day etc when it doesn't fall well, then you've a history of being able to compromise.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/06/2019 14:31

*He hasn’t asked me if he can have DS on Father’s Day though, so I don’t know who it’s up to to suggest it iyswim.

Your son has suggested it!!

Just text his Dad and say "DS is asking whether he'll be seeing you on Father's Day. Do you want to swap?" It's not difficult. You know exactly what you should do, you just don't want to.

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2019 14:32

myhamster how have you managed to make the situation about you, rather than the OP and her DS?

Your experience doesn't make the OP any less unreasonable here.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/06/2019 14:33

Why do so many people think it's up to you to facilitate fathers day for your X, you are separated so he has to facilitate for himself. Fathers day isn't hidden, it's all over the shops and tv, surely wife work stops when you split up!!

Dyrne · 09/06/2019 14:33

myhamster but can’t you see that your situation is wildly different from the OP’s, where clearly the Ex sees the son enough to plan ahead to swap mothers and fathers days around (as PP pointed out, they’re not even close together so would require a bit of forethought on behalf of the Ex).

OP - put aside the desire for point scoring long enough to send a quick text: “I’ve noticed Father’s Day is on my weekend, would you like to swap?”

It’s one thing to not have noticed, but the fact that you have noticed, DS has asked, and you’re deliberately being petty is sad.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/06/2019 14:34

Why do so many people think it's up to you to facilitate fathers day for your X, you are separated so he has to facilitate for himself. Because their child asked

Hippee · 09/06/2019 14:34

I think it would be best to give your ex the option. My DH isn't bothered about Father's Day and often is away at a sports event he particpates in that weekend - perhaps your ex is the same - but I would ask him anyway - that way, when Mother's Day falls on his weekend next time he can't say you didn't let him have your DS this time. Are you celebrating Father's Day with your DH, or will it not be mentioned?