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AIBU?

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Original poster

Transgender relative, don't know where to start...

305 replies

NameChangerAmI · 08/06/2019 11:35

Deliberately haven't posted in feminism, and don't want any haters, please.

Someone in my family (we are quite close, I love this person very much,) is trans (male to female transition).

We were having a conversation the other week, in which it was stated, as a fact, that this person has always been a girl/woman, and was just born in the wrong body.

I don't agree that either this person has ever been a "girl/woman" or ever will be a woman. I respect diversity more than many, but really wanted to say, "transwoman, not woman," but just felt that it was too controversial and goady.

I'm not very up to date with all trans issues and terminology. I think if I disagree about anything else, we would have a reasoned discussion and agree to disagree, but I know from previous comments and discussions that if I state my case, I'll be seen as wrong, not understanding, being ignorant, etc, and the problem will lie with me.

Not sure what I'm asking, but wanted to hear wide ranging views.

Would you just let it go, or approach it next time this issue comes up in conversation?

OP posts:
Cinderella812 · 08/06/2019 11:36

I let it go. I'm not in the business of upsetting people I love, particularly if there's no positive outcome from that. I can't see how any good could come from correcting her?

spongedog · 08/06/2019 11:40

She is entitled to her views about her transition. It might be more palatable for her family, friends, colleagues to accept her transition if they believe that she was born in the wrong body. Could you ask her about some of the issues that are starting to arise eg impact to data for women's health issues, women only single spaces. etc. She may become a supporter.

Soyloprohibido · 08/06/2019 11:42

Transgender people already have massive suicide and attempted suicide rates. Making clear to someone you claim to love that you don't accept them isn't going to help with that.

AphidEater · 08/06/2019 11:42

I don’t think you should say anything. You’re absolutely entitled to your own view on the matter, but what would you gain by trying to force it on her? It will only alienate her, regardless of your intentions.

araiwa · 08/06/2019 11:43

If you cant be supportive , keep your mouth shut

Justbreathing · 08/06/2019 11:44

Yes just let it go. It will be very hard for them. Regardless of what people on here say. And they’re an individual and being hurt by a close family member would be really tough.

Do not get into an argument over it. It’s happened to me as well. And actually changed a lot of my perspectives on the whole thing. My person was very close to suicide and if they hadn’t have transitioned then I am pretty sure they wouldn’t be here anymore. They certainly didn’t want their life to be like this. So be as supportive as you can.

Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 08/06/2019 11:45

Thanks Cinderella I think you speak a lot of sense. It's been niggling tbh, but I should just put it to the back of my mind.

Trouble is, whenever we get together, it all becomes about her transgender journey - I get that it's all consuming to live it, but it seems to be at the exclusion of everyone and everything else.

I'm probably being a bit selfish. And waffling, obviously! Grin

OP posts:
rededucator · 08/06/2019 11:45

I agree with PP no good can come from insisting she's not a woman, only a trans woman, it's got an unkind ring to it.

terfsandwich · 08/06/2019 11:45

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MrsMiggins37 · 08/06/2019 11:46

You can be supportive without accepting the “born in the wrong body” and “always been a woman” narrative though.

Fallofrain · 08/06/2019 11:46

No good is going to come from saying anything .If this person is trans, and you tell her that you believe that she will never be a woman and has never been a woman, it will not end well.

Do not deliberately engage her on goady questions as suggested above.

AnActualWoman · 08/06/2019 11:46

I'd let it go for friends/family but would stick to "they" or their name.

They know they aren't a woman, never have been and never will be. You know it. I know it. Everyone else knows it. Iiwm I'd just politely leave the room if the subject comes up.

FriarTuck · 08/06/2019 11:47

Trying to explain to her - best not. Trying to explain to someone else - perfectly reasonable (unless they'll go to her and say something). There's nothing wrong with respectful discussion (i.e. 'my view is that... but I understand that you feel that...., let's agree to differ') but tact might suggest that you don't say it directly to her.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 08/06/2019 11:47

I wouldn't argue the point for the sake of it but neither would I agree with her that TWAW when that's not my own belief, so I'd stay as non-committal as possible if that particular point was under discussion and just concentrate on making sure she has access to whatever support she needs.

HiJenny35 · 08/06/2019 11:47

I agree with her. I believe 100% that someone can be born in the wrong body and she is a woman not a trans woman. However you believe differently, if you love her I don't know why you would want to upset her, just don't discuss it and say I can accept however you want to live your life. I'm not quite sure why people feel they would know better than the person living it.

UnicornBrexit · 08/06/2019 11:47

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Sparklesocks · 08/06/2019 11:47

I think as you are very close to and love this person they may be hurt if you tell them you don’t believe them to be that gender. It’s one thing to share your view but if it causes them pain and upset I’m not sure i would fo it.

FriarTuck · 08/06/2019 11:49

Trouble is, whenever we get together, it all becomes about her transgender journey - I get that it's all consuming to live it, but it seems to be at the exclusion of everyone and everything else.
I think that's probably the same with any big issue in someone's life. It doesn't mean you have to talk about it incessantly though - it's fine to steer the conversation away onto more interesting (to you) topics.

Justbreathing · 08/06/2019 11:49

Well it’s a new thing for them! Of course they’ll go on about it. My relative did for a long time. They don’t anymore.

@terfsandwich that’s just a dickish thing to say.
This person is discussing an individual.

Oysterbabe · 08/06/2019 11:49

Of course you let it go. You would have to be a special kind of arsehole to raise it.

Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 08/06/2019 11:50

Ah lots of other replies - thank you everyone. I won't mention it. So glad I asked for advice, as I think I probably would have brought it up next time.

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 08/06/2019 11:51

I think my views are the same as yours.

There is no happy ending to this debate between you & this person, and I think it would be a choice between your views & the relationship.

I would however be compelled to shut down any talk on TERF scum, #nodebate or similar. I think that would be the point where it would all blow up for me, but I cannot abide anyone who tried to suppress women's voices. We've had enough of that shit.

eurochick · 08/06/2019 11:51

I'd probably let it go and support them. I expect the person has been desperately unhappy and think this is the answer to all their problems. It almost certainly won't be. They will still be ill at ease with themself but now with added fake hormones, etc in the mix.

If they started campaigning for things that harm women's rights, I'd unleash my gender critical side at that point!

RiversDisguise · 08/06/2019 11:51

Kindness always wins. This person sounds mixed up and in need of your love and support.

I would take a softly softly approach... but I would also be careful not to agree when they used the word "woman." If words like "Terf" or "cis" came out, that would indicate that they had likely been exposed to some extremely unpleasant antiwoman propaganda, and then I would have to task them to task.

ButterflyBitch · 08/06/2019 11:51

God forbid you say anything with an unkind ring to it Hmm no, you shall pussyfoot around the person who’s entire world revolves around themselves now. Otherwise it’s literal violence innit.
I know you love them but do you never disagree with anyone else you love? You don’t have to be mean but you can explain your feelings without being cruel. If they love you then they will understand surely? It’s not just about them, there are other
People in the world too.