My mum's 'demands' for money... for looking after her grandchildren etc

[Helpmepleasenow48]

Last year my MIL and FIL gave us a sizeable chunk of money to buy a house. My DH is on a good salary but to buy our house and get a mortgage we needed a bigger deposit.
We have bought our house and planning bits and pieces. I'm freelance and working part time at that moment as am not sure what to do (that's s wholeother post!?) anyway since we moved my mum who lost her home and business back in the early 1990s when I was a teenager has become a bit unbearable.
She doesn't have much money and can't work because she had a hip replacement op last year. My stepfather died back when their business went under in the 1990s. My dad and step mum are around but haven't helped financially. My uni education was free but I stayed with my mum till I got a job after post graduate training (which I took a year out after to work after university to pay for). I don't earn loads and have two DC... my mum has always been a bit funny with money. And now she demands cash after looking after the Dc. Who are both at school but I had some days I had to work in London so I needed her to pick them up and give them dinner before DH came home.
Every time she offers to do something she will say 'when are you getting paid'-I think she thinks that because we are having an extension (which was planned when we bought our house) we somehow have loads of money.
What do I do?!! Although she's been great at letting me live with her in my 20s etc I can't support her and need to monetise everything is driving me crazy and skewing our relationship.

Jogon perhaps try reading all of the OP's posts before commenting.

Well some grandparents are happy to help for free and to others I guess it’s a little job.
Ask her if she’d be happy with X amount per hour and stick to it.
She may well be in grand net saying that you expect free childcare and are a CF.
Just talk and come to an arrangement.

I don't understand why is the OPs problem if her mother cannot manage her finances properly?
this woman should just get a job and stop trying to siphon money out of her daughter

Your mam is struggling. Its as plain as the nose on your face. A nice bag of supplies to last a few days for the kids when you drop them off. Take her out for a meal but money no. Familys and money dont mix well.

I was shocked to discover my sil pays my Inlaws £500 to look after her kids for part time hours. Mil is currently unwell and still taking the money each month and myself and a friend of hers are currently looking after the children occasionally for free to cover appointments etc. I find the idea of taking money of your children to have the grandkids very strange tbh. It’s not like they are hard up either - frequent coffee trips, holidays etc

I honestly think your Mum is being grabby. I think its fine to pay GP's for childminding, if it is a regular arrangement. But if its only in emergencies, then sorry, she has a brass neck. Families don't pay each other for helping out. Not in my experience anyway.

Bookworm4

Thank you, it's driving me nuts the fact that people will not understand what is written.

Oliversmumsarmy

At least you seemed to have grasped what is happening.

Think a lot of posters haven’t RTF. Either that or they aren’t listening to what op has said!
I agree family is important, but it can’t all be one sided!

Op’s mum is a taker. She expected her mother to help her with money!
When Op was young her dm spent all her money on nice clothes for herself and op’s dgm had to buy op and her ds’s clothes!

Op says “Every time she offers to do something she will say 'when are you getting paid.” Her mother expects to be paid even when she is offering to do something with her dgcs! What sort of grandmother doesn’t want to see her dgc unless she is being paid?

Op has already given her dm money, apart from money for food and petrol! Her dm asks for money (£10 - £100) and gifts for everything she does. Nothing is for free.

To be honest I would stop her having her dgc by herself! She can visit at op’s home, with no expectation of being paid!
I wouldn’t want them growing up seeing that their dgm only sees them as a pay check!

I think paying your DM a flat rate for childminding is a good idea, rather than paying the same rate or more to a childminder. If you found someone else to look after DC’s that could cause more grief.

I do think your DM is grabby though and I think you’ve made a mistake telling her you’ll give her more cash if you can. If she is on benefits she shouldn’t really be earning money elsewhere without declaring it - which in fact could give you an excuse to find someone else, as you could tell her you don’t want her to get in trouble with dwp?

I don’t agree grandparents should be paid to look after family, however, it sounds like your mum is looking at ways to get money as she’s broke. So maybe to save her dignity and your relationship have it as a little job for her at a set rate. I think your mum just sounds financially desperate. I’m sure if things were different she would do it for free.

Your mum helping you in your 20s is irrelevant to me too as that’s what parents are there for. It should be them helping you. But your mum sounds in a bad way money-wise.

Supersimpkin@you make some valid observations ... but what if ....her mother is simply lazy and taking advantage... apron strings need cutting by all sides ... my mother worked until 78 part time only stopping a few months ago ...to pay for her extras and to get out of the house ... A hip operation does not mean she can’t work Op ..how old is she?
Try paying a kinder for a month just to see if this changes either sides perceptions .... I don’t think any adult she be dependant solely on another ... unless illness prevents them caring for them selves ...this is what you teach your children and should teach your mother .. if you pay her she will still demand more ..good luck

ohdearmymistake

I think I understand because unless you have lived with a grasping mother then a normal person cannot get their minds round it.

Mine was the opposite in that she had thousands in the bank and wouldn’t spend anything. We dressed like hobos and if she wanted something she was not averse to asking people (begging) on the streets.

I know if I had stayed around I would have been paying back everything she had bought me since birth and when that was paid she would consider I was a good investment and continue to take money.

I moved into a rented flat because although I only earned £80 per month (ft job. Wasn’t allowed to apply for what I wanted to do as it would have meant I would have been 4 weeks without a job and she needed her money) my houseking she set at £25 per week.

Expected dbf who was new on the scene (now Dp) to make up the difference even though he wasn’t allowed in the house.

Renting a flat was £15 per month.

No one can understand if you are in a family how everything costs.

She once made me a cup of coffee and then tried to charge me.

Try paying a minder ... not kinder!

We don't know your mum's real health of course, but I have friends who have had hip operations. They were struggling with jobs beforehand and obviously had to take time off but were back at work full time after a couple of months. She lost a business decades ago. That is ancient news. Most older people have weathered financial difficulties and had to start again sometimes.

She appears to think that she might survive on doing odd jobs for you. If she is wrong and you can't afford it or don't want this dynamic with her going forward, you need to be very clear about that. She may be avoiding taking a paying job because you 'need her'.

If you are willing to support her by paying for jobs, make sure that you are paying for the jobs that are helpful to you, not just random things that she offers. This can be a dangerous route to take if she already views being with your children as an opportunity to make money. You need to make sure that it is clear that sometimes she is with them for her own and for their pleasure, not just as a paying job.

@Olivers your mother was a bona fide, batshit, evil piece of work
I mean what the fuck!!
who does that??
poor you, I hope you're ok now 🤗

Oliversmumsarmy

Your mother sound horrendous, mine wasn't bad just desperate for money. My first wage was £25 which mum wanted £15 we compromised at £12.50, I left at 16, she continued to ask for money for this that the other for years.

I'd get a babysitter personally as it sounds annoying and more expensive to use your mum. If you don't mind paying her then agree an hourly rate, not a bottle of wine here and £100 over there - everybody will end up feeling aggrieved with that approach because the time and the payments don't match clearly. It does sound like she needs financial help from you and your DH, so perhaps suggest she needs to sit down with you both and discuss properly what she needs.

@oliversmumsarmy, that’s awful and cruel. I hope you found happiness and it didn’t impact on your self esteem.

My mum wouldn’t let me think about attending college after school and said I had to get a job to pay my keep at 16. Then when I did, earning £250 per month, she mocked me saying she paid more in tax than I earned at that time.

She was and is a delight too!!??

I have studied part-time to masters degree level over the years and worked hard to progress and now earn far more than she ever did. She’s not interested in my achievements.

I speak to her and see her at family meals etc but don’t like her at all.

Anyway won’t go on as it’s a thread in itself too but since having my own kids I just will never understand her nastiness towards me. Pure hatred. I don’t even want her to look after my kids because she upsets them. She hardly sees them and makes no effort to. She posts them a magazine each, normally not what they like as she doesn’t know them, about once a year

She had four of us but I don’t know why as not a maternal bone in her body.

It is sad that this relationship is so transactional, your DM has made it that way.

However, now that it is this way you need to accept it and use it towards your advantage.

Agree on a reasonable hourly rate for childcare and pay her that (but then don't offer any extras such as food money or petrol money) and if she begins asking for extra money or loans you'll need to explain that on top of your mortgage, pension savings and childcare costs you can't afford to fork out any extra.

Once you have an amount agreed, your arrangement can become more of a business one and you will feel less hurt by her always asking for payment

I think it’s illegal to pay someone for childminding if they aren’t a registered child minder these days. Could your children not go into after school clubs and maybe she picks them up when that finishes and feeds them? You pay her for petrol and food so that fits

There are tax breaks for grandparents

www.gov.uk/government/news/looking-after-the-grandchildren-make-sure-it-counts-towards-your-state-pension

The reality is that there are selfish, sometimes cruel people out there... many often have kids ... some children see these parents for who and what they are ... at some point we each have to take control of our lives... only in the worst case scenarios does this mean cutting them out of your life ... you need to find a happy medium for you and your children ... one that teaches your children what is right from wrong ... compromise if you can ..don’t if you can’t... maybe once a fortnight pay your mum and the other day she should take on the chin ( you cover the food and petrol) or pay for a baby sitter/ child minder ....at the end of the day she can only have this affect on your lives if you let her

I think that as she expects some firm of payment for childcare then you need to agree how much and what for.
It’s not an entitlement to have grandparents to look after kids. It’s great when they do it willingly and for free because it suits them, but every family is different with varying financial situations
Have a dedicated conversation about what’s expected from both sides. If you are going to pay her then she will need to look at it as a commitment and not a favour or all on her terms.
Good luck, grandparent management can be a tricky one!

I think you should pay her £4-£5 an hour for the childcare she is doing.