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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

359 replies

Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:26

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 07/06/2019 19:01

I can understand why you are sensitive about this but maybe she thinks she is honouring his memory?

No. That doesn’t wash, otherwise they would have done the decent thing and spoke to the man’s WIFE first.

perfectstorm · 07/06/2019 19:01

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers

Theyellowsquare · 07/06/2019 19:01

Sorry for your loss, how unfair life can be Sad She should have discussed this with you first. it's not you baggsing a name because you just like it, it's a whole different level. It's totally understandable that you feel hurt Flowers

Aimadre · 07/06/2019 19:02

YANBU. One of my best friends wrote to ask me if I minded her giving her daughter a variation of MY name (of course I was delighted). I can’t imagine doing this to a bereaved friend.

Myheartbelongsto · 07/06/2019 19:03

This is awful of her op, it really is.

There are things in life that you just do do out of decency and this is one of them.

Sorry for your loss xx

AnotherRubberDuck · 07/06/2019 19:03

A friend messaged me directly saying that they were naming their newborn the same name we were using as a nickname for DS (then only 6 months old), and hope that's ok.
I agree with all the PP saying she didn't even have the decency to tell you privately, she is not a good friend! I'm not confrontational but I would definitely ask her outright about it. It'll just stew if you don't get an explanation for why.

Myusernameismud · 07/06/2019 19:03

This is a really tricky situation OP, you are grieving and it has understandably upset you. But I doubt your friends intentions were malicious.

Unless you are in your 90s, you are far too young to have lost your DH and I can see why it would be painful for you. I'm in a similar, but different situation in that my best friend called her baby boy my beautiful dad's name only a few weeks after he had died. However, she discussed it with me and said if it would upset me then she wouldn't. I didn't have an issue, it's a beautiful (and very common) name, but every time I see that beautiful boy I smile and remember my dad. If she had asked you what would you have said?

Perhaps when the dust has settled so to speak, you can talk to her and let her know how it made you feel. I don't think it's something to end a friendship over, unless when you discuss it with her later she is unapologetic. It could be that she really doesn't see the issue, which again isn't necessarily callous, just that some people are unable to put themselves in someone else's shoes and see the potential hurt it could cause. It's not nasty, just short sighted.

Flowers for you OP

Loveislandaddict · 07/06/2019 19:03

Maybe the name has special significance to them also, a family member, a name they always wanted to use, special memories etc.

Maybe insensitive, but they haven’t done anything wrong. I can understand why you are upset, though.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 07/06/2019 19:04

I don’t care if it’s as common a name as Harry, I think it was grossly insensitive of her. Even if she loved the name anyway, I think it would have made her a far more selfless person use it as a middle name.

She’s been a close friend for 15 years, and I think she is really mean and selfish.

Sorry for your loss.

UnicornBrexit · 07/06/2019 19:05

See, the way I look at it, we don't use names we associate with people we dislike, so she must have admired and thought well of your DH, even if the baby wasn't named directly after him.

Here is the list - 9 of those names do not appear in the past 4 generations of mine or DHs family - they are all very common names so to assume she or her DH isn't naming the child after someone in their family is also a massive leap

2018 top Uk boys names

  1. OLIVER -
  2. HARRY -
  3. JACK -
  4. GEORGE Up 1
  5. NOAH Up 2
  6. CHARLIE Down 2
  7. JACOB Down 1
  8. ALFIE -
  9. FREDDIE Up 1
10. OSCAR Down 1 11. LEO Up 1 12. LOGAN Up 7 13. ARCHIE Up 4 14. THEO Up 7 15. THOMAS Down 2 16. JAMES Down 5 17. JOSHUA Down 3 18. HENRY Down 2 19. WILLIAM Down 4 20. MAX Down 2
EC22 · 07/06/2019 19:06

I think you are being unreasonable.
It is a popular name, she obviously likes it, it is not something she has done to hurt you, of course it isn’t.

InsertFunnyUsername · 07/06/2019 19:06

Normally on the you don't own a name, especially a common one side, but jesus this is bad coming from your friend. If it was a clumsy tribute she surely would have said, its not her place to anyway.

I would feel the same as you OP and don't think i could continue the friendship. Im sorry for your lossFlowers

julensaor · 07/06/2019 19:06

if she is a really good friend, she should have the conversation with you. Really be direct in your next contact with her and force an answer.

soarin · 07/06/2019 19:08

Honestly I'd be a little touched thinking that she used it to prolong his legacy

RaffertyFair · 07/06/2019 19:09

The OP was widowed out of the blue 18 months ago because her DH had an undetected heart problem. They were parents to one DC and actively ttc dc2 when he died.

That is completely different to a friend using your beloved late father's name Myusernameismud

FriarTuck · 07/06/2019 19:11

Thing is, even if it was always her chosen name or if her DH insisted or it was a tribute or whatever, she knew it was your DH's name (and that you would have used it for your son if you'd had one). On that basis alone she should have done the decent thing and mentioned it to you, not left you to find out via Facebook. It's just thinking about your supposed best friend's feelings. At a real stretch I guess she may think that 18 months on you're 'over' it and that's why she hasn't bothered but.....

Sewrainbow · 07/06/2019 19:11

I don't think she handled it well but in the nicest possible way you are being unreasonable. If it was something very rare or unusual it would perhaps be seem more insensitive but a top 20 name can't be helped. You can't change the way you feel or how you interact with her both I don't think she did a bad thing

TidyDancer · 07/06/2019 19:13

Oh gosh YANBU. I'm so sorry for your loss. She has been incredibly insensitive and knows she's likely to hurt you which is why she's not discussing it with you now or before. The only way I would be able to get past it personally would be if the name also had a family connection for her too.

slashlover · 07/06/2019 19:14

She should have spoken to you beforehand, I don't think anybody could deny that. However, it could be possible that the name is her DH's DF/DGF/DUncle/etc. and he's always wanted to call his baby that.

Original poster
Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 19:14

Thank you everyone I’m still reading and appreciate your support.
I can’t help feeling it could be slightly malicious, we have seen each other almost daily for those 15 years. We are so close. She couldn’t even talk to me about this which hurts the most. I didn’t know she was in labour, she didn’t even tell me personally that her baby had arrived. I just feel so alone.

OP posts:
damned · 07/06/2019 19:15

Understandable why you are upset however I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Me and DP have a name that we both love and are absolutely set on if we ever have a son, and if I had a friend in your circumstances I would still use the name. Though I would speak to them and explain my reasons. It was insensitive of her to let you find out from a Facebook post.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/06/2019 19:15

I’d be hurt too. And if I were her I wouldn’t have done it without a conversation with you first. I think most people would be hurt.

Teachermaths · 07/06/2019 19:15

Could it have been the name of a beloved family member for her?

Your feelings are valid OP. This must be so hard for you.

PerfectPenquins · 07/06/2019 19:17

I think she is very wrong to do this, there are so so many names she could have chosen. I can't imagine ever doing this to someone I care about.

PurpleDaisies · 07/06/2019 19:17

I can’t help feeling it could be slightly malicious, we have seen each other almost daily for those 15 years.

Her son will have that name all his life, I really don’t think it will be malicious.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable expecting her not to use a popular name but I can understand why you’re upset. Flowers