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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

359 replies

Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:26

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 07/06/2019 18:44

Twisted Biscuit that’s bollocks. Just because it’s a top 20 name doesn’t mean you wouldn’t feel shock and distress at hearing your bf had named her after your recently deceased dh.

Eg your dh is Oliver. He passes away. Your best friend who knew you both well calls her newborn Oliver and you wouldn’t notice?! It’s obviously an issue!

Original poster
Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:44

Thank you all for your kind words and the realistic words of wisdom I appreciate it, I’m going to sleep on it tonight and see how I feel tomorrow. I’m not confrontational at all so I won’t broach the subject with her again or cause an argument, I’d like her to come to me. Deep down I know it will come between us regardless, whether I’m unreasonable to allow it to or not.

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 07/06/2019 18:45

I’m so sorry about your husband Flowers and your friend naming her son.

I think under the circumstances that even if it was her favourite name she should have either had a quiet word with you to ask if it was ok or tell you what she was choosing or else, and this is what I think a close friend should do, avoided the name altogether.

lyralalala · 07/06/2019 18:46

I think regardless of the name she should have told you privately that that's what she had chosen.

Even if the name isn't directly after him, just the same, it would have been the kind thing to do

S1naidSucks · 07/06/2019 18:47

If she didn’t think of how this might affect you, or ‘forgot’ that your husband, her ‘friend’ had the same name, then she wasn’t much of a friend to start with. In the unlikely event that this is why she called him by the name, then what’s the reason for her ignoring the OP’s question?

Sexnotgender · 07/06/2019 18:47

I’m so sorry for your loss. That is WILDLY insensitive of her.

If perhaps she’d had a conversation with her where she’d told you she was contemplating this and to ask how you felt about it then you might have come to terms with it.

Just to drop it on you like that out the blue is shitty behaviour.

Widowodiw · 07/06/2019 18:47

I’m a recent widow and this wouldn’t bother me. You have so many battles being a widow for me this is not one to dwell on or get upset. Please remember the name may have been chosen because her partner wanted that name? She probably didn’t decide it herself. Think positively when the child is older you can talk to them about how they and your husband shared a name .

TwistedBiscuit · 07/06/2019 18:48

Twisted Biscuit that’s bollocks. Just because it’s a top 20 name doesn’t mean you wouldn’t feel shock and distress at hearing your bf had named her after your recently deceased dh.

I’m a bit disappointed that you read it that way. My aim was to comfort the OP Confused

BlueCornishPixie · 07/06/2019 18:48

If it was tribute surely she would have spoken to you?

The fact she hasn't even mentioned it to you I think is really callous. She could have spoken to you and said "I'm thinking of using your DHs name for the baby, how would you feel about this? I thought it would be a tribute to him" it wouldn't have taken much. No one owns a name yes, but it's not about OP having possession of the name it's about making sure your not upsetting a dear friend!

So sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Mrsmadevans · 07/06/2019 18:49

At best it's crass, at worst cruel, yanbu OP , if it were me l would feel betrayed by her , l am so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband Flowers

RaffertyFair · 07/06/2019 18:50

Ifonly86
You are definitely not being unreasonable in my opinion. The lack of sensitivity towards you from someone so close is unbelievably hurtful.
Flowers
I would wait for the first wave of distress to subside before making any long term decisions or reacting to her.

But I know it would be something I would feel the need to address with her.

Candace19 · 07/06/2019 18:51

@Ifonly86 you are right to be annoyed - I would be. Especially as you've known her so long. Only you know if you can get past this. Sorry for your loss ThanksThanksThanks

Mumofone1593 · 07/06/2019 18:53

She knew that you and your husband were going to name your son the name.

She knew you were TTC and that you lost your husband.

She then named her son that name without giving you any forwarning.

I wanted to write it simply so you can see- she is not your friend, please remove her from your life, you don't need someone like her in your life.Flowers

Ullupullu · 07/06/2019 18:55

Finding out thorough a FB post must have hurt, she surely must know how insensitive that is? I don't think she's a close friend after all op.

RebootYourEngine · 07/06/2019 18:55

I would feel the same as you OP.

UnicornBrexit · 07/06/2019 18:55

John or Steve are not common baby names in 2019.

Don't be precious people use examples, there is no need to be quite so literal @AppleKatie

Boysey45 · 07/06/2019 18:56

I think she should have chosen a different name to your husbands. Theres 1000s of boys names surely she could have chosen another one she liked.

I think its an awful thing to do personally.

PeoniesarePink · 07/06/2019 18:56

She's no friend, OP.

And I'm really sorry for your loss Flowers

BigDamnHero · 07/06/2019 18:58

Fucking hell - she could have at least mentioned it to you first!

stucknoue · 07/06/2019 18:58

I can understand why you are sensitive about this but maybe she thinks she is honouring his memory? If it's a popular name too they may have just liked it

saraclara · 07/06/2019 19:00

There are two parents. And it's a top 20 name. I don't think she should have to avoid it because of your late husband. Sorry.

I too am widowed, and to be honest, this wouldn't begin to bother me.

That doesn't mean I don't understand that illogical feelings can throw us for a loop, and I'm sorry you're finding this so hard. But it would be unreasonable to challenge her on it or end the friendship over it.

Give yourself a bit of time. I know it's hard right now though.

TheCatDidSay · 07/06/2019 19:00

Maybe her husband picked the name she may of protested but gave in thus not wanting to talk about it.

At the end of the day op you are not going to get passed this with her no matter what the reason so just cool it off.

AliceRR · 07/06/2019 19:00

I’m so sorry for your loss OP

This isn’t about “ownership” of a name. It’s about how we treat our friends and your friend has been completely insensitive.

Even if she likes the names, she should have discussed with you first and asked how you’d feel (some friends might have liked it), but if you said you weren’t happy with it then there are plenty of other names.

Haworthia · 07/06/2019 19:00

Seems incredible that your husband’s name was literally the only name they liked, and when given the choice between using the name and deeply upsetting you, they’d choose the former.

I agree the name should have been off limits.

HelenRivington · 07/06/2019 19:01

OP I’m so sorry for your loss.

I am usually VERY firmly in the “nobody owns a name” camp. However in cases like this it’s completely different.

For those saying “maybe she just didn’t realise” and variations thereof - are you bloody joking? How could it NOT have occurred to her that OP might at LEAST raise an eyebrow?

In my opinion it’s just a downright weird/unkind thing to do.

She’s no friend and you are definitely NOT being unreasonable.