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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

359 replies

Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:26

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
DippyDepannage · 07/06/2019 19:37

I don't the use of the name is the issue, it is the fact she didn't talk to the OP about it, this is a close long standing friend, who would or should have known that hearing that the name was being used for a friends baby would bring an avalanche of feelings, mainly loss, sadness, hurt and what might of been

OP I am sorry for your loss, yanbu

nokidshere · 07/06/2019 19:38

It's 18 months after your husband died. I know that when you lose someone close 18 months could be 18 minutes as far as you are concerned. But for other people that simply isn't the case unfortunately. I still cry when I think of my lovely MIL who died almost 3 yrs ago but my friends (they all knew her) don't, they just occasionally mention her with fondness.

It's a popular name, she may have forgotten you were going to use it or just not realised how much it would still affect you. I think it would be a great shame to lose a long standing friend over this.

ThinThighsPlease · 07/06/2019 19:40

OP I do hope this comment doesn't upset you further but I can't help wondering... Was she in love with your husband?

murmuration · 07/06/2019 19:41

Sorry for your loss, OP. Although I'd try to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, if you can - just for your sanity.

For those saying “maybe she just didn’t realise” and variations thereof - are you bloody joking? How could it NOT have occurred to her that OP might at LEAST raise an eyebrow?

Sometimes people have just areas they don't see. DH and my very best friends, Best man and MoH, named their second child my name. You could totally see the dawning realisation when we first came to visit... "Hi there Murmur and Dmurmur meet our new daughter.... Murmur...." Later, we learned she was named after a number of relatives on both sides. Clearly not as salient or upsetting as a recently deceased friend, but possible she got all quiet as she just realised and didn't know how to handle it? Is she otherwise a good friend, or have form for being purposefully mean/insensitive?

nokidshere · 07/06/2019 19:41

OP I do hope this comment doesn't upset you further but I can't help wondering... Was she in love with your husband?

Oh please. Don't be ridiculous. Talk about being insensitive Hmm

icelander89 · 07/06/2019 19:42

As you say your husband's name is very popular I think there is a high chance she didn't link to two, she just loves the name

OP said her friend knew that they would be using the name if they were having a boy. She would have known of the sensitive nature of the name for this man’s widow; her best friend of 15 years.
Nobody is that dumb and self-absorbed that they completely forget about their best friend’s husband dying who has that name. She would’ve had 9 months at least to consider names, of course she would have known what significance that name would have for the OP because that’s the kind of thing you consider when choosing a name...you think of who you know who has that name. And to make it worse, when she settled on the OP’s late husband’s name, she didn’t even have the decency to speak to the OP despite the sensitive situation.

Ginger1982 · 07/06/2019 19:43

@sonjadog she hasn't spoken to her friend. She found out over Facebook!

I'm stunned at people saying 'she probably didn't realise.' FGS she's not an acquaintance! She's the best friend and was MOH! If she's been there for the OP all this time how can she not have realised? That doesn't wash with me.

Of course OP would have had no right to say 'no you can't use that name' but a little heads up would have been nice.

Nomorepies · 07/06/2019 19:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Ginger1982 · 07/06/2019 19:44

@ThinThighsPlease that is a ridiculously crass thing to say.

sonjadog · 07/06/2019 19:46

She has spoken to her friend. Read further down the OP:

"I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject."

Yogagirl123 · 07/06/2019 19:49

So sorry for your loss OP, it would have been thoughtful for your friend to at least discuss it with you first, it must have been a shock.

HomeMadeMadness · 07/06/2019 19:49

I think she has been thoughtless but it probably didn't occur to her as it's a common name she probably doesn't just associate it with your late husband. I totally understand your feelings though 18 months is nothing when you're grieving.

Watchingthetelly · 07/06/2019 19:50

YANBU. Your friend has been horribly insensitive. There are thousands of other names she could have chosen from. I hope you are feeling slightly better this evening OP. Flowers

Original poster
Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 19:51

Thinthighs I truly hope not though it seems unlikely I can’t answer that for definite

Her husband is Irish and their chosen girl names were Irish family names so I don’t think this was his idea personally as it isn’t an Irish name (to the poster who asked)

Sorry for your losses to the other ladies who have sadly lost their husbands and thank you for your kind words Flowers

OP posts:
ThinThighsPlease · 07/06/2019 19:51

It's plausible and you both know it. That's not to say I'm suggesting for a minute it was mutual because I'm not, if this woman has done this knowing it would (understandably) upset the OP then to shut the conversation down rather than be open about why then she may well have been, however delusional.

Atalune · 07/06/2019 19:53

She’s no friend.

Seriously if she wanted to honour your DH she would have spoken to you about it.

At best is it’s an oversight but as soon as she got your text she should have picked up the phone and spoken to you about. I’d you can’t face speaking to her out it down in a letter.

Flowers so very sorry for your loss

simplekindoflife · 07/06/2019 19:53

I don't think YABU. I wouldn't dream of doing this to a friend as I think it's insensitive, selfish, cruel and thoughtless. How could she?!

A good friend of mine lost her baby a year before my dd was born. We wanted a name similar to what she named her lost baby (think Georgia/Georgina) but of course we didn't use it as we thought it would be insensitive.

I think you need to be honest with her about how she's hurt you, but be prepared for her to get on her high horse and lose the friendship. Sad

I'm so sorry OP Thanks

ThinThighsPlease · 07/06/2019 19:53

Ifonly86 - I hope I didn't upset you but it's one of the first things I thought of and I assume you wanted only honest opinions. Best wishes to you xx

Watchingthetelly · 07/06/2019 19:53

@ThinThighsPlease
Another person who is being horribly insensitive

kiki22 · 07/06/2019 19:54

I get the no one owns a name but for God sake why would anyone be so selfish to use the name of their friends late husband 18 months after a sudden death it's cruel. I would end the friendship based on her putting a name over your likely still fragile feelings. There are a million baby names you only had 1 husband. I'm sorry OP Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 07/06/2019 19:54

If she was secretly in love with him thigh, she’d hardly have done something so blatant to honour him. Honestly. Some people are just ridiculous.

Mamabear12 · 07/06/2019 19:55

If the name is in the top 20 then obviously it’s a common popular name, so I think it’s unreasonable to think you own the name. I’m sorry your husband passed, but you can still name your child the name of you eventually go on to meet someone else and have a son. My friend named her dd the same name as my dd and I found it flattering she still chose the name, it means she really likes the name and also must like my dd too 😀 as some people get turned off by a name of someone has it and they ruin it.

Mamabear12 · 07/06/2019 19:58

Also, I do think it’s wrong she ignored your question about why she chose the name. I would just go with your gut on whether or not you want to stay friends with her. If it hurts too much, just move on from the friendship.

DeeCeeCherry · 07/06/2019 19:59

Out of 20 names then..why that one?

Sorry OP 💐

Spotsandstars · 07/06/2019 20:00

A true friend of 15 years wouldn't have done this. She would have sat you down and asked your opinion. I can't find anyway to excuse this, it's truly cruel. I think you need to ask yourself has she been a real friend or is it a friendship that now needs leaving in the past. Sorry this has happened big hugs.