Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

359 replies

Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:26

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/06/2019 19:17

I would be surprised if someone named their own son maliciously after a deceased person. This is not a usual way to name a child.

As you say your husband's name is very popular I think there is a high chance she didn't link to two, she just loves the name.

I can see it from your perspective but I think going down the route of feeling she named her child only to spite and be malicious to you is probably not correct.

AnotherEmma · 07/06/2019 19:18

Sorry for your loss Flowers

I think your friend is being completely unreasonable. If I had a friend in your situation I would never dream of using the name; there are plenty of others. And if she absolutely desperately wanted to use the name, she should have got your blessing. If she was dead set on doing it either way (which means she's not a true friend) at the very least she should have had the courage to tell you the reason for it, not done this: "I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject."

I think you should end the friendship because she clearly doesn't care about or respect you as much as you deserve. It's going to cause you pain to see her and her son, given her gross insensitivity. It's not petty to step back, it's just looking after yourself and your well being.

sonjadog · 07/06/2019 19:18

Your friend only gave birth this morning and if you have been upset all day about this, you must have spoken to her very shortly afterwards. She may not have felt up to a big conversation about it right there and then. I would give it a while and try talking to her again and fin out what the thought behind the choice is.

Sherry19 · 07/06/2019 19:19

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

IceRebel · 07/06/2019 19:19

No matter how much I liked the name, if I were your friend it wouldn't have ever made it onto the list. You've been friends for so long, there's no way she didn't realise how this would make you feel, hence not discussing it before hand. Sad

EnglishRose13 · 07/06/2019 19:20

I'm usually of the "you don't own a name" camp but her behaviour indicates that even she thinks she's being unreasonable and has done it anyway.

AnotherEmma · 07/06/2019 19:20

Well she should feel guilty
She used her "best" friend's husband name despite knowing the friend wanted to use it for a son
FFS

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/06/2019 19:21

I was fully intending to come into this thread and say YABU, but I think in this case, YANBU. I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

Myusernameismud · 07/06/2019 19:21

Is it though Rafferty? Grief is grief, and it is entirely personal. I was trying to give a little perspective, without wishing to derail the thread.

S1naidSucks · 07/06/2019 19:24

I cannot even imagine how your life has changed and how deeply in grief you must feel.

No you can’t and I hope you never have to know what it’s like to lose your husband too soon.

This is maybe going to sound harsh/insensitive - but in another 20 or 30 years time - how would you feel then?

Yes, it is insensitive, because you have no idea, as you’ve previously stated. Grief never leaves you, you just learn to accept it as a shitty part of your life, no matter how happy other things and people make you in time. Every single happy thing is tinged with the sadness, even if it’s a fleeting thought, that your husband should be with you to enjoy it.

The so called friend is either thoughtless or a selfish shit.

Snog · 07/06/2019 19:24

If this is your best friend then she is insensitive. I think you should be honest with her about your feelings and see what she has to say.

SynchroSwimmer · 07/06/2019 19:24

Ifonly86, I wonder if you are a member of WAY - widowed and young?
A fantastic online resource and area to chat in confidence with others?

It’s enormously helpful (and you could also post your question there to get sympathetic views from others in similar situations?)

Been a true lifeline for me so wanted to recommend.

Hobsbawm · 07/06/2019 19:25

She's been an utter bitch.

She was your maid of honour, so close to you. She must have known your husband reasonably well. The suggestion, from some, that it might not have even occurred to her that she was choosing the same name as your late husband is ludicrous! You don't forget the name of the man your close friend is still deeply grieving, ffs!!

Whatever reason they had for choosing the name, she should have spoken to you. She knew that you were try and would have named a boy after your husband. She knew your husband's death was unexpected. She knows you are still raw with grief. Only the most crassly, insensitive and self-centred of people could think there was no issue giving her new baby that name.

And to then ignore your message about it. She knows she's been an insensitive b*tch and is now being a coward too.

One of my parents died years ago. When I meet children (and adults) with the same name, it briefly passes through my mind but it's no big deal. I wouldn't mind if a friend chose the same name (but I'd expect a good friend to mention it, just in case). A friend of the family/distant (genealogically) relative did have a child a good few years later and did use my parent's name and they spoke to my other parent first. (My other parent was delighted). But your situation is very different - and your friend didn't even speak to you and is now ignoring you. I'm livid for you.

Original poster
Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 19:25

Malicious isn’t the word I should have used, knowing I will never have a son with the name may have made her think it was a safe name as I’d no longer need it, it may not be the case at all but that’s how I’m viewing it. Hearing the name said out loud is not something I can mentally handle right now, seeing it written here is hard enough, I don’t know if that will change once I’ve had time to process it though. Those asking what I would have said if she did come to me first, I’d have explained how it would be hurtful as it’s so sentimental to me, but I’d be fine if it was a middle name and I didn’t have it ‘in my face’ daily.

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 07/06/2019 19:25

Have committed a sin and not read the whole thread because I can’t bear to read posts where people will say this is ok.

Sorry for your loss Ifonly there is absolutely no way a best friend of 15 years should do this. I can think of a hundred reasons why not and not even one maybe why she could. Flowers

Not sure how or if I could forgive if this happened to me.

RedPandaFluff · 07/06/2019 19:26

I honestly don't think I would choose a name for my baby that I thought could potentially be painful for a friend, no matter how much I loved the name or how popular the name was.

I'm really sorry for everything you've been through, @Ifonly86 💐

kmammamalto · 07/06/2019 19:27

Wow this is soooo weird. And awful for you. I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I don't think that any of the reasons PPs have given are anywhere good enough to excuse or reason with what she's done. YANBU at all. Hope you have some kind of support in real life xx

Original poster
Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 19:27

Sherry19 in those terms yes it is a one off, which makes it all the harder and stranger but I appreciate your different take on it and it has made me think

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 07/06/2019 19:29

I think she of course knows it’s your late DH name, but didn’t realise you’d be so upset.
Can’t believe she has done it maliciously, just thoughtless.
If she had asked you before would you have honestly said no you can’t have it? What then she uses it anyway? Or has to pick something else.?

NauseousMum · 07/06/2019 19:33

She's disgraceful. More so even given the way she's treated you over this.

Balibabe1 · 07/06/2019 19:35

I am truly sorry for your loss, and can completely empathise as I lost my husband 8 weeks ago suddenly due to a heart attack.
That said, I really don’t think your friend has done anything wrong here, yes for you it’s a very delicate subject and she may have (and let’s be honest most people do shy away from anything that could upset us) just not known how to broach the topic.

This is lonely enough, please don’t lose a good friend over this. She has the right to use a popular and very loved name for her baby.

willstarttomorrow · 07/06/2019 19:36

OP I lost DH in the same way. I maintain no one will ever understand the grief and feelings you have unless they have been through it. It is more than grief for a person, it is the life you should be living and your dreams as a family. Tiny things which are so entrenched in your daily life as a couple and parent to your child that you really do not realise how special and important they are gone. You have no control over this and your life literally changes in an instant. You are not being unreasonable that you feel this way.
I am four years on now and we have achieved a new reality in which we can manage and be happy (although the loss is still there and life is much harder than we had planned). You are really early on in this awful journey. I found year 2 and 3 much harder. People assume the 1st year to be the worst and think healing is a linear process. This is not because they are uncaring but their life has gone on whilst yours has stopped while you try to make sense of it and live day-to-day. I look back at how angry I was about various things life threw at me and I realise now that my grief made me an angry and a less generous person. I am not apologetic about this, it is how it was and our society really does not allow people to work through it. I now have have the space to have some insight into how I have changed.
It is hard to deal with but try and think how you would have felt if your friend used this name if your DP was still alive? I am assuming it would not have been and issue and you would probably joked about it. They have used a name they liked. This is hard for you and a trigger to other things. Try and find someone or somewhere safe to talk through this (it may be here). Look after yourself and your child because ultimatley no one else will but be hopeful that it will get better.

SignedUpJust4This · 07/06/2019 19:36

She probably just really likes the name and didn't think it would bother you. Or it's a very common name and is a tribute to someone in her own or her DHs family.

AuntMarch · 07/06/2019 19:36

Hi have always loved a particular boy's name, my friend has a son who has been given a shorted version of it. I've spoken to her to make sure she wouldn't mind me using the full version- and it's not even definite I will (or even that I'm having a boy!)

The middle name would be after his dad's brother who passed before I knew the family. Dad intends to check with his brothers (grown up) children first though.

You don't just not say anything. Even if it's not to ask but to say "we really love the name, I don't want it to be a shock to you when we announce it so wanted to give advance warning"

YANBU. I'm sorry for the loss of your husband and I'm sorry your friend has not handled this well.

SignedUpJust4This · 07/06/2019 19:37

Either way I think you should tell her (gently) how you feel and ask her reasons.

Swipe left for the next trending thread