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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not offered Father’s Day to Ex-H?

224 replies

vivalasvindaloo · 09/06/2019 13:52

Posting here as I’m not a lone parent (remarried).
Last year we swapped Mother’s Day and Father’s Day but mother’s day fell on my weekend anyway this year. Father’s Day also falls on DS (10) weekend with me. Ex hasn’t asked for time with DS on Father’s Day, but equally I haven’t offered. DS asked me if he was going to see his dad on Father’s Day, I had a nice day planned for me DS and his stepfather (my DH). Am I being U not offering it to the ex?

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 09/06/2019 14:06

Despite 100% telling you YABU you keep insisting that you're right so why waste everyone's time asking?

Sirzy · 09/06/2019 14:06

If it has been made the norm to swap for things like Father’s Day he is may have assumed that was the case this year.

You need to contact him and clarify plans assuming he will be with his dad

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2019 14:07

It’s DS weekend with us, surely ex would have asked if he wanted it?

Has it not occurred to you that your ex may be unaware at this point, that Father's Day is approaching?

I couldn't tell you when it is right now. I'd have to Google.

Just text and ask him or suggest your son texts him. This thread is just needless procrastination.

Original poster
vivalasvindaloo · 09/06/2019 14:07

I like to keep all contact with ex to a minimum. As I said last year ex had asked to swap as Mother’s Day fell on his weekend and father’s day on my weekend, so we swapped those days but this year he hasn’t bothered but I don’t know what time he would intend to swap as Mother’s Day DS was with me anyway! So as no request has been made by the ex I don’t really see why it’s up to me to be the one arranging it, I don’t see how that makes me an arse?

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 09/06/2019 14:07

How would you feel if it was the other way round?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/06/2019 14:07

Stop making excuses and ask your ex if he would like to spend some time on fathers day with his son.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/06/2019 14:07

Ask DS if he’d like you to see if his dad is free (at least for some of the day).

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2019 14:08

No-one is asking you to 'arrange' it. Stop exaggerating.

Geminijes · 09/06/2019 14:09

So as no request has been made by the ex I don’t really see why it’s up to me to be the one arranging it, I don’t see how that makes me an arse?

It makes you selfish though.

Nuttyaboutnutella · 09/06/2019 14:09

Yes,YABU.

SparklyMagpie · 09/06/2019 14:09

Sod you then OP, you're clearly only thinking about yourself.

All this tit for tat is pathetic.

Aslong ad you're happy eh

BlueMerchant · 09/06/2019 14:09

If you aren't too bothered about not seeing your son on mother's day then carry on with your own plans.
Maybe his Dad is assuming you will play fair as you swapped for mother's day last year and didn't feel he needed to ask.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/06/2019 14:09

“Hi ex, DS would like to see you on Sunday for father’s day. Would you like to switch this weekend so you two can have time together?”

That’s how to not be an arse. And your son knows you have him not yourself or his stepdad at heart.

BertrandRussell · 09/06/2019 14:10

Yes.

tisonlymeagain · 09/06/2019 14:10

YABU.

We have an agreement that Mothers Day, Fathers Day and mothers/fathers birthday are spent with the children. It's the right thing to do for everyone involved.

Tulips26 · 09/06/2019 14:10

Can't believe people are saying you sound like an awful person for asking a question. What a toxic forum.

You could ask your ex what he thinks or your DS what he wants. Maybe your ex hasn't realised it's father's day or maybe he just doesn't care. Would be very nice of you to check just in case it's the first reason :)

You could do the nice day out with your DH on the Saturday instead if your ex does want to spend Sunday with your DS? And then DS gets 2 father's days! :)

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2019 14:11

I've just Googled and it turns out it's Sunday 16th June.

Tbh if it had said any other Sunday this month or next month, I still couldn't have guessed.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/06/2019 14:12

And you should probably take ds out to get a little gift for his father as well

FriarTuck · 09/06/2019 14:12

Stop making excuses and ask your ex if he would like to spend some time on fathers day with his son.
This ^^. Be the better person. If you do this decent thing now then next time you want a favour from ex he should be more inclined to agree. But if you cant be bothered then don't be surprised if he takes the same view. It's called parenting - sometimes it involves doing things you'd rather not do like contacting exes.

sanmiguel · 09/06/2019 14:12

The right thing to do would be to ask ex if he wants an hour with DC on Father's Day. Chances are he's not realised what day it falls and a quick way of keeping things amicable and everyone (importantly, DC) happy.

TheInvestigator · 09/06/2019 14:13

Kids from split homes sometimes struggle to be blunt and say They want to spend time with the other parent, because they think they are telling you "I don't want you. I want him."
We know that's not what they're saying, but they don't want to upset anyone and can struggle to assert this kind of thing. When he asked if he was seeing his dad for father's day, I think it was his way of making you aware that he wanted too but without coming out and saying it so it didn't upset you.

But now you know. He wants to see his dad. Your job is to protect and advocate for your child, which means you call or message his dad and say "DS has mentioned that he'd like to see you on father's day, but we know it's not your weekend so if you can't make it work, then no harm done".

Keep it light. No accusations or rudeness. Just ask.

SmilingThroughIt · 09/06/2019 14:13

Well you clearly want to push your current husband to the front. Yabu, let the child spend his day with his dad. Maybe he just assumed that since last year he spent the days with each each parent, you would do the same this year. A quick text to your ex would solve this, why would anyone here know ??

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/06/2019 14:14

As I said last year ex had asked to swap as Mother’s Day fell on his weekend and father’s day on my weekend So your ex, who you are trying to avoid, thought it through and offered a swap.

Your DS asked if he was seeing his dad and you didn't ask if he wanted to just carried on with your own plans which included not seeing his his DF but spending Father's Day with your DH?

Is that how your DS might view it?

myhamster · 09/06/2019 14:14

YANBU. As you say, last year he asked, this year he hasn't. I asked XH the first year if he wanted DC on that day, his reply was that it wouldn't mean anything to them. I never asked again.

It's not your job to arrange your XH's contact for him, it is up to him to ask if he wants DS on that day. He is a grown man who is capable of asking a simple question.

TheInvestigator · 09/06/2019 14:15

@vivalasvindaloo

This sentence "I don't see why I should" sort of sums up for attitude.

Your his mum. You're the one he has asked about fathers day and see his dad. So you're the one who has to ask. That's your job. You might be split up from his dad but you're still coparenting a child and you don't get to put your feelings ahead of your son's.