My mum's 'demands' for money... for looking after her grandchildren etc

[Helpmepleasenow48]

Last year my MIL and FIL gave us a sizeable chunk of money to buy a house. My DH is on a good salary but to buy our house and get a mortgage we needed a bigger deposit.
We have bought our house and planning bits and pieces. I'm freelance and working part time at that moment as am not sure what to do (that's s wholeother post!?) anyway since we moved my mum who lost her home and business back in the early 1990s when I was a teenager has become a bit unbearable.
She doesn't have much money and can't work because she had a hip replacement op last year. My stepfather died back when their business went under in the 1990s. My dad and step mum are around but haven't helped financially. My uni education was free but I stayed with my mum till I got a job after post graduate training (which I took a year out after to work after university to pay for). I don't earn loads and have two DC... my mum has always been a bit funny with money. And now she demands cash after looking after the Dc. Who are both at school but I had some days I had to work in London so I needed her to pick them up and give them dinner before DH came home.
Every time she offers to do something she will say 'when are you getting paid'-I think she thinks that because we are having an extension (which was planned when we bought our house) we somehow have loads of money.
What do I do?!! Although she's been great at letting me live with her in my 20s etc I can't support her and need to monetise everything is driving me crazy and skewing our relationship.

I think you should investigate the cost of wraparound care and then decide what would be reasonable to pay her. Either agree that with her and leave it there or stop using her and use outside help. Your mum sounds difficult (e.g. referring to cost of food when you were young - who does that?!) so probably best go with someone else who can do child pick up and care if you can.

I would not use her for childcare. I cannot ever imagine my parents or parents in law asking for money to look after their grandchildren. That being said if your mum has money worries and you can afford it why not pay for her weekly shop or utilities?

OP Your mother sounds grim but I would seriously get her to go to her GP about her hip operation. Roughly how old is she? If she feels she can't work because of it then the op hasn't worked. If she can't work, she's not going to be able to look after your DC.

Other than that I agree with PPs who say you either find a CM who can do casual pick ups for the time your DM would do, or put the child minding your ma can do on an official basis.

It would also be kind if you and your DSis sat down with her and her finances. From what you say it's been nearly 20 years since her business went under and her 2nd husband died. What has she been doing since then? We don't know what age she is, but she does seem helpless for someone who was presumably contributing to running a business until the early 90s.

My eldest daughter and her partner both have jobs that involve shift work which would be very difficult for them if I didn’t look after my grandson (7). I picked him up from school on Friday and have had him here since, I will drop him at school tomorrow morning. He has not seen his parents since Friday morning and that is the way it has been all his life. My daughter is doing last of 3 night shifts tonight and is not back in work until Thursday. It works for them and wears me out sometimes but I would never ask for money for doing it. Both my daughters would give me money to take them and pick them up from the airport for instance. 75mile trip x 4. They have their own cars but I wouldn’t expect them to pay fuel if I had to take them shopping and don’t ask for money when I do an odd load of washing for them to help out.

If as you say you are only asking your mum to look after GC for an hour or so every couple of weeks when you need to run errands, and in some cases she is offering, I think it's in very bad taste to ask you to pay her for it.

On the other hand, does she perhaps feel generally unappreciated? Do you call her on general or perhaps forget to until you need help?
If however you are otherwise attentive and she asks for money for the little she dies do, that does not sound normal to me. That and what you describe in general, sounds like someone who is not managing their own life and is shifting responsibility to manage her problems to others - her mother, you etc. It reminds me of behaviour I have seen in addicts (not suggesting your mum is an addict but that's what your description reminds me of)

I have a GC who lives far away, and I wish was closer so I could be on hand to help out more often, out of love for my daughter and grandson and more specifically so that she didn't have to struggle the way that Ip did when she was small. That's the whole point to me, to make sure the situation of the next generation is improved. I wouldn't dream of charging but also my daughter does make sure I feel appreciated - not in money, but in concern and love. If she asked me to give up work and be a childminder for him, or to take him every day to save money, I would work out a suggestion that worked for us both. But to be able to help at odd times is just a joy.

Sorry for typos, typing on phone...

another one saying - agree a rate , pay it as soon as you return home, so she can't bum wine from you in M&S. Or ask someone else.

And there is no automatic reason why a hip replacement a year ago prevents you from working.