My mum's 'demands' for money... for looking after her grandchildren etc

[Helpmepleasenow48]

Last year my MIL and FIL gave us a sizeable chunk of money to buy a house. My DH is on a good salary but to buy our house and get a mortgage we needed a bigger deposit.
We have bought our house and planning bits and pieces. I'm freelance and working part time at that moment as am not sure what to do (that's s wholeother post!?) anyway since we moved my mum who lost her home and business back in the early 1990s when I was a teenager has become a bit unbearable.
She doesn't have much money and can't work because she had a hip replacement op last year. My stepfather died back when their business went under in the 1990s. My dad and step mum are around but haven't helped financially. My uni education was free but I stayed with my mum till I got a job after post graduate training (which I took a year out after to work after university to pay for). I don't earn loads and have two DC... my mum has always been a bit funny with money. And now she demands cash after looking after the Dc. Who are both at school but I had some days I had to work in London so I needed her to pick them up and give them dinner before DH came home.
Every time she offers to do something she will say 'when are you getting paid'-I think she thinks that because we are having an extension (which was planned when we bought our house) we somehow have loads of money.
What do I do?!! Although she's been great at letting me live with her in my 20s etc I can't support her and need to monetise everything is driving me crazy and skewing our relationship.

Agree a rate that is fair, obviously a childminder with other people's kids would be cheaper than someone looking after your kids exclusively in your own home. I know someone who gets £12 an hour for doing that if it's 2 kids, more if it's 3 or 4 kids, in the same family (in SE).

But then make it clear that you're not then also going to give her the £10 or £100 here and there as well.

She's obviously not had an easy ride with life but at the same time she also doesn't sound great with budgeting.

If your mother is struggling offer her some money when looking after your children of course! She needs the money. Some people send their family money even when they don’t look after their kids! For example, my mother sends her family money once in a while. They live in another country and she does it purely to help them. She gets nothing in return.

Grandparents aren’t free childcare. And yes of course once in a while for them to watch kids is fine. But if your mom is really struggling wouldn’t you want to help her?

mycat problem is the money demands have skewed all that...

Use the wallpaper table to lay all those grievances out nice and flat

It's not really her fault she's a nightmare, that's the nub of it, but it isn't yours either.

Everyone's got relations who are richer and poorer than they are, and I for one would pass out before I demanded payment for looking after my own relations, let alone children, but I would offer it.

You've got to - tactfully - make it clear you aren't an ATM.

"But if your mom is really struggling wouldn’t you want to help her?"

OP has said her mother is a spendthrift, essentially.

mycatisblack I think you are projecting a bit and/or not properly reading op and updates.

I'm from a culture where older people do usually get cared for Vs doing the caring, but that's also because they do a lot first. Sounds like OP's mum managed to get her own mother to fund her, and now sees her daughter as continuing to do so. Unless there's a lot more to it, a hip replacement is not a reason not to find a job. What is she living off now, op?

Personally I'd offer her £20 for a pickup and 2 hours of care and then cut off the rest of the occasional cash, petrol money, wine etc. You'll probably end up better off and she has her earnings, for what they're worth! Or make a loose agreement with an sahm for cash or another part time mum for reciprocal pickups.

I have a friend who pays her mum for childcare. It gets very awkward and there is a huge grey area over normal mum stuff and ‘extras’.

Whilst it’s great they are looked after by someone who loves them it does put strains on the relationship even with clear expectations on both sides.

If my mum was struggling I would give her as much money as possible and the fact that you have an opportunity to do that through child care then great.

You didn’t just get to stay with her in your 20s though right? She gave birth to you and raised you.

People seemed to have just got stuck on the child care part of the op.

The child care is very sporadic, rarely happens, is at most a couple of times a month.

The GM (op mum) OFFERS to help then asks when will the op be paid meaning when will GM get paid in addition to petrol and food.

The GM needs to get a job having a hip replacement doesn't rule out every single job.

The embarrassing thing is that my MIL bought my mum a car a few years ago. I wasn't really happy about that.

Why does the hip replacement mean she can't work? Normally it facilitates leading a normal life.

I would find it really difficult to speak to my DM about a situation like this, I would find alternative childcare and not even ask her.

@Isatis, I was just about to say that I had a hip replacement 2 years ago (and a knee replacement 3 years before that) and neither of them have stopped me working in the medium to long term, once I had had some time to recuperate.

Your MIL bought her a car ?
She sounds like a right scammer.
You pay for her food and petrol ,she asks for money and tells you you "owe her " for a couple of hours per month looking after her own GC.
Bloody hell !
Stop asking her OP and say no to her demands

This isn't like The Bank of mum and dad, who's mortgage is paid of, have decent pensions and savings so can easily give money away.

The op has a mortgage, is trying to put money in the pensions and doesn't have any/much savings, she can't afford to be paying for her mums lifestyle.

Family dynamics can be hard to recognise and even harder to change.

I think formalising a payment would be better.
She also can’t “scope creep” and mooch off you indefinitely and without limit.
She also can’t start claiming “I raised your children for you” 10 years from now.

Basically, paying her contains it.
I would do this and then start seeking other arrangements.

It’s sad for her but it sounds like a life long dysfunction and you can’t change her behaviour, all you can change is your own behaviour and how you respond to her.

I think the other thing that makes OP’s DM’s demands for payment a bit unpleasant is the fact that sometimes she will offer to do something and then demand payment. I think if you offer help, you do so out of kindness- or be very upfront and say you want payment. I think to monetise offers (on top of being paid expenses) and then expect handouts on top is bad form.

I also think it sounds like OP’s mother expects her daughter to subsidise her more generally- £100 here, £10-20 there. And then wants OP and her DH to help her out with DIY and other things without payment. If you demand payment for occasional babysitting if your grandchildren, you should be expecting ring to pay for extra help your DD and son in law give you surely?

Is the petrol and food you pay for her weekly in general or do you mean to cover when she has your DC?

If it’s the former she is taking the piss, even if it’s the latter she is being paid, but stop that and giver her whatever per hour. I really don’t like tit for tat people and it seems your mum is one for them, but likes things skewed in her favour even more

You've married up and you're ashamed of having a poor mother, and still cringeing after she tapped PIL for cash.

OP, most of your opening post is about the cash your PIL have given you. We didn't need to know about the extension you're planning, or that you don't work much yourself. Your OP reads as PIL V DM 2019, by the way. DM is found guilty of being poor and greedy.

Don't beat yourself up - embarrassing relations, like the poor, will always be with us. PILs are evidently kind, generous people and they're not snobs. No one holds DM against you.

But watch it.That acceptance is because most people in your circle, inc PIL, can see farther than financial worth in a person.That's why - whisper it - they let you into it and are paying a lot of your and your children's lives. If PIL were as judgemental about you as you are about DM, it wouldn't be pretty.

I can imagine your childhood was properly hard and insecure, and you're desperate to build solidity and security. A) Well done, quite right too B) Sympathies, it's shit having feckless parents C) of course you're materialistic, you were taught by the best - DM.

But. Don't be the person who yanks up the drawbridge on their family because they've lucked out and now looks down on their own flesh and blood. It's really, really obvious when people do that and given how kind people have been to you...

The house you're sitting in is tangible evidence of decent values at work. You might just think of them when dealing with DM, no matter how grim she is. Be the bigger person.

Super "You've married up and you're ashamed of having a poor mother"

where did you get this from? I'm getting that OP mum was all right for money but spends it all. and this "married up" business...where did that come from?

I feel like I'm reading a different thread to some other posters!

OP, I also have a mother with boundary issues.

I complained on here once about her pushing my boundaries, and was told very firmly to stop accepting her help if I felt that way. It was good advice. Every offer of help came with its price -- which I wasn't willing to pay, although in my case it was emotional rather than financial. When I stopped accepting her help (e.g. if she wanted DD to come round I would be very clear that there was no need to do this as far as I was concerned, that I hoped they had a lovely time but to bring her back any time if it was too much for her etc) then it really improved the dynamic.

My advice would be to hire a childminder or get to know a few local people who are free for occasional bits of babysitting. Then you can just have a normal family relationship with your mother without all of this give/take over help and money.

Not read past page 1.

I'd happily subsidise parents I loved without totting up when I lived rent free or when they did Etc.

Can you just have an honest convo with her? Mum are you ok, are you struggling!!

We can't afford X but would y help for now??

The saddest thing is when people can't have honest chats with their children.

My df actually stole an inheritance from me. Every gc got several thousand from gp. I was the only one not old enough to have it.

He took it but do you know what...even back then I trusted and knew my df well enough to know he wouldn't have done it had he not needed it. And he actually repaid me tenfold... but I never totted it up or crossed off receipts.

That's the saddest thing.

Basically, not being dependent on my mother in any way (for help with childcare, for a ride to X or Y) meant that I could be more assertive about other boundaries.

What I'm saying is, no matter how cringe-making and rubbish one's family is, be the bigger person. I'm sure DM is BU, but keep breathing and don't cut her out.

OP did something go wrong with your mums hip replacement? Generally people are better, pretty much pain free and more mobile after a hip replacement. It's unusual they can't work because their hip has been replaced