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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not offered Father’s Day to Ex-H?

224 replies

vivalasvindaloo · 09/06/2019 13:52

Posting here as I’m not a lone parent (remarried).
Last year we swapped Mother’s Day and Father’s Day but mother’s day fell on my weekend anyway this year. Father’s Day also falls on DS (10) weekend with me. Ex hasn’t asked for time with DS on Father’s Day, but equally I haven’t offered. DS asked me if he was going to see his dad on Father’s Day, I had a nice day planned for me DS and his stepfather (my DH). Am I being U not offering it to the ex?

OP posts:
MRex · 09/06/2019 16:44

It's very sad to have communication at such a low point that you can't just ask if he wants Father's day. Presumably he's not a bad father as you haven't said so? A quick text "Father's Day is next Sunday 16th, you haven't asked to swap a day, do you want to? We have plans including DS but he asked if he was seeing you or not, so I'll need to know promptly what you want to do."

CandyflossKing · 09/06/2019 16:44

Where does it say that the ex suggested swapping last year?! More likely that OP wanted Mother's day and asked him to swap! If he was bothered he would have asked.

gamerwidow · 09/06/2019 16:45

If your DS asked about whether or not he is seeing his dad on Fathers Day he is bothered. He likely won’t push it because he doesn’t want to hurt you and your DPs feelings but if he didn’t care less he wouldn’t have mentioned it.
For DS’s sake ask your exDH quietly to give him the option. Its goodwill in the bank for next time for you too!

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/06/2019 16:47

I think the fact that your DS has asked if he’s seeing his dad is an indication that he wants to. You’d be petty and unreasonable to not facilitate this.

Alsohuman · 09/06/2019 16:53

@Cabyflossking, p2 OP says ex offered to swap for mothers’ day HTH.

wallowinwater · 09/06/2019 16:54

I'm amazed everyone in Mumsnet think Father’s Day is sooo significant, is it? Really? It didn't exist when I was growing up, but all of a sudden it's like child abuse if OP doesn't make her child see his father??? Get a grip.

Beansandcoffee · 09/06/2019 16:56

One of our roles as parents is to teach children how to behave and that includes being kind and thoughtful and reasonable. Your son, should spend the day with his father and not your H. You are being 100% unreasonable and let’s hope Mothering Sunday doesn’t fall on his weekend in the future.

stucknoue · 09/06/2019 16:57

If his dad wants his company then you should offer it but of course his dad needs to ask or ds needs to ask his dad and let you know times, by that age he should be beginning to arrange contact himself

Dyrne · 09/06/2019 17:02

@wallowinwater that’s such a sad attitude. I love my dad, he’s been amazing all my life and always wish him a happy Father’s Day. DP loves getting his cold toast and half eaten chocolate from the DC’s as much as I enjoy it on Mother’s Day.

WhiteDust · 09/06/2019 17:08

Why would you make plans before talking to your EX? He gave you Mothers day last year on his day with DS. Do the same back.

Father's Day is for your EX and his son not you & your new husband.

BertrandRussell · 09/06/2019 17:11

“by that age he should be beginning to arrange contact himself”

Absolutely not in this context. Children should never be made to choose. And I have no doubt he knows that his mum has already made plans with the step dad.

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2019 17:18

I'm amazed everyone in Mumsnet think Father’s Day is sooo significant, is it? Really? It didn't exist when I was growing up, but all of a sudden it's like child abuse if OP doesn't make her child see his father??? Get a grip.

Ahh I see. So the next time the 10 year old child asks his mum if he's seeing his dad on Father's day, she should just tell him it wasn't a thing when she was growing up and he should get a grip.

Sorted...

Allhailthesun · 09/06/2019 17:23

Last year both parties swapped not just Mother’s Day as people are implying.
Why has his dad not asked if he was coming round? I don’t think it warrants making it into a case of emotional child abuse.Fathers Day is a relativity new commercial event unlike Mothering Sunday.

babbi · 09/06/2019 17:26

Definitely offer your DS to be with his dad on Fathers Day ...
bewildered as to why you wouldn’t tbh ...
Of course he should be with his dad ..

Lizzie48 · 09/06/2019 17:27

A 10 year old doesn't ask whether he's seeing his dad on Father's Day if he doesn't actually want to see him. He has a good relationship with his dad so of course he wants to see him. He might end up thinking his dad was asked and said no.

You should definitely ask your ex, OP, especially as he was willing to swap weekends so you had Mother's Day with your DS.

wallowinwater · 09/06/2019 17:27

Ahh I see. So the next time the 10 year old child asks his mum if he's seeing his dad on Father's day, she should just tell him it wasn't a thing when she was growing up and he should get a grip.

Hardly the point I was making, the point I was making is Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are just a made up load of commercial shite. Why is a specific day needed to show a mum, dad, step mum, step dad you appreciate and love them? It's not. Mother's or Father's Day dosen't make or break a child's relationship with their parent. AND it's not the OP's job to do her x's parenting admin.*

WhiteRedRose · 09/06/2019 17:29

Yabvvvu and you know you are. He wants to see his Dad so raise it with his Dad.

BertrandRussell · 09/06/2019 17:30

“Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are just a made up load of commercial shite.”

I actually agree with this. But once you’ve started celebrating as a family, you can’t actually stop. And the OP appears to have made Father’s Day plans anyway except involving the step dad not the dad. Which is pretty crap for the kid, frankly.

nokidshere · 09/06/2019 17:30

You know you are being unreasonable or you wouldn't have asked.

When your son said "am I seeing dad on Father's Day" your response should have been "I'm not sure, do you want to"? And then the nice thing to do for your son would have been to text his dad and say "it's Father's Day on Sunday, do you want to see x?".

And YABVU making arrangements for your son without checking if his dad would like to see him first.

It's not wifework, it's not pandering, it's just about being a fair parent to your child regardless of what the issues are between you and his dad. The way that you behave does not depend on the way his dad behaves.

namechangedforthis1980 · 09/06/2019 17:31

I always offer for DS to go to his Dads, even if neither of them have said anything. I'd want DS on Mother's Day so I feel it puts me in a good place to expect that. Also I feel they should be together! DS is 15 and I've been married to his step dad for 11 years, he's effectively brought him up ( Ex very much doesn't get involved in day to day stuff) but I still acknowledge that he should be with his Dad over his step dad.

CreakingKnees · 09/06/2019 17:34

YABU OP.
If your son has expressed a wish to see his Father on that day then what is wrong with sending a quick text to your ex saying so? It's hardly taking any of your time and not a hardship to do so.
He is still your son's Father. It is important to assist that bond between them whatever your personal feelings may be.

Eliza9919 · 09/06/2019 17:37

but I don't know what time he would intend to swap

Surely letting him have one extra day wouldn't kill you Hmm

BertrandRussell · 09/06/2019 17:40

“I would offer to swap, unless you're not bothered about perhaps not having him on Mother's Day ”

She should offer to swap because that is right for the child

Ginger1982 · 09/06/2019 17:41

@wallowinwater and @Allhailthesun Father's Day has been around as long as I can remember. Why shouldn't it be seen as 'important' as Mother's Day? Do dads just not matter?

randomchap · 09/06/2019 17:43

FFS, mother's day with mum, fathers day with dad. Be flexible, swap, support your DS and co-parent. Don't play stupid bugger games with your child's happiness.

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