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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

359 replies

Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:26

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Susannach · 07/06/2019 20:02

YANBU, and I’m normally of the “no one owns a name” school of thought.

This was just plain hurtful of her; there’s no way she didn’t realise and she obviously knew it would upset you, which is why she didn’t tell you her boy name beforehand, and deflected questions about it afterwards.

I’d be reconsidering the friendship, to be brutally honest. I know that sounds extreme over a baby name, but she’s shown complete disregard for your feelings at a really vulnerable time. So sorry for your loss, OP.

Billballbaggins · 07/06/2019 20:05

She is no friend. If she was she would have at least spoken to you about it beforehand instead of catching you off guard. Sorry OP she is not your friend.

Malyshek · 07/06/2019 20:05

Well, this is a tough one but here's my perspective.

  • no one mentioned this before, but the op's husband was also her friend's friend for 15 years. Is it so inconceivable she chose the name in his memory ? She may also have loved the name very much and not any other. Maybe she associates it with special moments in her life. I think cause and intent matter here.
  • I fully agree she should have told you. But she probably knew this would be an upsetting subject for you. She was probably being non-confrontational (and to everyone who said she's a coward - you're only allowed to judge if you were never a coward in your lives. Otherwise, kindness can and should go both ways). She probably didn't know how to talk to you about it, OP, and then the baby was there and it was too late. She probably feels very awkward, possibly also guilty, and didn't want to talk about it - especially if there were other people in the room.
  • about her not telling you she was in labour, I can understand her. I didn't tell anyone but one person. I love my friends just fine but I just didn't want them there. I wanted to deal with it myself and see them after the birth. Obviously, it's différent if she told everyone but you ; then I'd be wondering why. That said she may not have had a whole lot of time if the baby came quickly /unexpectedly.
  • I feel like people are super quick to tell you to ditch the friendship. That's easy to say from behind a keyboard, when you're not the one who invested 15 years in a special relationship with someone ! OP, I wouldn't do anything before I've had a chance to speak with your friend. If you feel too emotional to talk, you could write. Explain how you feel to her and see how she reacts ; then you'll have a better idea what kind of friend she is. And you might feel better if you understand her motivations better.

What I think happened is, your friend loved the name. She also associated it with positive things and possibly used it in tribute to someone (either your dh or someone else). She probably considered other names, that she didn't like so much. She probably thought that she should tell you, many times, but then never got round to it. She didn't want to upset you, she didn't know how to tell you, so she just postponed telling you. Maybe she thought you'd be happy that there would be a baby bearing his name after all.

Then she saw you, and probably realized you were in fact devastated, and she felt guilty and awkward. And she was tired and there were people around and she just didn't feel up to a confrontation.

Your feelings are so valid, OP. It must feel like salt rubbing on a wound. Your friend probably thought you'd be upset (hence why she was scared to broach the subject) but she didn't realize how much you'd be hurt. And she probably doesn't know how to fix it now.

OP, give yourself time. She'll be super busy with the baby anyway. Give her and yourself time to process. And then, when you're up to it, speak with her.

Sagradafamiliar · 07/06/2019 20:05

Oh gosh I'm so sorry Thanks
It's a baffling one. I can think of no reason a friend would be so malicious, all I can guess is that in a haze of hormones, she might've thought the name would be a nice 'surprise' hence not asking you about it. With your reaction, she's gone quiet as she's realised she's done something actually really misjudged and is mortified? All just guesswork OP, but I'd like to think there was no ill intent.

Amibeingdaft81 · 07/06/2019 20:07

A true friend of 15 years wouldn't have done this. She would have sat you down and asked your opinion

No. She would not have even sat down with you and asked your opinion. She simply would not have done it. Even if it was her favourite boy’s name since a child.

Sagradafamiliar · 07/06/2019 20:09

...and I agree with PPs that no one names a baby using a name with personal bad connotations, if that's any comfort. So she must connect it to good thoughts of good people.

crazyasafox · 07/06/2019 20:09

I am very much in the 'you don't own a name' camp, but in this instance, I agree the friend was being unreasonable. She should have asked you @Ifonly86

I am sorry for your loss, and I hope you're OK. Give your lovely daughter a hug! Flowers

MaximusHeadroom · 07/06/2019 20:10

YANBU

We had a girls name for when I had DC1 because we didn't know the sex. DC 1 was a boy and then by the time I got pregnant with DD1, I had made friends with a woman who had a stillborn baby and she had used the girls name we had chosen.

We still loved the name and I could still have used it but I knew it might cause pain to a friend so we used something else.

It is not a big sacrifice to make to avoid causing additional pain to a friend who has gone through a tragedy

Amibeingdaft81 · 07/06/2019 20:12

It is not a big sacrifice to make to avoid causing additional pain to a friend who has gone through a tragedy

This

LeavesAndGreenTrees · 07/06/2019 20:14

It’s very insensitive of your friend OP. I’m so sorry you lost your husband Flowers

Montsti · 07/06/2019 20:17

Yanbu - I would end the so called “friendship”...

willstarttomorrow · 07/06/2019 20:17

Also just to add, your friend should have had a conversation with you about this. But I am sure you know that people are so uncomfortable will death and those grief. Honestly the people who came through for us and allowed us to be sad and angry are defiantly not those I would have expected to be my my saviours. I am not excusing your friend's actions but just because people are the ones closest to us does not mean they are the best at understanding and managing how we feel. My own mother did not mention DH once during my first visit to my parents following his death (and the place they lived in we had only visited together, including quite recently together). It caused me considerable pain and a massive meltdown to her on the phone afterwards but she genuinally did not understand how hurtful it was and could not deal with my feelings when I tried to tell her.

BishopofBathandWells · 07/06/2019 20:18

I think if it were me personally, I'd attempt to rationalise it but I would never get over the hurt of it. Because there are hundreds of potential names out there. It's not about owning a name. It's about that name representing, I'd imagine, a path in life that will now never be taken.

If my friend didn't understand why that might be devastating to me, then I honestly wouldn't be able to continue the friendship.

I can only assume pregnancy hormones have made her crazy - God knows I was for a lot of my pregnancy! Perhaps her defensiveness comes from her knowing that the OP will be upset but thinking "sod it, nobody's going to dictate to me what my child is called."

Lilymossflower · 07/06/2019 20:19

I first thought that she must have done it as a tribute for him

But given her response when you asked her , it doesnt look like this is the case!!

Sounds like she just wanted the name and didn't care !
So no, you aren't being unreasonable !

RaffertyFair · 07/06/2019 20:25

Malyshek

  • no one mentioned this before, but the op's husband was also her friend's friend for 15 years. Is it so inconceivable she chose the name in his memory?

No, the woman was OP's best friend for 15 years and knew her DH for the 8 years they were together.

impossible · 07/06/2019 20:27

Tell her. Whether she's right or wrong, if you're going to find it difficult to watch her ds grow up with that name you should say so and let her decide.

It sounds like a common name so she may just be being thoughtless. Or it might be a name she's always wanted if for a ds. Talk to her about it and then let it go. If she's been a good friend in other ways don't make a meal of this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/06/2019 20:31

Well yes "no one owns a name" blah blah

But that is being an utter cow. And her not saying a word about it or discussing it with you screams that she knew how you would feel but did it anyway.

This is no friend.

carla1983 · 07/06/2019 20:34

YANBU in my opinion. I would feel very upset given the circumstances, too.

Ginger1982 · 07/06/2019 20:38

@sonjadog my bad. You're quite right 😊

Whoops75 · 07/06/2019 20:38

She isn’t a good friend op

It is selfish and cruel imo

DesertSky · 07/06/2019 20:40

Sorry for your loss OP. It must have been such a difficult time for you and your little girl loosing her daddy too. Big hugs.
I really do not agree with posters re your friend doing nothing wrong. She was your best friend of 15 years. She witnessed you loosing your husband. She knew you were trying for another baby before your husband passed away and that’d you would name him after his dad had it been a boy. To go and choose the same name and so close after your husband’s passing is distasteful. I would never consider doing that to any friend, let alone a best friend of 15 years however much I loved a name. The fact she’s been so secretive and not even announced her baby’s birth to you indicates she’s feeling uncomfortable about it, which baffles me to why she went ahead with it.
I hope you manage to find some peace within the situation soon OP. xx

HagridsBigToe · 07/06/2019 20:42

First of all, I am sorry for your loss.
I don't think you are being unreasonable. True, nobody owns a name, but she was insensitive and hurtful. To not even tell you beforehand was awful.

Highfivemum · 07/06/2019 20:42

Unbelievable sensitive. I think for me the friendship would be over. If she had said to you we are thinking of the name but appreciate if it is difficult for you that would have least shown understanding. She didn’t. I am sorry but you are understandable still grieving and my heart goes out to you without any support but a friend like this is not s friend. You deserve better. Sending a big hug xx

Parttimewasteoftime · 07/06/2019 20:44

Maximumheadroom pretty sure a family member did this for me when we named our DD (common name and family) it meant a lot! Well done you OP thats no friend you have just no way to explain it and to find out via fb shame on her!

Skyejuly · 07/06/2019 20:47

In these circumstances she definitely should have had a conversation with you and it is very very insensitive and selfish not to have told you privately if she had not planned it before hand.

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