My mum's 'demands' for money... for looking after her grandchildren etc

[Helpmepleasenow48]

Last year my MIL and FIL gave us a sizeable chunk of money to buy a house. My DH is on a good salary but to buy our house and get a mortgage we needed a bigger deposit.
We have bought our house and planning bits and pieces. I'm freelance and working part time at that moment as am not sure what to do (that's s wholeother post!?) anyway since we moved my mum who lost her home and business back in the early 1990s when I was a teenager has become a bit unbearable.
She doesn't have much money and can't work because she had a hip replacement op last year. My stepfather died back when their business went under in the 1990s. My dad and step mum are around but haven't helped financially. My uni education was free but I stayed with my mum till I got a job after post graduate training (which I took a year out after to work after university to pay for). I don't earn loads and have two DC... my mum has always been a bit funny with money. And now she demands cash after looking after the Dc. Who are both at school but I had some days I had to work in London so I needed her to pick them up and give them dinner before DH came home.
Every time she offers to do something she will say 'when are you getting paid'-I think she thinks that because we are having an extension (which was planned when we bought our house) we somehow have loads of money.
What do I do?!! Although she's been great at letting me live with her in my 20s etc I can't support her and need to monetise everything is driving me crazy and skewing our relationship.

Can I just add that when our DC were really young we paid for full time childcare and only asked my mum to help in emergencies. She lives down the road from us.

I suggest you bung her a few quid each time she takes your children. You might find she refuses it but at least it was there for her if she wanted it.

We do - we give her petrol and food money. She's asking for more.

I meant to say "is there" and "wants it", not 'was there' or 'wanted it'.

You either need to stop asking her or agree a rate. It is obvious she doesn't think she should do it for free

Find a childminder or other form of childcare. Or agree rate with her for looking after you kids. She doesn't have to look after them for free or indeed at all. But you shouldnt feel that she is after your every pay packet either.

Find an alternative!

Maybe a SAHM who wouldn’t mind helping out in a scrap?

Don’t ask her-get a childminder.

What would you pay a childminder? I'd say to her either you'll give her equal amount (£4 and hour ish) and she provides petrol and food etc or if she doesn't want this then you'll find a childminder instead.

But she's their grandmother! Is she only looks after them now and then surely she'd want to have them and spend time with them!? But to be paid for it???

You need to agree a set amount, or find a baby sitter

Find childcare or, to help your mum out as she sounds skint? Agree an hourly rate. In general terms, Does she know your financial position?

She wants to be paid. Either pay her or don't use her.

It sounds like your Mum is in rather a tight financial situation. Personally I'd be agreeing a rate. That way there's no room for grievances to build up, fuelling ill will and misunderstandings.

I agree with @FrancisCrawford. There's a bigger picture here.

Pay her or find someone else.

She doesn't really... but when she runs out of money she asks DH for £10 here and £20 there and £100 a couple of months ago. While I appreciate she has no money we were in M&S just now and she asked me to buy her wine (for looking after DC for a hour earlier) then she bought herself a top, an electric light up mirror and Pre packed roast chicken. Things I couldn't afford to buy myself.
I think I need to talk to her properly but I don't know what to say; 'do you mind looking after your grandchildren for free' and if you need money let me know?!!

I'm sorry but no I don't think it's right to pay family for helping out . I'd never take payment off my child for childcare and I'd be very shocked if my family expected payment for helping me out in the same way if I gave someone a lift or another favour it works both ways and with family you can't expect to be paid for it . But on the other hand if you want regular childcare care ie on a daily basis before after school etc then she may see it that she's saving you money instead of using a childminder. You may be able to come to a arrangements but it may be easier to get a childminder but remember that when she wants a favour .

Why do you begrudge her a bottle of wine after she’s helped you though?!

I don’t think she’s unreasonable wanting paying if she’s struggling for money, if she didn’t look after them you’d have to pay someone else to anyway. She might be frustrating with money but she isn’t in the wrong here really, yes it’d be nicer if she didn’t want paying but that’s just not the position you’re in.

It’s clear she wants payment for baby sitting but I think it’s very grabby (and hugely cringe inducing) to ask you for wine as repayment whilst you are out shopping. It’s not like it’s an agreed rate. It’s more of a ‘yeah get me that’.
I would agree with her some kind of payment ie £x per hour to be paid on x day of the month, do you all know where you are.

Maybe a SAHM who wouldn’t mind helping out in a scrap?

Not sure they need to have a physical fight and two against one seems a little unfair.

I don't mind paying her - in fact if I agree a rate it might save us money.
I'm more worried about the future I guess...

So you all know where you are - not do.

Yes. I do!