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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not offered Father’s Day to Ex-H?

224 replies

vivalasvindaloo · 09/06/2019 13:52

Posting here as I’m not a lone parent (remarried).
Last year we swapped Mother’s Day and Father’s Day but mother’s day fell on my weekend anyway this year. Father’s Day also falls on DS (10) weekend with me. Ex hasn’t asked for time with DS on Father’s Day, but equally I haven’t offered. DS asked me if he was going to see his dad on Father’s Day, I had a nice day planned for me DS and his stepfather (my DH). Am I being U not offering it to the ex?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/06/2019 14:35

No-one's asking the OP to facilitate FFS

Just to simply send a text as her DS has asked about Father's day.

Or at least advise her son to ring his dad and find out.

Goldmandra · 09/06/2019 14:36

I don’t know what time he would intend to swap as Mother’s Day DS was with me anyway!

Why is your son required to make up the time with you if he wants to see his dad on Father's Day?

You do know that contact is for the child's benefit, don't you? You need to change how you think about it.

Presumably your DS is capable of contacting his dad independently and asking if he can visit? If so, suggest he does that and facilitate it as far as is reasonable.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/06/2019 14:36

Their child didn't say he wanted to see his Dad on Fathers day he asked what was happening.

Dyrne · 09/06/2019 14:36

And for god’s sake, it’s not “facilitating”, “wifework” or “doing all the effort” to send ONE text.

PanamaPattie · 09/06/2019 14:36

YANBU. If ex wants Father's Day, it's up to him to organise it. You would day sort out Mother's Day wouldn't you? You are not ex's secretary. If DS desperately wants to spend the day with his Dad, then that's another thing.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/06/2019 14:37

So Dad can send one text.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/06/2019 14:37

If ex hasn't noticed, it can't be that important to him, can it. It's not your job to track his feels

My DH hasnt realised that next weekend is fathers day yet. My DF probably hasnt either. But they will both get gifts from and spend some time with their DCs without the need to mention it.

Fairenuff · 09/06/2019 14:37

I think it's sad that the boy even had to ask.

Neither of his parents thought to ask him what he would like to do.

Sirzy · 09/06/2019 14:38

So if next year both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day fall on his weekends you will happily wave him off for mother’s day?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 09/06/2019 14:39

Just send the text. If your ex cba then so be it but at least you tried

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2019 14:39

Their child didn't say he wanted to see his Dad on Fathers day he asked what was happening.

Which many sensible posters have pointed out, this if often a child's way of 'testing the water', without 'upsetting' the parent they're asking.

Given the OP's attitude, it wouldn't surprise me if the child felt he had to do this.

Dyrne · 09/06/2019 14:39

Disfordarkchocolate this isn’t about petty “he should do it”. OP should be the bigger person for her son’s sake and let him spend time with his father on Father’s Day.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/06/2019 14:41

Their child didn't say he wanted to see his Dad on Fathers day he asked what was happening. Yes. And from OPs own words, she just ignored anything he may have wanted and got on with her own plans. She won't know what her DS wants, she didn't think to ask and the moment has now passed!

Maybe her DS won't give it another thought Maybe he will harbour some resentment. Who knows? Not OP....

Dyrne · 09/06/2019 14:42

OP if anything, see this as an opportunity to get one over on your Ex by showing how magnanimous you can be, graciously offering DS to be with him on Father’s Day even though it’s contrary to the agreed contact schedule. That way he doesn’t have any excuse to play the “my bitter ex won’t even let me spend time with my son on Father’s Day”. You come out the hero on this.

nancyclancy123 · 09/06/2019 14:42

YABVU!!!! Why are you making this into an issue? Your ds should be encouraged to spend the day with his dad if that’s what he wants to do, so what if nothings been mentioned yet.
Why don’t you just ask them both and be an adult????

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/06/2019 14:43

It's not being petty to expect the X to be an adult, if someone else always steps up to be the bigger person he never will.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/06/2019 14:43

Did the child ask explicitly to spend Mothers day with you last year OP. Or did you all assume he would want to?

AuchAyeTheNo · 09/06/2019 14:43

Best thing to do is ask your ds what he would like to do? Either see his dad or spend it with you guys.

If he says his dad then contact exh and tell him, then at least you’ve tried for your ds sake.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/06/2019 14:43

If DS desperately wants to spend the day with his Dad, then that's another thing. Except OP won't know, as she didn't ask. She just carried on regardless, as far as she has said here.

The kid is 10 years old... asking a question is a common way to open a subject. OP should have asked, should have been more open to what her son might have wanted. But she didn't because she wants to keep contact with her ex to a minimum.. and spend Fathers Day with her DH and DS.

That is NOT keeping the child's interests first and foremost!

MitziK · 09/06/2019 14:44

'Did you want to swap weekends around for Father's Day next Sunday or keep it as it is?'

ANSWER: 'Yes' - No problem, I'll let him know. 'Of course I fucking do what do you think I am.....' No problem, I'll let him know, 'Can't do it, work' - No problem, I'll let him know, 'I'm out' - No problem.

Saves all the hassle of him assuming it's happening, him getting shitty if he contacts at the last moment, DS not knowing until then and, out of all the bollocks you can get from an ex on contacting them, it's likely to be the least likely to get him pissed off and being more of an arse than usual to you.

(It was my principle on contacting the XCF on a particular day to see whether he would like an extra bit of contact - if he'd said no, it wouldn't have been an issue, but he never, ever refused on that particular day. Committing myself to it would have come back to bite me on my arse, but it didn't hurt me to at least give him the opportunity, and he never complained about it).

chocatoo · 09/06/2019 14:44

YABU. Be kind and text his Dad. You don’t know when you might be glad of the chance to ask the other way round.

PerfectPenquins · 09/06/2019 14:44

Kids rely on their parents to sort this kind of stuff, your son asked I would take that as a prompt to ask your ex. You do seem to be deliberately trying to make this a day for your partner and your son. I hope you don't miss mothers day next year if your ex decides to be so selfish.

Wheresthebeach · 09/06/2019 14:45

Have you told DS about your ‘nice day’ you’ve already planned?

This is more than just not bothering to get in touch to check, this is making active plans with the step father on Fathers Day. Not on.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/06/2019 14:45

Dark The ex did. Last year he offered to swap so OP could have her child on Mother's Day - which is months before Fathers Day. He did do the adult thing. It is OP who seems not to be able to do the same.

Lifeover · 09/06/2019 14:47

Tell your ex DS has asked to see him. If he can he should spend Father’s Day with his DAd

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