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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

359 replies

Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:26

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 11/06/2019 19:35
Flowers

Well done for explaining how you feel and having the self respect to walk away from the friendship now.

She doesn't deserve you as a friend.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/06/2019 19:35

Such a callous reply and no attempt to soften the blow or acknowlege your feelings throughout. So unnecessary.
I'm so sorry she treated you this way. At least you know her "reasoning" now and can put her unpleasant treatment behind you, with no qualms about whether its the right thing to do or not. Not everyone is like this "friend" and I am sure you will find other people who will treat you better.

7yo7yo · 11/06/2019 19:37

What a nasty cow.
You deserve better op.
I wish I was your friend in real life.
Flowers

Savoury99 · 11/06/2019 19:42

This is awful. She was out of order in the beginning to use the name but to speak to you like that is unforgivable. This is not just a name. I feel for you you so much. She is a horrible woman.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 11/06/2019 19:43

What a complete and utter bitch.

StarShapedWindow · 11/06/2019 19:46

OP you are right to be upset about the name use and of course the way you friend worded her reasoning behind it. I gave my DS the same name as my friends ex boyfriend - he had ended the relationship and she was upset. I was so aware of my name choice being insensitive to her that I asked her if it was okay to use it before I made it official. If she’d have said ‘no’ I’d have been disappointed but would have respected her wishes. I can’t believe, out of all the names available, she had to pick you DH’s name. Maybe your life will be better without her in it! Flowers

StarShapedWindow · 11/06/2019 19:48

Also, this had happened years before my DS was born, my friend had met someone else and had a baby since!

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/06/2019 19:49

Wow, her reply was very cold. Definitely, time to end this friendship.

Original poster
Ifonly86 · 11/06/2019 19:53

Thank you everyone it helps to see it’s not just me being bitter and it genuinely is a cruel thing to do, I’m gutted at losing my oldest friend but I can’t see her baby grow up with my husbands name knowing it really was done in a spiteful way. I feel much lighter getting it off my chest and walking away strangely enough.

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 11/06/2019 19:55

She actually admitted that she had to persuade her dh to want to use it. Poor bloke prob realises he is stuck with a fucking bitch dw now...
Not even a joint longed for name for them...
She isn't your friend, best you know though op.

miranda1511 · 11/06/2019 19:57

You need to let her know how you feel. It may risk your friendship but she doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh. Sorry for your loss x

Sparklingfairylights · 11/06/2019 19:58

OP I'm so so sorry that she has treated you so callously, you deserve so much better, much love and strength xxx

AliceRR · 11/06/2019 20:11

I’m sorry OP. How nasty of her to talk to you like that. I think she knows she was wrong and is now being defensive; that or she really does have no regard for anyone but herself.

ThatCurlyGirl · 11/06/2019 20:21

@Ifonly86 I'm sorry OP, I was hoping she had just been thoughtless and then would be mortified when you raised it but she couldn't have handled it worse and I'm so sorry you had to hear her response.

I'm also sorry that you had to read the comment @ThinThighsPlease wrote on here which was quite frankly fucking disgusting and truly one of the nastiest things I've ever seen someone on MN. Unnecessary and cruel.

So sorry again for you OP ThanksThanksThanks

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/06/2019 20:21

Gosh I’m so sorry she’s turned out to be such a terrible friend. Flowers

HollowTalk · 11/06/2019 20:29

What an absolute bitch she is. I hope she's on here, reading this thread.

greenrockstar · 11/06/2019 20:46

God that's just awful. I'm sorryThanks

Grumpos · 11/06/2019 20:55

I’m sorry for your loss OP, cannot begin to understand.
Your friend has acted disgustingly, firstly in taking the name when there are thousands of others, secondly for not taking just a moment to let you know directly as to lessen the impact and show you that she did have some modicum of empathy and lastly for her absolutely appalling reaction when you’ve asked about it.
I think her reaction to you bringing it up is somewhat of a defence mechanism because she actually deep down knows she shouldn’t have chosen the name.
Cut this foul person off, she knows she is in the wrong and I tell you what, many of her friends and family will think she is also - but whether they stand up and say it is another story.
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this and sorry you’ve lost someone who appeared to be a good friend. Take some comfort in at least you know who she really is now.
Take care

RaffertyFair · 11/06/2019 21:04

I'm so glad you feel lighter now you are back in control - you have walked away from a person who is not your friend.

But I'm so. so sorry you had to go through such upset to find this out about her. You will NOT have to deal with the hurt everytime you see her, becuse you need never see the heartless woman again. Flowers

BishopofBathandWells · 11/06/2019 21:20

What an absolute scumbag. I'm so sorry, OP. Thank you for the update.

CoraPirbright · 11/06/2019 21:24

we liked it so we picked it, it’s up to us and none of your business

Shock That is spectacularly awful and insensitive! I am so, so sorry for you, OP, and utterly disgusted with your ex-friend. I don't think it would be possible for her to be more cruel.

Thinking of you Flowers

TeddybearBaby · 11/06/2019 21:28

Sounds like another loss and grieving process for you op. I’m so so sorry 💐

nettie434 · 11/06/2019 21:32

I had hoped it was her way of acknowledging your incredibly sad loss (albeit without doing the right thing and checking with you first). It is so terribly thoughtless - especially when there are so many other names to choose from. I do get that she might not have any personalexperience of being bereaved but once you explained how you felt, she should have had the empathy to understand why you feel this way. Well done on raising this with her. It is her loss that her decision has affected your friendship

MrsMiggins37 · 11/06/2019 21:54

I wonder how much she ground down the husband, he sounds like he might have had a shred of decency about him at least.

Atalune · 11/06/2019 22:22

At least you know.

Flowers
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