To ask if anyone else's parents sort of stopped parenting them as a young teen?

[HennyPennyHorror]

I love my Mum a lot...she's in failing health now and my Dad died when I was in my 20s....over 20 years ago.

My own DD is 14 now which was a very hard age for me and I keep reflecting on my own childhood. I had a happy one in the main....not a lot of "stuff" but a holiday once a year, siblings and many happy memories.

But when I hit 14, my Mum just almost totally stopped providing for me. I remember having barely any clothes for example and my only pocket money came from my Nan (Dad's mum).

I get emotional thinking about it. It didn't really improve at all and by the time I was 16 I was expected to pay for all of everything for myself. Well really from 14...but I just couldn't at that age due to not earning a lot at my Saturday job.

I had times with no sanitary wear....one pair of shoes with holes...all my siblings were much older and had left home at this age...14....so I was alone. My Dad was wonderful but worked very long hours and I couldn't ask him for clothes...we didn't have that sort of relationship. Mum worked too so money wasn't an issue.

Why did she do this? I suspect she didn't have a great childhood herself and the weird thing is that I know she did and does love me very much.

With those mental scars too*

Yes, mine did too. I often ponder it now that I have my own children. Probably from about the age of 13 - It wasn’t neglect - I was loved and feed and essential school uniform bought. And I remember an outfit being bought for when we went to a family wedding but nothing else.

My mother bought me 1 item of sanitary protection in my whole teenage years and I was to embarrassed or shy to ask her for it. I often wonder what did she think I did?

I had a job from about the age if 12 and bought my own clothes. I had a friend whose mother still took her clothes shopping a couple of times a year at the age of 16 and I was so jealous.

We were middle class - but

Oops pushed too fast - but first generation middle class from working class and I sometimes think maybe it’s a learning curve? My mother had nothing bought for her so she didn’t for us but I have mixed with the middle classes all my life and see what their parents did for them and thus emulate that.

The clothes thing - absolutely. I wore stuff until I couldn’t wear it anymore as I’d outgrown it and then nothing took its place. I lived in my school
Uniform most of the time.

When I was 17 I was so grateful for Grunge being in style as I could rummage through charity shops and come up with some dress with ripped leggings and boots ensemble and it was accepted.

Well I was born in the 1950’s and experienced similar to a certain extent, but it made me go the opposite way with my children and grandchildren! I had very little money when my boys were young but I somehow made sure they were decently clothed etc. And in later years when I was a bit better off, made sure they had enough “ stuff” for university and wouldn’t ever run out of toiletries for instance. Still help my youngest out ( single, 27, low paid job, renting with a friend) with a trolley of shopping or a tank of petrol when we are meeting up.
My parents were not well off but by no means poor, but I remember only having one outfit per season right up to 6 th form. Shoes with toes cut out for the summer, cheapest thin winter coats etc. When I got my Saturday job I was expected to save up and buy my own clothes and toiletries! Consequently I was the most unfashionable, poorest dressed girl in the 6 th form where we we allowed to wear our own clothes. Looking back I do feel quite bitter as my dad had a good professional job, my mum worked part time and there was only me and my sister. My mother did hark back a lot to the austerity of her own upbringing during the war though.
It is almost as if we children have to be punished in some way for living in a more comfortable generation!

I can relate too, op. From 11/12, I became ill and had to have time off school. My mum had just started work, as my youngest sibling had started school and I was home alone. I used to be terrified when I heard a noise in the house. I was ill for a couple of years, but my parents never made me go back to school.

From the age of 14, I was going out, going clubbing, had a (not very nice) boyfriend, getting drunk. I was left to my own devices. My parents did give me pocket money, so it wasn't so much financial.

I had no education was being routinely sexually abused and controlled by my boyfriend. I also came from a naice house, my parents had no money worries. I did of course after becoming a teenage mum with no education.

My next sister down experienced very similar. As a result we are very close, I tried to look after her and we still confide in each other before we would ask our parents for help. That said, our parents are extremely supportive to us as adults and excellent GPs. It's really strange.

I can relate to so much of this.

Yes to parents born in 1950/51, yes to being working class, yes to reaching 13 and being viewed as an adult.

Like others have said, I was given the basics, basic clothes, items for school etc but was expected to fend for myself other than that. Get myself around, manage appointments myself, just generally organise my life without any input form them. Worked from age 13. At 16 my Dad sat me down and told me as far as he was concerned I was an adult now.

Interestingly, it seems to have carried on with my dc. When they were babies/toddlers my parents were very involved to the point of being overbearing. Now that the dc have reached the teenage years, they suddenly backed off as Grandparents and don't make a huge effort with them any more.

My dm was born in the 40s in a time of huge poverty in lreland but never treated us like this. We didn't have extra clothes like fashion except at birthdays and Christmas but we had all the basics. We bought the rest with money from relatives and later Sat jobs.
My dm took a huge interest in our education, actively interested in all our exams, results etc. She spent hours talking about courses, options, application forms etc for us all. She had little education herself and neither had my df. We had a huge family so loads to supervise.
She taught us about saving etc..l ignored her but she did her bit.
I was born in late 50s and totally supervised, oversaw all that for my DC...probably they would say too much.All my friends are similar with their now grown kids.
It's so sad to hear all the stories especially when parents could afford stuff.
This generation probably could do with more independence/ less stuff but that level of neglect is heartbreaking.

I remember the same sort of thing with my dm. I recall walking to school in wet slushy snow, wearing shoes that were barely more than sandals, and having to hunt around for matching socks, most of which had no elastic in so fell down. Also slept on a mattress on which the springs had broken and poked through the fabric, leaving me with random cuts.
It has definitely affected how I feel about her, especially since I had my own dc whose needs have always come before my own. We do have a relationship and I see her all the time, but I don't feel emotionally close to her.

I already has a pretty neglectful and abusive childhood. When I was 13 I got a paper round which paid £21 a week. My parents decided from the point I had to pay for everything and just essentially stopped looking after me.

I left home when I was 15 as the abusive household was to much.

The abusive childhood wasn't because of money but, due to other abuse. It's only in recent years that I realise how complicit my mother was. It has hurt me greatly.

Yep my mum kicked me out the minute I turned 16 for no other reason simply because I was 16 so the council would house me. I clearly was too young and not ready but had no choice, I would never kick my children out. From 16 she seen it as we were no longer her responsibility

Ok so yes I had this too
I also essentially failed my GCSE’s as I had no support when I was finding it hard, no equipment. I was bullied as I had no clothes or shoes outside of school uniform. I got in with the wrong crowd and had no curfew and got up to all sorts, some of it awful and traumatic

My DC call me Smother (Joke) because I am far the other way. I am always talking to them and asking questions and I am in tune with their needs way more. They tell me what they need or I will just plan ie. keep sanitary towels stocked

They are still my children even if they are 16/17

HennyPennyHorror, mine was exactly the same though the 'parenting' stopped earlier than in your case. Apart from issuing instructions, barking orders and telling off of course.

knowing your parents have the money but are unwilling to spend it on you for such basic things is such a heartbreaking situation.

This.

My parents has plenty of money - both in full time jobs but my Mum just didn't seem to like spending it on me. When I got a full time job she took two thirds of my wages for "board" as well. I honestly think she just didn't like the big, spotty teenager I had become. She didn't know what to do with me and certainly didn't want to spend money on me. I do think it was partly that they didn't like me very much and I was the family scapegoat. They loved nothing more than telling me where I was going wrong and what a shit person I was.

So many of these stories have made me quite teary.

This thread is so sad but fascinating. I had a terrible upbringing in that my DMum was mentally ill a lot and had frequent hospital stays. DDad was always at work from half past six in the morning and me and my sister were home alone a lot of the time. Theoretically gran was looking after us but she rarely appeared until mid afternoon and all she did was give us the vicious side of her tongue. There was no other side actually.
My school friend was from a wealthier household but her mother was abroad 90% of the time and her DDad was an alcoholic so in bed all day. We were feral but well behaved. We were neglected though and we both have deep psychological issues as a result. Low self esteem. Low expectations. We are still friends 50 years later. The only upside was it was the 60's and 70's and we could spend all day away from home and no-one noticed of gave a rap. It was normal for kids to be out and about all day until dusk.

Pretty much - but there were circumstances meaning I understand why things happened as they did as an adult. Basically my dad was a knob who couldn't keep it in his pants and buggered off when I was about 10, and my baby brother was chronically ill with a huge swathe of needs, my mum had a breakdown over it all and developed anorexia and she had to focus on the kid needing most of her attention - and it was my brother.

So at the age of about 11 I had to basically bring myself up, get the bus into town on a weekend to do the family shop, ended up having to be the second parent to my brother as well and just get on with it all.

Sounds horrific but in reality at the time I used to think it was fucking great that my mother was so disengaged in my life she never knew if I'd got detentions at school or whatever... it's only as I got older I realised just how much I missed out on - and the narc streak in my mother only sees how hard SHE had it and how my younger brother being an absolutely insufferable knob these days was partly my fault because "you brought him up with me"... those parts I find utterly unacceptable - the letting me fend for myself part doesn't bother me (I think society was a lot different then as well), but holding me to account for "parenting" my sibling and the expectations of what I had to do for him (I was managing his medication when I was about 12/13) were way beyond crossing the line.

My brother would have turned out to be an insufferable knob regardless of it all.

My mum died just before I became a teenager. Afterwards, I was very well provided for money wise...I didn't go without, but I was very much on my own emotionally and mentally and not provided with any guidance or advice.

I suspect this is based on their own experiences. Both my parents were themselves working full time by 15, married by 16/17 and had a child by 18/19.

Such a sad thread but it's making me see mine and other friend's childhoods in a new light.

My mum born in 50s, (brought up
by her dm her df died) did her best with us and was absolutely fanatical about making sure we had clothes and were clean etc which makes me wonder about her own childhood. I have no complaints about my parents providing physically for me but can remember friends saying about having to buy sanpro, toiletries and clothes from their pocket money/allowance/ paper rounds etc

What makes me think we all learn from previous generations is that my uneducated parents made no encouragement on doing homework, talking about jobs or careers, house buying or just adulthood in general. I only went to uni because it was the 90s and free and my school was in a mc area that encouraged it. Didn't figure on my parents radar and that wasn't their fault they just didn't know and I suppose no one talked to them about it all.

Dh was neglected emotionally and physically in his mc alcoholic family and we both agree that we will do more for our children in terms of helping them through life with support.

I have found parenthood itself triggering in positive and negative ways but the overwhelming feeling I have is my parents did as good as they were able and we were loved. They may not have got it right but did their best.

Sadly dh has found parenthood has trigger all negative feeling towards his parents. He realises how badly his parents treated him and I think he can't understand why, I know I can't.

I think this happens a lot - some parents just give up the reins, are very rigid thinkers and can’t do the growing independence and compromise of parenting teens. Do you think your siblings experienced the same, or did you get the very short straw just by virtue of being much younger. Was your Mum working full time when your siblings were teens?

Was there any resentment possibly from your Mum to your Dad if they were both full time working but generationally she may have been expected to do more parenting, however inadequate hers was.

I've had a wee cry at this thread too. It has stirred up some emotion but my tears are for us all as children. I'm nodding along to so much here. I have hardly ever spoken to anyone about it (just DH and my best friend) partly because I don't want to dwell and it isn't interesting for other people but also because unless you've been through it I don't think there's much to say. Thank you everyone for sharing it's been quite an experience for me to read my feelings voiced by other people.

The word neglect has come up a few times and I honestly didn't realize until reading it here that that is what it was. I have always said "mum was depressed / she did what she could / dad wasn't at home / mum was an alcoholic / etc". I have never said "I was neglected". But I was. It sounds ridiculous but this is a total lightbulb moment for me.

Bizarrely my mum has rewritten history and only remembers how she worked her fingers to the bone to look after us. She did work hard to keep a roof over our heads and I'm grateful for that but she didn't look after us. We children looked after her.
She has very unfair memories of us being lazy, ungrateful teens. We weren't. She was judgemental and critical of us then and continues now. I know she loves us but I just wish it wasn't such a needy / always on the verge of a breakdown for having to put up with her mean daughters sort of love.

Ach well, she's a nice grandmother to my DC which is something. My dad is still pretty vague and absent. A pleasant fellow but even less there for me than mum. It wasn't all her fault, I had 2 parents.

I had similar. From about the age of 14 I was expected to provide lunch money for school from my wage from weekend work.

We lived in the middle of nowhere so no access to shops. If I asked for sanitary towels, I'd would be given a pack of 10 and would be expected to make them last the whole period.

When my kids reached about Year 5 I made the conscious decision to relocate my family from the country side to a small town where shops etc are walkable, just in case I turn into my own thoughtless mother, at least my teenagers won't have a 10 mile walk to the nearest shop!