My mum's 'demands' for money... for looking after her grandchildren etc

[Helpmepleasenow48]

Last year my MIL and FIL gave us a sizeable chunk of money to buy a house. My DH is on a good salary but to buy our house and get a mortgage we needed a bigger deposit.
We have bought our house and planning bits and pieces. I'm freelance and working part time at that moment as am not sure what to do (that's s wholeother post!?) anyway since we moved my mum who lost her home and business back in the early 1990s when I was a teenager has become a bit unbearable.
She doesn't have much money and can't work because she had a hip replacement op last year. My stepfather died back when their business went under in the 1990s. My dad and step mum are around but haven't helped financially. My uni education was free but I stayed with my mum till I got a job after post graduate training (which I took a year out after to work after university to pay for). I don't earn loads and have two DC... my mum has always been a bit funny with money. And now she demands cash after looking after the Dc. Who are both at school but I had some days I had to work in London so I needed her to pick them up and give them dinner before DH came home.
Every time she offers to do something she will say 'when are you getting paid'-I think she thinks that because we are having an extension (which was planned when we bought our house) we somehow have loads of money.
What do I do?!! Although she's been great at letting me live with her in my 20s etc I can't support her and need to monetise everything is driving me crazy and skewing our relationship.

Drasticaction

RTFT

Drasticaction

Probably worth reading past page 1 next time.

My childminder charges £4 per child per hour no extras

It's nice if grandparents can afford to look after grandchildren for free, but not everyone is in the position to turn down payment.

I can’t imagine asking my DD & SIL to pay me or buy me stuff for looking after my GC. If you cover your DMs expenses that’s fair as she’s not got heaps of money but more than that I think is being cheeky bearing in mind she looks after them occasionally. She’s their Grandparent, not a CM or nanny. It’s not an obligation that grandparents look after their GC but many do because they enjoy spending time together. I struggle for money but I’d hate to be paid for looking after my GC for a few hours. It should be a joy not something to be compensated for .

I didn't read the full thread but OP, I'd do one of the following :

• find a baby-sitter on the rare occasion that you need one. Stop asking your mom (ever).

• or, agree to a set rate and stick to it. No extras.

Either way I'd stop giving her things here and there, and wine today, and chocolate tomorrow, because this means you can't keep track of how much it is (probably more than you think !) If you feel bad about her circumstances you can give her a set amount every month and then it's up to her to make it work.

Honestly, I'd probably pick the babysitter option on principle alone. If I was in your mother's shoes, I'd never charge to take care of the kids. If I need money I'd ask but make it clear it's a separate issue that's got nothing to do with the grandkids. And I'd make it clear how much I need, for how long, and what I can do to repay it (if anything).

Your mother sounds like an emotional manipulator.

I'd agree and on an hourly rate with her and take it from there. No, it's not the norm to pay GP's for childcare, but it sounds as if she needs the money and it saves you the bother of finding a childminder who'll only take your DC occasionally.

At least if it's a set amount, you won't get sudden demands for wine, tops, etc. as payment. You pay the set amount and that's it.

It's definitely awkward when GP's aren't financially stable. One of our family members is in this situation with his DP's and he's bought them a new car, paid a number of bills, etc. . Ironically, one of his siblings uses them for regular childcare (several days a week) and doesn't pay them...that would actually be a better solution to their financial woes.

She thinks she can hold you over a barrel as she provides occasional childcare. I would stop that, there are a couple of childminders near me who do some ad-hoc childcare.

There is no limit on numbers for children over the age of 8 so several childminders have spaces for any parents of children of this age as one offs.

I would also stop borrowing things from her, as everything comes with strings attached. The fact she is still harping on about when you lived with her years ago shows you she is emotionally blackmailing you.

You need to back off completely. If she wants to see you and the children it is because she wants to, but I bet she comes round with her hand out.

I'd stop asking, put them in asc an extra day if you're stuck. Then hopefully the money thing will be easier to address.

@Helpmepleasenow48 no, I knew she wouldn't be, which was why I asked.

People always assume good things about mothers on MN, and dire about MIL. If you'd posted this about a MIL, there'd be cries of CF and toxicity all over the shop.

She sees your in-law's money as available to her as well, from what you say. Your MIL having bought her a car, and her attitude to their helping you with your house buying meaning you can afford to help her with your wages.

She has few boundaries, and that extends to money.

Find alternative childcare, and start to say no more. She's your mum, and housing you while you were in full time education is the norm. You don't owe her blood for the rest of your life because of it. Especially as you and your in-laws have seemingly given her a ton of financial support ever since.

I could be way off beam, but from bits and pieces here I think you may benefit from reading the famous Toxic Parents.

Again: sort childcare. Your relationship needs to be one with no leverage.

There's something so cold about having to pay your mother to care for her own grandchildren occasionally. It takes away something from the relationship between you, her and the children.

I wouldn't be on board with that at all. Keep things simple and find other arrangements.

Pay her the going rate for childcare - the obligation is repaid, and no more skewing of the relationship. DM is struggling for money and pp going on about how their parents do childcare for free, are in a different and irrelevant position.

You are very lucky to have this help and I think it's absolutely fair to pay her a token amount of money.

I'd gladly pay my mum to do school pick ups but she simply does not want to. If she simply wanted to I'd be overjoyed

My mum has my dd every week - 3 times a week; school drop off & pick ups plus feeds her.

She is horrified if I try to pay her / give her money for activities / petrol during school holidays.
Instead I buy her things I know she loves; spa days, flower deliveries, better Mother's Day presents etc

I think maybe you should try and find a babysitter / a mum at the school that may help you out on an ad-hoc basis.
I'm a nanny and I do ad hoc work around my current nanny position.

I'd be paying the arranged amount via banking app straight away so there's no denying that you've paid and it's all tracked.

Actually no, I'd be paying a baby-sitter, your M sounds horrendous .

OP As you mention maybe go with your gut and back of a bit. There is stuff like sheltered accommodation, if they need it and she should be OK. Mine are similar and get by Ok, more so when I stepped back as less dependant on me. I too never had any support or help from them. If health problems she could apply for ESA / PIP as well, or if older, pension credit, for example. maybe signpost her to the CAB.

I tthink a parent should never ask their children for money... maybe if struggling some help and if it's regular childcare I'd pay her a rate. But she chose to have a child so she needed to pay for it. That's part of the package I'm afraid. Mentioning the lend of a table and asking for something in return is just wrong! It's not like she did anything but lend it. And you might have given her something in return but the demands are wrong And frankly rude. I'd tell her exactly that as I'm quite honest. I wouldn't ask her for child are again tbh unless a set amount per hour was agreed and that's that. She can't ask for anything else. I wouldn't ask her any favours again and wouldn't help her. She's a grown up. She can manage. If she was nicer I'd definitely help my mum btw but this womans attitude stinks.

My DH does a fair bit for my mum too - Ashe is doing this morning. In fact he's going to broach the subject of money.
I had the opportunity to work in an office in the city for two days during half term and my mum helped out then.
Other than that it's the odd hour and occasional stuff during holidays. But she doesn't actually entertain the children. She comes round and does things she wants to do.
But the reason I realised I need to address it is because I need to agree a one off payment for those days. I'm only doing the work to pay off the mortgage early and put more into my pension.
So I could do away with asking for my mum's help and fit everything in during school hours. Holidays I do need help but I know other mums who are also writers/same job as me and we can do swaps - we have done in the past.
I also want to keep my career going for when my youngest child starts secondary school. The skills I have include management ones and if I keep them up working part time from home (meetings in London with contacts I do during school hours) then I can end any dependency on my mum. My sister - who has two older teenagers - has just landed a six figure city job - so she's my role model. My mum has never asked her for money because she's a single parent. Thing is because she's worked full time - with the help of the after school club that I also use for 2 afternoons she earns more than me.

OP your plans sound v good!

hope the DH conversation goes well.

btw sorry to ask again but curious to know, did your mum not work since the 90s?

OP your plan sounds perfect. If you agreed to pay her for childcare she would still be expecting all the other bits you buy for her so unless you are OK with that then I would back off. It is good that you and DH help her out, you are both being the bigger people here, but I wouldn't swap favours again for the simple lending of an item (presumably you had to pick and drop off the table as she has mobility issues?!) as that is weird and manipulative. Good luck.

OP, I feel awful about what I said in my last post - suspect it came out very wonky. I meant - take a step back and be nice, look at the bigger picture, DM won't change. You don't need to be a pushover either.

Having read past page one I still feel the saddest thing is people not being able to speak honestly and openly to parents about this.

I hate totting up what's been spent where and done how!

I understand frustrating that she's asked you to buy something when she's then brought things you can't buy. However she's still not a millionaire unnecessary scrimping asking you for money. She's still Poor!

Yes it's unfair and annoying.... you ate all my food...

And she's doing lots of totting up.
But be the bigger person.
Also open up discussion with sister about it.

By the way offering money for child care too gp totally depends on gp situation.

My dm would have seen spending time with them as huge privilege. And would have never ever asked for a penny. However she was poor and I would have paid regardless.

I've never had any family being able too offer only once a fortnight for a few hours!!

Honestly op too have someone be able to do that would have changed my life!

Be kind to her. Her life doesn't sound great. Talk to your sister. And try and come up with proper plan to help her.

I'd offer maybe 50 if you can afford that for babysitting.

And tell her you can't afford more.
Try and get her to visit her finances and put them in order. Help her budget and sort herself out.

It's not easy and it does sound as if she's desperate, hopeless and entitled....

I am sorry your mum lost her business 25 years ago but what had she been doing in the meantime.

The early 90s were a tough time and we barely hung on. Eventually selling our house in negative equity but life moves on. And you open another business or you go to work.

Going under in the 90s is no excuse that you are poor now and need paying for everything and relying on your children to pay you for food and petrol 25 years later.

If you are going to pay then you might as well save your money and get a professional in to do childcare.

It will probably work out cheaper

My mother was a serial adulterer over the years. She finally got caught, my DF had a breakdown, lost his job so the big house had to go. DM lover went back to wife so she lost out there. She was 44. She still 40 years later believe my DF and the lovers wife murdered him when he died of a heart attack. DM and DF divorced, she got some money and a nice flat. I found out on my fathers deathbed that she got half his pension, plus any cash he could spare when she phoned to whinge at him about being broke that cost him £400 a month on top. Plus £40 a week cash from me, plus holidays paid for.
When he knew he had cancer and was dying he refused treatment, he, changed his will and left everything to my brother on the strict understanding we were not to tell her he had died. So we had the funeral etc. without her knowledge. When she later found out she went nuts saying he had promised everything to her blah blah blah....

There really is no pleasing women or men like this. They will blame everything and everyone but themselves for their life.

My dd pays me for looking after my grandson, it's one day after school and all day on a Saturday. I've done it since he was born and I've moved my work around to accommodate him.

But, it's a token amount and there's no more money exchanged between us. For instance, I'll have him in the holidays on extra days, but I don't charge extra because I like to spend time with him. We agreed that she'd pay me because I'm self employed and I'd lose money on those days.

It works for us.