My mum's 'demands' for money... for looking after her grandchildren etc

[Helpmepleasenow48]

Last year my MIL and FIL gave us a sizeable chunk of money to buy a house. My DH is on a good salary but to buy our house and get a mortgage we needed a bigger deposit.
We have bought our house and planning bits and pieces. I'm freelance and working part time at that moment as am not sure what to do (that's s wholeother post!?) anyway since we moved my mum who lost her home and business back in the early 1990s when I was a teenager has become a bit unbearable.
She doesn't have much money and can't work because she had a hip replacement op last year. My stepfather died back when their business went under in the 1990s. My dad and step mum are around but haven't helped financially. My uni education was free but I stayed with my mum till I got a job after post graduate training (which I took a year out after to work after university to pay for). I don't earn loads and have two DC... my mum has always been a bit funny with money. And now she demands cash after looking after the Dc. Who are both at school but I had some days I had to work in London so I needed her to pick them up and give them dinner before DH came home.
Every time she offers to do something she will say 'when are you getting paid'-I think she thinks that because we are having an extension (which was planned when we bought our house) we somehow have loads of money.
What do I do?!! Although she's been great at letting me live with her in my 20s etc I can't support her and need to monetise everything is driving me crazy and skewing our relationship.

How many hours per week does she work for you and is it regular work?

Hmm. Babysitting or a free manny? If the former YANBU, if the latter, you are.

My mum was in a similar situation to your mum, and we paid her to have the children when they were young. Look at it this way, you'd be paying someone if your mum wasn't doing it and at least it's someone you know etc. I know it's not the 'standard' to pay a GP to care for your child, but there's nothing to say you shouldn't and if it helps your mum, then why not?

Pay her the going rate, or agree you'll pay for tea, or bottle of wine.
Just talk to her and ask what she would prefer.
Maybe, she just wants a gesture to show she's not taken for granted. I'm not suggesting you do take her for granted btw, sometimes you just have to show you aren't.

If she's asking for money to look after the kids, discuss with her & come to an agreement on how much and then you're covered for childcare and if she's asking for extra money as she's run out then either pay her (this will go on for as long as you do it) or advise her you've paid for childcare but can't afford to keep giving her money. Sounds like she's living beyond her means and needs to learn money management. Sadly if you keep helping her she'll never learn and you'll always be tight on money. Or find a child minder to care for kids if you've had enough.

OP, why not get wraparound childcare? Your mum sounds unbearable.

My parents have looked after my sisters DD since she was born they have never been paid for it it’s the other way round my sister who works full time is constantly going to our disabled parents asking them for money she knows what date my parents money goes in so she knows when to ask.

God people are ridiculous! OP said she gives money for expenses and sounds like she only asks for occasional help.

If you are desperate and rely on her for occasional babysitting then I would either buy her wine or bung her a fiver. If she is asking for more than that, then I would pay a proper babysitter based at the home. Personally i think its strange to charge to see your grandchildren. However she may have financial difficulties?

If it’s only very occasional after school pick ups then could the children go to after school club until you or DH are home to pick up.

It does sound like your mum has had a difficult life. If she’s still too disabled to work a year after hip replacement surgery then maybe she finds it difficult getting out to look after the kids. Maybe she just feels taken for granted or under appreciated?

Of course you pay for GP to look after the child! Who on earth doesn't?
Childminders in SE now charge up to £5 an hour.
Pay her CM fees and then it's fair.

Why not pay her the going hourly rate for childcare? This helps both of you.

I would just pay her what you think is fair - it helps you out and helps her out. It is different if she takes them when you don't need child care. Yes other grandparents might not need to be paid but you know she is in financial difficulties. Once you are paying her a fair rate then the lines are no longer blurred and you might be able to address the wider issue of helping her manage her money.

Your mother is trying to let you know, in rather a clumsy way that you are taking advantage of her.
She gave you money to buy your home.
You have enough for an extension but haven't mentioned anything about paying her back.
She has lost her husband, her business and her health and has little money.
I think she wants you to appreciate her.
You could say, look mum, I trust you more than a child minder, and would like to pay you for helping out.
You might find that after a couple of months she stops taking it.
She is feeling unappreciated.
Looking after your children is not a privilege. I speak as a grandmother of a lovely GC.
If you want her to continue helping you, make her feel that what she has done for you is appreciated, and then start thinking about something nice you can do for her.

hazell, the handout was from the OP's inlaws, not her mum.

hazel I've had no help from my mum

If she needs paying she needs paying. I bet she’s still cheaper than the £1000 / mth it could cost if you used nursery.

it sounds as if she thinks you are loaded because your ILs gave you money

I think it's fair enough for her to want to be paid for childminding but I don't think you should be buying her tops etc

but yes, if she wants a childminding fee I don't see a way round that really. Grandparents aren't obliged to do free childcare.

I would agree an hourly rate for her to look after your dc. That way she can't then hold it over you or ask for more.

If she's looking after them at your house then she will be classed as a nanny rather than having to deal with being (getting assessed) as a childminder

I think you are being a bit unfair on your mum. Let her have a bottle of wine and pre packed chicken. She’s earned it!

Of course you should pay her if she is asking to be paid! Or ask someone else to help!

I can't believe there are people out there who think it's normal to pay GP to look after their grandchildren. I can't imagine my mum or MIL ever asking for money to spend time with their grandchildren. If we were to give them money they would literally look at us like we were mad. Surely helping within families is give and take. I do favours and help my mum/mil out and in turn they help out with the children when needed. Isn't that what normal families do?!?

I assume your concern is that she is going to come to rely on you financially in the future? And I can see why.

The only way to deal with this is to put some clear boundaries in place. Agree an hourly fee and pay it. Hopefully she'll then stop asking for additional.

Are you able to sit down with her and have a frank decision about her finances? Is she receiving her full pension or the benefits she is entitled to? Is she paying for things she does not need? I think honesty is the best policy here. Until you know exactly what is going on here, even paying a fair child minder rate may not help the situation.

Tensixtysix I don't know anyone who pays GPs for looking after their children. Most people I know the GPs love doing it, as it means quality time with the GC. I know that's why my mum has her GC. She even, shock horror, offers

'Payment' from my siblings and I tends to be taking mum out somewhere, a show or afternoon tea or a meal. Flowers every now and then, or a bit extra on her birthday or Mother's Day or Christmas. We also help her out any time she needs it in lots of different ways. And this is how it works with all my friends/colleagues whose parents take care of their children.

I genuinely believed helping each other out is a normal part of being a family.

I’d source a local child minder. Mixing family and money rarely ends well.