My mum's 'demands' for money... for looking after her grandchildren etc

[Helpmepleasenow48]

Last year my MIL and FIL gave us a sizeable chunk of money to buy a house. My DH is on a good salary but to buy our house and get a mortgage we needed a bigger deposit.
We have bought our house and planning bits and pieces. I'm freelance and working part time at that moment as am not sure what to do (that's s wholeother post!?) anyway since we moved my mum who lost her home and business back in the early 1990s when I was a teenager has become a bit unbearable.
She doesn't have much money and can't work because she had a hip replacement op last year. My stepfather died back when their business went under in the 1990s. My dad and step mum are around but haven't helped financially. My uni education was free but I stayed with my mum till I got a job after post graduate training (which I took a year out after to work after university to pay for). I don't earn loads and have two DC... my mum has always been a bit funny with money. And now she demands cash after looking after the Dc. Who are both at school but I had some days I had to work in London so I needed her to pick them up and give them dinner before DH came home.
Every time she offers to do something she will say 'when are you getting paid'-I think she thinks that because we are having an extension (which was planned when we bought our house) we somehow have loads of money.
What do I do?!! Although she's been great at letting me live with her in my 20s etc I can't support her and need to monetise everything is driving me crazy and skewing our relationship.

Why can't she work just because of a hip op? Part of the point of hip surgery is to improve function and reduce pain.

I don't think it's unreasonable to pay your mother for childminding, the same way you'd pay anyone else.

I would stop asking her to do anything

Is there really no job she can do? Being paid to pick your grandchildren up very sporadically is just plain wrong. You already give her money. Just tell her you're not paying her for it and she can either do it or not!

"in fact over the years I've given her lots of money."

I would be reminding her of this.

When my MIL had DS regularly, I paid her. My DM refused payment for the same hours. OP, you are paying her quite well already.
Agree with PP - hip replacement should not mean she cannot work.

This is really unpleasant for your children. Does she ever just see them because she wants to? Does she see you and not ask for money? She is being grabby and using you. It's one thing for you to pay for childcare for your children but to have to pay their DGM if awful. Family should be able to do favours for each other in a reciprocal way without monetary payment. My parents watch my DD (9 months) for free as do PIL but I also drive my DM to regular medical procedures for free, I give my dad lifts or bring him bits over for free, we sort out PIL house when they're away for free. You need to set the dynamic your comfortable with. If you dont feel its reciprocal then dial back the visits and dont ask her to babysit. Find other arrangements including emergency cover.

Of course it is not illegal to pay family members to look after your children. Sometimes the things that are stated on here as “fact” are astonishing.

Your mum is struggling financially. Once a fortnight is fairly regular. Assuming the children enjoy seeing her and she is a safe carer then agree an hourly rate for when you require childcare (as distinct from when the children visit her “just because”) and pay after each occasion. You won’t be any worse off than if you had a childminder and it will ease her way a bit.

Money and death are 2 of the hardest topics to talk about amongst family ..

Sit your mum down and have the conversation ... she wants to be paid so come up with an agreed rate per hour ...

Have it all in black and white as you would do with a childminder.

That way you know what you have to pay and she knows what she is going to get.
If you go on the way you guys are at the minute resentment and dare I say it expectation is going to cause a rift in the family.

It may be a difficult topic to bring up but in the long run at least you both know what is going to happen financially.

Best wishes OP🌷

@hazell42 the mother has given her child nothing. The lump sum came from the in-laws, not OP's mother.

OP, she sounds like she had help from her mum and now expects help from you. I'd just say that you can't afford to do more than pay the going rate for childcare, which is why your in-laws helped you out to start with. Might be worth also pointing out that you're a part time freelancer, so helping her is in effect giving her money your in-laws gave to benefit their son. Money is soluble and their gift freed up family money, sure, but I'm absolutely certain their generous gift to their son and his wife was not intended to support his mother.

I'd also look into childcare alternatives. If you're part time, are there other part time mothers who would appreciate help in a pinch, and could provide the same? This is a really messy situation and resentment, which you clearly and understandably feel, will fester if this is left.

I don't think her attitude is about you. It sounds as if she just has a shit attitude to money - especially other people's.

So because she is crap with money and always has been she is looking at you constantly to subsidise her.

What you should do is see if she is able to claim any benefits and teach her about budgeting.

Op from your last post it seems that your Mum is used to others giving her money and bailing her out. I would just stop asking her to help with the kids and try to call her out for being grabby when she next tries to demand cash

I suspect that the going rate for childcare is already rather drastically exceeded. OP says she gives petrol and food money, plus:

when she runs out of money she asks DH for £10 here and £20 there and £100 a couple of months ago. While I appreciate she has no money we were in M&S just now and she asked me to buy her wine (for looking after DC for a hour earlier) then she bought herself a top, an electric light up mirror and Pre packed roast chicken. Things I couldn't afford to buy myself.

Every time she offers to do something she will say 'when are you getting paid'

• this is not the OP asking, this is the GM offering.

And: My mum has worked hard she's just very bad with money. My grandmother saved very hard and was able to help her a lot. My grandmother bought all my and my sister's clothes - my mum used her money to buy herself nice clothes etc. I will be honest I feel quite resentful as it's not as if she's actually helped me financially in fact over the years I've given her lots of money. I can't bear to keep doing this now we gave a mortgage. I'm also trying to put more money into my own pension...

OP she sounds as though she was brought up to see her mothers' money as her own, and now that extends to yours.

Is she okay otherwise? I mean, in terms of boundaries, is money an outlier and she's otherwise respectful of your life and your choices?

Why is this relationship so transactional?

If your mum is struggling and she helps you with childcare then you need to help her. Don't begrudge her small things like prepackaged chicken or a small mirror. That's petty.

If I were in your shoes I would have a serious talk with my mum. I would say, "Mum, I would like to help you out if you're having a hard time. I would like to take over your mobile phone bill or your electricity bill or whatever. In return I would love if you could enjoy your time with your grandchildren when I need you to look after them. We are family and we need to help each other."

perfectstorm I missed that it's actually grandma offering then demanding payment. That makes it far worse. She views OP as a cashpoint and seems to think she's entitled to the money.

It sounds like you either need to agree an hourly rate, or find alternative childcare.

From the sounds of it, your mum is bad with money, and needs extra to stay afloat. It is frustrating. You can point her in the direction of money management courses, but you can't force her to go on one.

She let you move back home in your twenties when it suited you.
She's had bad luck with a failed business, her husband dying and poor health.

You do sound very judgmental about how she spends money because you'd make different choices to her.

You rely on her being there for you in emergencies, when you were younger and currently. She's always been there for you.

Both my parents died when I was younger, before I met DH or had children. I think this skews my view but I feel sorry for her being used by you and not really respected.

I know people near me who pay a set amount of money to their parents who live near by and have the children around the shifts of the parents (both pilots)

They said that if they pay like £400 a month or so (I have no idea if it was this amount, they felt better about asking the M/D to pick up or have after school

How much are you paying your mum as the set figure? If you’re using her like a cm, then you need to make sure it’s a good deal for you BOTH (you and your mum)

I think it’s odd to expect payment for occasional babysitting- especially if expenses (fuel, food) are being paid already. A bit different if it was every day or all holidays or something very regular but as it is not a regular thing, I think she is being a little mean.

However, if that’s what she wants your only choices are to find alternative childcare for the odd time you need it or pay her.

However, I wonder how your mother would react to being charged for every little favour you do for her? I imagine she’d feel hard a bit hard done by if you charged her for helping (now or in the future). If you do have to pay her, I would stop giving her money if she requests additional top ups. If she wants to monetise things, it has to be kept quite clear cut.

My mother went from a very good lifestyle to skint after the divorce. She was not good with money. I insisted on paying her £5 per hour 15 years ago to help me clean the house once a week and childcare if needed. I also paid for her to go to Italy for two weeks with friends and the USA for two weeks to stay with friends. I paid all her redecoration and furniture costs every time she moved. She resented our solvent lifestyle so making it official made things easier. So I would pay her. Do not pay her electric or phone that is an open ended cheque.

I think it is a shame that people are so individualistic that even the parent/child relationship is transnational.

I would pay but I would be making sure that any visits to her in old age are billed at the full carers rate.

perfect no she isn't. When we bought our house and moved in I had to tell her to back off. Thing is it all feels so messed up. When I ask her something there is always a reply 'well when you lived with me you ate all my food'.

What both of you have put on the table is nothing but demands.

You want a bit of free childcare from a GP; DM wants a bit of money to be slightly less skint.

She thinks you're loaded; you think she's a spendthrift.

She thinks you're lucky; you think of the big bills you pay every month.

You both think you're entitled to ask for help from family. On that, most other people would agree with both of you.

Get the point? Would you be comfortable with breaking the stalemate of silent resentment and indignation by offering the going rate per hour?

I am on your side, by the way, about the long term worry you have that she's hit on you as a replacement funding source for life. That's not ok. Neither is long term poverty, so she needs to get some kind of regular income.

Tomorrow DH is going to go round to my mum's and clear stuff for her by taking it to the recycling centre. But this is in exchange for borrowing a wallpapering table... it's all about what we can do

supersimpkin that's well put.

Maybe I make less 'demands' and find alternative child care.