My mum's 'demands' for money... for looking after her grandchildren etc

[Helpmepleasenow48]

Last year my MIL and FIL gave us a sizeable chunk of money to buy a house. My DH is on a good salary but to buy our house and get a mortgage we needed a bigger deposit.
We have bought our house and planning bits and pieces. I'm freelance and working part time at that moment as am not sure what to do (that's s wholeother post!?) anyway since we moved my mum who lost her home and business back in the early 1990s when I was a teenager has become a bit unbearable.
She doesn't have much money and can't work because she had a hip replacement op last year. My stepfather died back when their business went under in the 1990s. My dad and step mum are around but haven't helped financially. My uni education was free but I stayed with my mum till I got a job after post graduate training (which I took a year out after to work after university to pay for). I don't earn loads and have two DC... my mum has always been a bit funny with money. And now she demands cash after looking after the Dc. Who are both at school but I had some days I had to work in London so I needed her to pick them up and give them dinner before DH came home.
Every time she offers to do something she will say 'when are you getting paid'-I think she thinks that because we are having an extension (which was planned when we bought our house) we somehow have loads of money.
What do I do?!! Although she's been great at letting me live with her in my 20s etc I can't support her and need to monetise everything is driving me crazy and skewing our relationship.

Make a point of not asking her for a month. Seems to me she is using your dc as a way to milk cash from you!
If she still asks for cash suggest she gets a pt job...

My PIL ( my parents not on the scene) would have been shocked if I offered them money for looking after their own GC.
She sounds really grabby tbh OP.
Better to have a conversation and agree a per hour payment and draw a line under it.
Or uses a childminder.

I suspect if you were to pay for professional childcare then the bung you give your mum will be small change in comparison

@TurboTeddy 😂😂 *scrape!

She’s cheeky.

How does this poor put upon old lady manage to buy essential tops and light up mirrors in M&S on her meagre income?

It’s absolutely not the norm to pay grandparents to look after their GC on an ad hoc basis and a bottle of wine of box of chocolates should be sufficient . I wouldn’t go down the route of asking what she wants to be paid I would just explain to her that she’s either wants to look after her GC or she can simply say no its not convenient but that her current behaviour is affecting your relationship with you which you don’t want .

I used to have dgs two night a week. Would not have dreamt of making money from him!!

Of course you pay for GP to look after the child! Who on earth doesn't?

It isn't normal to pay GPs to see their g/children. However there are extenuating circumstances and I can see why the OP might slip her mother a couple of quid.

AlwaysCheddar I think we have a CF DM. If taking care of her grandchildren now and again is such a chore I'd relieve her of the burden OP. She clearly sees you as a cashpoint.

IvanaPee what a great typo given the thread. Not trying to be a pedant, it made me laugh.

"If she still asks for cash suggest she gets a pt job..."

def this, it does sound as if she would be asking for money even if she wasn't helping out.

Is your mum living with you, or living on her own? I thought the former, but I am not sure now.

She's hard up, and you are replacing a proper rate for a childminding job with a bit of pocket money, which I should imagine is far less than it would cost you otherwise.

Hell yes, you are absolutely taking liberties. Your mum isn't an unpaid lackey. It's not just you either, it's everyone who assumes their parents have nothing better to do, than provide a cheap babyminding service. The odd day, fine. Permanent, a big ask.

IMO

Your relationship with your mum has flipped.
She wants to be mothered by you. Try some TLC and a chat.

We only askr her to look after the children occasionally- once a fortnight at most. For a couple of hours - at most! This is not a regular arrangement. My children go to after school club two nights a week.

She had a shit time in the 90's but it's been a lot of years since then. Yes she lost everything but she's also had a lot of years to work towards something again. I understand it been hard since her hip op but she needs to be honest and make changes herself like not wasting money in marks and Spencer's on none essentials.
My parents and my MIL would be insulted if I gave them money for helping out every now and again.
I could understand if it was a regular daily thing but not a irregular thing.

Why are so many people suggesting paying a family member for childcare? Unless she is registered as a provider that's illegal!

"She had a shit time in the 90's but it's been a lot of years since then"

I was also wondering what work she has done since then and her age....even if she is elderly now, she would have been all right to work in the 90s?

I always give a small gift to my mum as a thank you for helping out because i know if we don't then it will be thought of as taking advantage of them.
That said it's only when we've asked specifically for help (rarely) not when shes offered to have them (even rarer)
Where as dp's side has a standing arrangement where they look after ours regularly and would be offended if i dared try to give them something, unless it was cake.

You know where you stand so each time you need to use her for childcare turn up with a bottle of wine when you pick the dc up and just accept it for what it is.

Well OK, I thought it was a permanent arrangement.

In that case, I am sure most GP's would be happy to help, but maybe it's also not so easy given her health and so on.

Still, there aren't many people who would be able do this at the drop of a hat, so I think you need to cut her some slack, personally. Draw up a formal agreement.

I need to talk to her. My mum has worked hard she's just very bad with money. My grandmother saved very hard and was able to help her a lot. My grandmother bought all my and my sister's clothes - my mum used her money to buy herself nice clothes etc. I will be honest I feel quite resentful as it's not as if she's actually helped me financially in fact over the years I've given her lots of money. I can't bear to keep doing this now we gave a mortgage. I'm also trying to put more money into my own pension...

Can’t imagine my mum asking for payment Christ. I normally ring her and and oh by the way could you have child for a couple of hours Thursday got to pop to such and such. It’s either a yes or no. I drop of said child and pick up said child. Not that I ask often maybe once every few months.

In your situation, I would pay my mum. Regardless of whether it's normal or not to pay a gp for childcare, your mum needs it, she sounds like she's struggling. If it's only 2 dc for 2 hours once every 2 weeks, that's, what, £20, and it will make her happier.

It would be nice if grandparents helped out and baby sat but it is not an obligation. You could draw up an agreement and pay the going rate. (I’m not a parent so don’t know - would it be more expensive because you aren’t going to be a regular client? How much would it cost for them to feed DC?.)

Alternatively see if you can make informal arrangements with other parents (as long as you can reciprocate). Depending on your income level and savings if you currently get benefits you might get help towards the costs of a registered childcare provider.

Tensixtysix - Of course you pay for GP to look after the child! Who on earth doesn't?

What! You pay grandparents to see their grandchildren twice a month for a couple of hours?

I could perhaps understand paying grandparents who are doing ft childcare but this is not the case here.

OP I think that you would be better off getting professional childcare for these odd few hours each month - your DM obviously thinks that seeing her grandchildren is an opportunity to extort money for herself.