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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

359 replies

Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:26

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 07/06/2019 18:28

Yanbu to be so sensitive. Shame your so called friend is being so, imo, callous.
Sorry for your loss. I wouldn't be seeing your so called friend anytime soon.
Nobody owns a name according to mn but in this instance she should have chosen another.

TitianaTitsling · 07/06/2019 18:29

Is there a chance she thought you would see this as a tribute to him?

pessimisticstateofperception · 07/06/2019 18:29

I dont think your friend was wrong to use the name. Although she could have handled telling you a bit better.

Equally I don't think your feelings are wrong either.

If you find it too painful then remove yourself from the friendship, you have to look after yourself and your own mental health

AlwaysCheddar · 07/06/2019 18:31

Is it too late to change it? I’d say something, as I think this will affect your friendship now. It will be hard to see her and hear his name mentioned all the time.

Reallynowdear · 07/06/2019 18:31

Goodness, I realise no-one 'owns' a name but this really does seem too close to home. For your maid of honour to do this under the circumstances seems incredibly insensitive so no, YANBU at all.

I am so sorry for your loss x

Original poster

Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:31

Thank you, I expect the ‘ you don’t own the name ‘ responses, but in my heart I do because of my husband as silly as it sounds. I don’t believe it’s a tribute as I feel she would have spoken to me about it first or announced his name to me separately from other people with the explanation. I found out from a facebook post.

OP posts:

purplelila2 · 07/06/2019 18:31

I think it depends on the name ? And if it's a really common name .
Like John or Steve then she probably didnt even realise.

Ginger1982 · 07/06/2019 18:32

So sorry for your loss.
Perhaps if she had discussed it with you and said it was something they were thinking about, you might have felt differently? it seems very cruel too not to 'own it' now.

Has she been a good friend to you since your loss other than this?

Ginger1982 · 07/06/2019 18:33

@purplelila2 if she didn't realise then she's not much of a friend.

AppleKatie · 07/06/2019 18:33

John or Steve are not common baby names in 2019.

You would definitely realise.

WallisFrizz · 07/06/2019 18:33

A decent friend would have had a conversation about this with you and asked your views. No matter how much I loved a name, I would not use it if I thought it would cause a friend pain. And obviously, given your situation she could have expected that it would be a sensitive issue.

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 07/06/2019 18:34

Sorry you feel hurt OP but it's unlikely your friend has done this to upset you

Perhaps she loves the name and sees using it as a tribute to your late DH?

I agree that she should have discussed her plans with you really but assuming the name isn't particularly unusual then it was inevitable that at some point someone you know will use the name for their baby DS

TanMateix · 07/06/2019 18:34

I would agree with you if the name was rare or exceptional, but I think that with the name being in the top 20, it is unreasonable to be angry with your friend.

I understand why you may find it painful, but with it being a popular name, I don’t think you are right to feel offfended.

MumW · 07/06/2019 18:35

I can't even tell you the impact this has had on me. I'm unbelievably upset because I thought he would back me. I just don't know what to do.

I wondered this but then thought that, if that would was the case she would have said, we're thinking of xxx if it's a boy, after your husband.

The fact she said nothing and won't discuss it shows that she knew you'd be shocked and upset but didn't care.

MumW · 07/06/2019 18:37

Quote should've been
Is there a chance she thought you would see this as a tribute to him?
Don't quite know what happened, other than me not noticing it hadn't copied.

chardonm · 07/06/2019 18:37

I think she probably always wanted to use the name; and was embarrassed because of what it would mean to you. That's why she was a bit shifty about telling you.

I understand how you feel. I would try to let it go though.

CoraPirbright · 07/06/2019 18:38

Goodness, I realise no-one 'owns' a name but this really does seem too close to home. For your maid of honour to do this under the circumstances seems incredibly insensitive so no, YANBU at all.
^
Totally agree with Reallynowdear.

blackteasplease · 07/06/2019 18:38

I was thinking I was going to say YABU until o saw the circumstances and that your husband has sadly passed away. YANBU and I think it was v callous of her. The less common the name the more unreasonable of her I think.

So sorry for your loss

IHeartArya · 07/06/2019 18:38

I’m sorry for your loss. But with the greatest of respect your friend chose a popular name. She may not even have considered that it was also your husband’s name.

My dd has a dear friends name as her middle name. We’d always liked it as a name & picked it as her middle name because we liked it. Nothing to do with our friend. It would probably have been dds first name but Greeks name after grandparents so we had no choice for first names.

I think maybe talk to her?

Wintersnowdrop · 07/06/2019 18:38

I’m so sorry for your loss. I do think you are being over sensitive here though. I just had a look at the top 20 boys names and a lot of them are very common, Charlie, George, Joshua etc. The top 20 names are very common. A lot of us will know multiple people with the same name.

TwistedBiscuit · 07/06/2019 18:39

I’m really sorry for your loss.

I agree it depends on the name. A top 20 name probably wouldn’t even register with me. For example I know Davids, Georges and Williams of all ages.

I would give it some time before addressing it with her (she’s just given birth!) and I can understand your devastation. I’d like to suggest, in the kindest possible way, that it’s possible that you’re being very slightly and understandably unreasonable. I wouldn’t throw away a 15-year friendship just yet.

Have a big unMumsnetty internet hug and give yourself some time to think all of this over

icelander89 · 07/06/2019 18:39

Oh OP, I’m so sorry, this is such a horrid situation to be in your feelings are completely valid.
I’d be extremely upset too- not so much because it’s your husband’s name but more so that you were ttc and would have used his name for a son. As a PP said, that’s too close to home especially in such circumstances.

DuffBeer · 07/06/2019 18:41

Given the circumstances, no, she should not have done this.

Very insensitive.

Totaldogsbody · 07/06/2019 18:42

I think Yabu, you are still grieving and are understandably sensitive at the moment but you say it is in the top 20 popular names maybe she just likes the name or as Titiana said used it as a tribute to him feeling you would appreciate it. As you say you will probably come across it quite often. I'm sorry for your loss OP, You are young to have lost someone so dear to you, don't make a mistake by losing a dear friend to.

hazandduck · 07/06/2019 18:43

So sorry for your loss, OP. How incredibly difficult and cruel life can be.

I too am wondering if it was a kind of clumsy attempt at a tribute to your Dh? It would be a shame to lose your friendship, if she was your MoH she clearly means a lot to you and you need the support of good friends now. X

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